Disclaimer
This stories are copied from another source. I am by no means the author or related to the author. These stories are posted here for my own reading only.
Love Story - Beautiful Blemish
Original story from here
Chapter 1
It’s another typical day. So awfully insipid and uneventful that it almost became like a replica of yesterday. School was dead boring and nothing within the boundary of school seemed to interest me. I lit my Marlboro cigarette in one secluded school toilet and quickly puff the stick away before discovery.
I was an ah lian, joined some small time street gang and left, but still wrongfully labeled as a potential delinquent by my form teacher, Mrs. Seow. But as far as I am concerned, she is just being plain bias towards me. I dreaded attending her class and it tormented me as much as it did for her. Apart from being just as drudging as everything else in school, she has a knack of making me drowsy during lesson. Because of that, I dozed off several occasions because my eyelid refused to heed to my mental command of keeping it wide open. She said that I was disrespectful and the worst caliber of students she ever taught.
Well, who cares?
Although schooling, I am already encumbering my own financial responsibility at the age of fifteen. I had to work to pay for my school fee, educational needs and meal allowance. I remembered there was once I refused to purchase text books because I see no point in buying something I have no use for. I preferred to study my subject using notes and that notion almost got me into a heated argument with her.
‘You are incorrigible!’
Well, who cares? She never understands anyway.
The only moment I truly cherish is the time after school. Nope, it has nothing to do with CCA (in fact, I don’t have any CCA to speak of as well. No time for MOE’s gimmick of making sure that students spent their time adequately and ‘constructively) - it’s when I start work. Albeit the pay isn’t anything fantastic, the money is enough to get my life going. And more importantly, I can leave the perimeter of the school and that kept me sane for the rest of the day.
I was planning to conclude my shop for the day, but Rick is still lurking around, gazing at our collection of Bear Bricks – a series of collectable toys that could fetch some good money in the collectors’ market, if anyone has gotten their hands on some of those limited ones. Also, it depends on the size of it – 100% refers to the standard size, followed by 400% (four times the size of the ordinary version) and 1000% (ten times).
‘How much for the 100% Kaws Bearbrick?’
‘Sorry Rick… that’s not for sale…’
‘Wah… then why are displaying it when you have no intention to sell it?’
‘You how it works, you got to ask my boss about this…’
Rick sighed. This chap, standing seven feet tall and probably the same age as me, had the mien of some rich man son and I am probably right: the clothes and shoes he wore were of underground labels and that alone revealed almost one thousand worth in retail value. Of course, beyond those exquisite brands, he had deep sunken eyes with speaks. He had fair complexion – probably not the very sporty sort of guy. His deliberately-kept fringe swept over his forehead, with threads of copper-brown hair rested neatly on his eyebrow.
And Rick is a regular customer of mine.
He was here three nights ago and spent two hundred over bucks on those Bear Bricks. I thought that was madness. Two hundreds over bucks for those little toys? It could probably sustain my living for two to three weeks! My goodness. It’s crazy, knowing how people splurged their money.
Rick stood on akimbo while his gaze remained affixed on the 100% Kaws figurine, looking rather disappointed. That demeanor reminded me so much an image of a little boy, refusing to leave sight of his ‘toy’ – even when mummy says no.
‘Hey Rick, we are closing, but I got some good news for you: few days later, we are importing 1000% ‘Mastermind’ Bear Brick. If you are really interested, you can pop by and reserve your set with down a payment.’
‘I can pay now actually…’
‘But my boss strictly mentioned that we can only accept reservation and payment on that day to ensure fairness.’
‘Come on Ivy… it’s not that you don’t know me. Being your loyal and regular customer, I should have at least some perks?’
I leaned over and whispered into his ears.
‘Ok la, I will guarantee one place for you. Drop by one day earlier - leave your particulars down, so I can fill in for you when the reservation is open for public.’
Chapter 2
My blank mind grew ponderous, like a sinking ship struck by a torpedo, with every inch closer back home. I deliberately slowed my pace, deluding myself in that sense that I wouldn’t reach home so quickly. But how long can one stall time for a destination only a couple of minutes distance from the MRT station? Although a day of hard work can tired one easily, such fatigue is nothing compared to that of an emotional version. I would rather be shagged out physically, than to be gelded unscrupulously by my twisted life, threatening to suck every mote of essence in me.
I abhorred that feeling.
The moment I pushed the door open, a pair of hostile eyes was staring at me. It was dad, grasping a can of Tiger beer in his right hand and a remote controller on the other. Streaks of the gold liquid burst above the beer can like a geyser as dad tightened his hands around the can, demonstrating his usual annoyance.
‘Why you home so late?’
‘I had to study…’
I didn’t even looked at him in the eye (I never wanted to), but I could sense his eyes trailing me with suspicion.
‘STUDY? SO LONG? STUDY SO LONG ALSO FAIL! STUDY FOR WHAT? GO WORK LA’
My room door shut abruptly behind me and unfortunately, just enough to catch his last statement.
I ditched my bag on my marble flooring and hurled myself onto the bed. For the past one year, it was toilsome trying to hide my employment away from my ever prying-dad. Not that he would yell at me for working; on the contrary, he would be delighted about the extra stream of income, so that he could kindly extort it from me.
I used to envy other people’s father, on being a positive role model and showering their kids with plethora of love and money. I never knew how it felt in that sense – a loving dad being a loving dad. Mine is the classic abusive dad that squandered the family resources and created domestic tragedy. My brother stormed out of home and never returned ever since he had an intense argument with dad, followed by few exchanged of fists. Dad fractured his arm during the confrontation and almost went to the police in rage to report his own son. If not for mum’s teary intervention, this case would probably hit front page of The Newpaper, having the unfortunate opportunity of wishing our dirty linen in public.
Then a sharp shriek echoed audibly outside my room. I cuddled my piglet bolster and pulled my blanket nearer to my painful ears, trying my best not to be bothered by what’s going on outside the peaceful perimeter in my room. I wouldn’t wish to trade the serenity I am enjoying within the boundary of this room to resolve the impossible out in that ‘battlefield’. It wouldn’t be too difficult to guess what dad was doing – boisterously trying to demand money from mum again. Mum would be pleading him (sometimes on her injured knees) not to take those valuables and waste a visit to some of these drabs down at the Geylang whorehouse.
Both brother and I did, innumerous attempt, to persuade mum to leave that useless man I called Father, but her weak archetype personality and that conventional (read stupid) mindset prevented her from registering those words of wisdom into a possible option. She is the kind of woman man loved to abuse, or rather, the kind of woman which will attract abusively mate and would foolishly continue to accept her cursed destiny of being abused until the day she pass on.
The entire house rumbled for a moment as dad slammed the main door, following by gradually fading of footfall.
I shut my eyes and coerced myself to sleep.
Chapter 3
School bell went into orgasmic mode; school was over. However, I had to stay behind for some mundane humanities project. I had already informed boss about working later and fortunately, he is very understanding.
It was pair work and I had conveniently opted for the girl sitting next to me: Jane, the most civil minded, going-by-the-book girl I have ever knew in my life. She is a prefect and we were classmates for almost four years. Initially, she reckoned that I was some notorious ah lian, and fettered herself from any interaction with me. It was only until last year, she got herself entangled with some self proclaimed ah lians by booking them and I got her out of the hot soup, literally.
I took down the leader of the pack single-handedly and came out of that brawl almost unscathed. The gang leader, Chanel, challenged me to a one-on-one fight at the nearest staircase and I obliged. The next moment? She was lying on the floor and crying, asking that I stop pounding on her. They were a bunch of girl bullies that thrived on intimidating the weak and I have always hated them to my guts. Jane was the catalysis for me to act and it wasn’t because I was heroic - I just wanted to teach them a good lesson.
From then, we became good friends. Her dad is a wealthy business man and more importantly, she was the teachers’ pet. My background was totally opposite of her and, I was the teacher’s nightmare.
What an irony! But the camaraderie turned out to be incredible.
Chanel and her cronies marched along the corridor, peering into my class, often trying to seize any opportunities to screw me up. Sadly for her, I don’t go for recess, preferring to stay in class to recuperate from academic torture. In that sense, Chanel was never able to sabotage me, during break, without me knowing.
Regardless, I am leaving this damned school soon. Once I completed my ‘O’ levels, all these trashes in my life will vanish simultaneously and I am looking forward to that.
I felt daggers staring and when I turned around to catch those stares, Chanel and her cronies would then put their gaze away from me, childishly pretending to adore the great sky, while disingenuously commenting about the recent vagary weather. Usually it doesn’t bother me, but there was once I was having PMS and she did just that. I followed her to the toilet and inflicted bleeding lips and gums upon her before stepping out of the ladies.
Ironically, because of ‘face’ issue, she would rather die than to report such matters to the teachers. Words will get around easily and eventually the world would know; Chanel would rather suicide than to allow herself such ignominy.
I am not someone to be trifled with. My burgeoning years has taught me the theory behind survival of the fittest and this basic instinct kept me alive and protected all these years. Perhaps that’s why I always have this subconscious maternal instinct to protect the people worthy in my life and to fight aggressively to those who tried to bring harm upon them.
‘When is your chauffeur coming?’
‘Soon I guess. Anyway, we only have that bit left to do, I will finish it up for you,’ replied Jane as she began to pack her bag, ‘you want me to give you a ride to your work place?’
I nodded gratefully.
Transportation by her chauffeur is nothing but a swift ride down town; soon after, I reached
I saw Alvin, my colleague, standing near the entrance of my store, probably waiting for my arrival.
‘Hey sorry man!’
‘Don’t have to apologize to me… apologize to him instead…’
My eyes followed where Alvin was pointing and my sight ended up at somebody familiar – Rick.
‘Rick has been waiting for more than two hours. I don’t know what business you had with him, but I think you have asked him to pop by…’
Whoops! My memories have failed me this time; I recalled asking Rick to drop by a day earlier to pass me the cash and I have forgotten clean about it. Then I saw Rick at one corner of my store, his visage filled with sarcastic expression, as he fiddled with his grindstone (or diamonds, who knows?) studded watch, subtly trying to remind me about the time now.
I grabbed Rick by his arms and pulled him out of the store as I stick out my apologetic tongue.
Then I turned over to Alvin.
‘I will go out for a quick lunch! Be back soon!’
And I closed the one-sided conversation with a wink.
Chapter 4
‘Pai seh ar…’
‘No worries; I am not angry or what. I was just pulling your legs just now,’ said Rick heartily, ‘Have you eaten? I know I haven’t.’
I shook my head gently and rubbed my tummy. My goodness, I never realized how famished my stomach felt. Before my lips could agree, I gazed at Rick with an appraising eye.
‘I thought we are just a ‘customer’ and ‘retailer’ relationship? What’s with ‘lunch’?’
‘Don’t be silly; I have always regarded you as a friend working in Action City.’
To my surprise, his right hand went above my head and patted it twice, before flashing two rows of insanely white teeth for a second.
‘It’s your treat!’ yelled Rick as he exited through the automatic doors of Heeren.
I pouted and quietly followed behind him.
‘Wah rao eh! Pat my head for what? Stupid guy…gonna throw rock at him.’
Observing the direction Rick is heading; I reckoned late lunch is likely to be at Cineleisure’s Food Court. Great because I can only afford budget meal right now as I need to scrimp every cent possible. To be honest, I am actually contemplating on staying alone to escape this wretched home of mine, devoid of any warmth. And obviously, that would require some form of financial ability before I could strike out myself.
When will that be? I truly wondered.
Sigh.
‘What you want to eat? I will buy the same as you.’
Rick sheared my flow of thoughts. I stared at his face blankly, trying to recall my thoughts back from Pluto.
‘Err… help me buy Ban Mian? Here’s ten bucks…’
‘It’s ok my dear; this will be my treat…’
‘How can? It was my fault leh!’
‘Don’t worry; you can always treat me another day.’
I exuded one of my most feminine-mixed-alluring smile ever. Rick reciprocated likewise before he vanished into the short queue. Women are indeed the greater evil of the two sexes; they know they can afford to make mistakes and still get away with it easily. I would readily admit; I have occasionally known to take a little advantage from this. Hiak!
Still, I am not that evil; I will treat him another day.
I lifted my gaze at Rick from afar as he returned shortly with two piping hot Ban Mian. Top: Agnes B signature Tee. Bottom: Guess denim jeans. Shoes: Visvim shoes. I am beginning to suspect that his wardrobe doesn’t have anything belonging to that of ‘lesser’ brands.
Then curiosity got better of me.
‘How much pocket money do you get Rick?’
‘About $800 per month? Why?’
‘That’s close to the amount I am paid from working!’
‘You may think that I am crazy, but I think working is quite fun. At least from the way I see it.’
‘Fun? Why not you try working and studying at the same time?’
‘My parents disapprove it; I have asked before.’
Our conversation flowed with surprising ease and I discovered much about this guy, whom I previously only perceived him as my regular customer. Rick came from yet another wealthy family (gosh, everyone seemed to have good family background apart from me!) and studied in ACJC. He will probably be going overseas to pursue his bachelor degree as his dad has pretty much planned his future… the path to be a doctor.
‘Wow… I cannot even imagine me getting good scores for my ‘O’ level and somebody here is already a potential-future doctor to be.’
‘Well, but that doesn’t say anything about happiness you know,’ mused Rick.
It was said in a deliberate softer tone, but I heard every single bit of it. Then I noticed a slight change in his demeanor, as if his thoughts leaped miles away and he had transitorily forgotten about my presence, revealing an unconscious true self of ten odd seconds – something that I have never seen in his skin before.
‘Eh… you ok?’
Rick curled his lips to a faint smile.
Chapter 5
I walked home alone; dreaded the feeling of coming back.
I hit the lift button and the door screeched open in protest, as a piece of real estate advertising pamphlet got itself wedged strategically in a small opening beneath the door. Obviously some mischievous kid probably got cheeky and decided to slot that spam mail into the opening.
And the culprit is likely to be from the household at sixth floor, because nobody else in the right frame of mind would do something like this. Once I caught the kid trying to burn the tail of a stray cat and sternly admonished him about his plain cruelty to the feline. To my disbelief and horror, his mum rushed over and yelled at me. I tried to reason with her, but she kept retaliating with screams of banshee.
Spare the rod, spoilt the child. If that was my kid, I would have slapped him senseless, so as to inculcate and teach him correct values about life, before he becomes wayward and ill-disciplined.
Praised the lord! Dad wasn’t home, although the house is in quite a bit of a mess – it’s the norm though. Dad had to flip through every corner of the house searching for hidden cache of money. Fortunately, I always kept my room locked, with only me having access to my own room. Fought with dad over this issue a million times and he finally succumbed to the fact that he will never be able to plunder my room without me murdering him outrageously. Anyway, even if he somehow managed to enter, there’s nothing valuable for him to loot literally.
Then my phone vibrated for a moment – there was an SMS.
‘Hey, Rick here. I am somewhere near the vicinity of your house. Wanna come down for a drink?
Although tomorrow is Saturday, I am actually quite drained from today’s work and travelling. Not wanting to appear like a disinterested prick, I decided to reply him tomorrow morning, citing the convenient lie that I was already sleeping.
At this moment, my nightmare returned; daddy was back and it was blatant that he was inebriated with booze as he was unable to conceal his drunken mirth. The horrible stench of alcohol and puke beset him and he wavered in his footstep, trying to make his way forward. In that instant, he reminded me so much of a zombie from Resident Evil and I chuckled at the thought of it.
Dad squinted at me, trying to figure out who the hell I was. In that blur state of mind, he started muttering incongruously as his index finger pointed straight at me.
Then somehow, from his gamut of dramatic emotions, his temperament started to vacillate to the other end.
‘You…and…your…mother the same… CCB! HIDE THE FUCKING MONEY EVERYWHERE…’
I decided to give him a wide berth – but before I could even enter my room, he was there, trying to act as a barrier between me and my safe haven.
‘And where’s your mother huh? That bitch!’
My phone vibrated, yet another SMS again.
I dashed out of my house without a second thought.
Chapter 6
I am feeling weary from all the constant chaos and commotion going on in my house. It really desecrated my well being and health from all the clashes I had with people I called parents.
‘Lucky thing you SMS me, if not, I won’t know what to do man.’
Unconsciously, a crystal tear slipped out of my control and tracked nonchalantly down my cheek. In nick of time, Rick’s hand caught the watery droplet and courteously wiped it off with a piece of Scott tissue. Then he put his arms on my petite shoulder and squeezing it gently like a soft cushion.
Rick came near my area as he was on his way to his buddy’s house. Probably to check out where I stay exactly as I casually revealed to him my address during lunch, being part of a typical conversation. It was beyond my calculation that he actually bother to pay me visit, although that was indeed a blessing in disguise given the circumstance earlier on. He parked his car just below my flat and we were inside, chatting and listening to some modern-infused-classical music that was lingering subtly in the background.
‘This piece is called Toccate and Fugue.’
I merely smile at his reply. An ah lian like myself wouldn’t listen to such genre of music, albeit I thought the piece was beautiful.
‘Life is just that; we can’t choose the way things are given to us, but certainly, we can choose what we want things to be in the future.’
‘That’s easy to say,’ I mused, ‘…but difficult to achieve’.
‘Well, if you believe in it, it might just work out for you?’ encouraged Rick.
Rick then stretched forward and tapped the windscreen with his index finger a couple of times. Apparently, he seemed to be pointing towards the starless night sky.
You should always aim for the Moon and even if you fail to reach, at least you will hit the clouds.’
‘You are thinking that it’s possible because you don’t understand how it’s like to be in a wretched family. I don’t suppose you even know how it feels to maintain your personal upkeep or to pay your own bills?’
Rick did not anticipate this and I could see he was taken aback by my somewhat-provocative statement.
‘I am sorry.’
Rick shrugged his shoulders slightly.
‘Well, I guess you are right. I have not even paid any bills in my life. I guess even though I am two years older, you probably had more deals in life than I do.’
My mind started wandering after his reply; I was reckoning if it was indeed better, ultimately, to be in his situation. I mean coming from a sheltered environment is one that people would envy for sure, but in growth, I am not too sure about that. Put me alone in a no man’s land and I would still be able to survive, but I won’t say for certain if it was Rick.
‘You may think I am rich; but hell, my friends are worst.’
‘Why am I not surprised?’ I murmured.
A series of honking, coming from an approaching BMW, shattered the gentle ambience and diverted our attention. The BMW then park itself by the side of the road and its owner began to walk towards our direction.
‘Well, my friend is finally here!’
‘Ok, I guess, I shall not hold you longer. It has almost been an hour and the half since you came.’
‘No issue my friend,’ replied Rick gentlemanly.
‘Thanks…I appreciated it. Officially… I declare that we are now friends.’
‘What? You mean only now?’
‘Hahaha!’
Chapter 6 (Part II)
‘Wow!’ exclaimed Alex, ‘that’s quite a babe man…’
Rick blinked in tacit agreement as he gradually watched Ivy faded out of sight.
‘But too bad… she looks kinda ah lian to me. Where’s she from?’
‘She’s taking her ‘O’ level this year; some neighborhood school.’
‘OMG! Since when are you interested in ah lian?’
Rick faked a punch towards Alex in reprisal to his remark.
‘She’s just a friend.’
Chapter 7
It has been months since we have knew each other. Rick would occasionally drop by my store and proposed dinner dates, provided I wasn’t too busy with work. Juggling school work and a job has never been easy; I recalled during my aberrant years, I would probably be exhausting precious time away with bunch of other delinquents: chit chatting at the kopitiam, feeding tokens at the arcade, getting into girl fights, engaging in underage drinking and all other illicit activities that literally wasted myself away. Ok, I admit I am still smoking though, but has participated a lot less in those stuff.
Although I still do not have a pristine view of my future, nevertheless, my first priority is to gain independence and move out of my desolate household.
‘I realized that you are much tamer now,’ piped Alvin.
‘Really?’
‘I used to think that you are quite fierce, especially when you don’t smile. At least now you are smiling more.’
We discover something new about ourselves everyday; I cannot help but to concur with his deduction. I do have that murderous look when I appeared serious or simply putting on a look without smiles. Alvin used to tell me that was how I subconsciously deterred men from approaching me.
‘So did it deter you from talking to me?’ I asked haughtily.
‘Sorry, but I have thick skin.’
I rolled my eyes and Alvin ended up laughing.
‘But I think you are getting pretty close to Rick,’ observed Alvin, ‘maybe that’s why.’
‘That’s why what?’
Before I could comprehend his insinuation, my phone rung at the moment - it was a message from Rick and he says he will be my driver for today. Yay!
Rick has recently signed up for a Fitness First gym package and they have a branch in Paragon. During one of our many conversations, I jokingly implored him to be my chauffeur if he is going back home after gym around the time I closed my store. To my surprise, he hooked my pinky with his and nodded in tacit agreement.
I bid Alvin a hasty farewell and hurried my way down.
In less than a minute, his car arrived and I eagerly hopped in.
“Woo, your fast!’
‘You’re not too bad yourself.’
I lifted my hands to hide my smirk.
There has never been a better time for me to revel in the cadence of wondrous music after a day of hard work. My tired eyes were hypnotized by the soothing rhythm to rest for a moment and although there were silence; it was a comfortable silence. This was precisely why I love being around Rick - no pressure or a need to mask my real identity.
I always believe that at times, a woman needs to feel like a woman.
‘See? I am honest; if I am around the vicinity at this time after my gym session, I will fetch you,’ said Rick, breaking the comfortable silence.
‘Ok la… I am very gan dong (touched). Is that enough?’
‘No… HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! You owe me something now!’
‘What you want me to do?’
‘Tell you next time,’ said Rick friskily as maneuvered his car into the carpark where my flat is and stopped at the side most convenient for me, in view of the lift.
‘Then I will give you a down payment first.’
I arched over and hugged him.
‘Er…’
‘HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Now you owe me something instead!’
Without allowing him the chance to complete his sentence, I raced out of the car, flushing with slight redness.
Chapter 8
I couldn’t sleep.
Nope, it has nothing to do with dad. No mosquito bites as well.
Turning and tossing in bed, my mind was far too restless in entertaining fleeting thoughts than to settle into a goodnight sleep. To be honest, that one particular scene of me hugging Rick telecasted about a hundred repetitions inside my mind. I literally spewed profanities at myself, hoping that it would go away. But it never did.
‘What’s wrong with you sia Ivy…? Why are you thinking of Rick?’
Irritated by my wakefulness, I positioned my bolster behind me and sat up. Staring into blank space, I began to recall my initial impression of Rick when I first knew him.
A chuckle seized me during certain climax recall.
My eyes gazed out of my window and regarded the bewitching moon exuding celestial moon rays, partially shrouded by gargantuan mass of crimson clouds, congregating like a bunch of delicious marshmallow. I lifted my hands towards the Moon, as if I could reach it and pretended to grasp it.
‘You should always aim for the Moon and even if you fail to reach, at least you hit will the clouds…’
Sigh.
I realized that I may know the answer to my insomnia, but when I probed a little deeper, I got so afraid of knowing the truth behind this befuddlement that I rather not think about it. Then the unprobed issue simply slipped through unfiltered and choked up my cognitive facility, giving rise to all these random thoughts.
It has been ages since I embraced a guy willingly. Ok – romantically speaking. My first boyfriend lasted less than a week and the most we did was to hold hands. Shortly after, I ditched my second beau because I thought he was different from a typical beng, but I was quite wrong. Then came the third, fourth and fifth, and I cited them to be unsuitable and the relationship too lasted about a week.
In school, I earned quite an infamous reputation of dumping men within a week. There was this silly rumor, saying that if any man could last more than a week with me, we would be together forever.
And yes, that stupid rumor got into many ears and suddenly, I had many suitors. Crap.
But nobody came close to what it did for Rick.
‘Whoops! What are you thinking again man?’ I murmured to myself and initiated my right hand for an involuntarily slap across my face.
Perhaps I am too used being an escapist, avoiding delicate feelings I never wanted to understand. Somehow, before I could sink myself into any relationship, I would be the first to run even before the storm approaches. Or even in clear cerulean sky.
My brother reckoned that I am suffering from inferior complex. I tried asking for explanation and possible solutions, but that’s the zenith of his limited knowledge - he could not comment any further.
‘Maybe I should just be truthful to my own feelings…’
An unheralded SMS came to my phone; I wriggled my fingers to my left, attempting to search for my mobile in darkness.
A smile appeared on my lips as I read the content.
‘Goodnight and sleep tight – your chauffeur Rick.’
I guess I have truly fallen in love.
Chapter 9
Today, I was worked to my bone; I finished some logistic backend work and left the store one and a half hour later. Though it’s claimable monetary-wise, but nevertheless laborious. Alvin urged me to leave earlier, but it’s not my character to leave someone in a lurch with all the burden of work.
In that sense, all is equal when it comes to official work; both man and woman.
I came out of the station and decided to steal a quick puff. None of my immediate family member knew of my smoking habit, but even if they do, actually, it doesn’t really matter. Mum did suspect, but I merely dismissed it as friends’ cigarette smoke tainting the smell of my clothes. The gist of my tales is always about others and my naïve mum always buys my story, no matter how bizarre.
‘POW!’
I was flailed by a wicked force, lost my balance and sending me directly to the floor, chin first. A deep abrasion lined my chin and streaks of bright red blood painted my palm when I touched the wounds.
A maddening rage saturated my mind as I was determined to see who the assailants were. Before I could turned my head around, I felt a kick blow towards my right, followed by several other kicking and stomping in similar fashion. I rolled about in a defensive stance and amid of being battered by a group of approximately six girls, I caught a familiar face among the aggressors.
‘FUCK YOU CHANEL!’
‘Sia lan eh, le zhe bai si liao wa ka li gong…CCB. (Bitch, you are dead shit now. Fuck.)’
I saw Chanel raising a hand signal and the kicking ceased. Before I could recover, Chanel lunged forward and reached for my tresses, yanking it up with all her might. An unspeakable pain coursed through my body as I screamed in utmost pain and her other unfettered hand went across my face in one tight slap. As if possessed by a crazed demon, I threw myself towards her and brought her down together with me. The falling impact, with me above her, literally crushed her breasts and stomach as her eyes widened with the unanticipated sudden throe of pain. I took the opportunity and grabbed two generous handful of her hair and pulled in two separate directions.
Chanel let out a pitch-breaking yelp, mixed with some Hokkien profanities.
Then I felt many pairs of hands on my back, desperately trying to pull me away from Chanel. In midst of that chaotic confrontation, I instinctively executed a deadly elbow-blow to this petite girl on my right and the blow hit squarely into her chest. Then she backed to the nearest wall, with her hands holding tightly to her chest and a face full of agony.
One plus sized girl sunk her fingernails into the skin of my right arm and drew southwards. I tried to fend her off, but her other three friends kept raining blows on me and I had to use my other hand to parry their attacks. Blood was all over my body and as far as I know, those were my own blood.
Chanel got up furiously and launched a foot into my stomach and I literally sprawled to the same wall as petite girl. Then conveniently, petite girl tried to pull my hair, only to be met by my fist smashing into her face. Drops of blood spurted disgusting and I could see her crying as she was completely disabled by me.
As if enraged by my reprisal, the remainders regrouped and assaulted me once again. This time, their hits became more frenzied and I couldn’t retaliate anymore as I was engulfed by the pain of my injuries, helplessly fend off their attacks. Their beating persisted relentlessly and the ordeal seemed like eternity. I almost felt that I could just die instantaneously and today could be the day I meet my maker.
‘OEI!!!!!!!’
It was a familiar voice and the next thing I know, I saw Rick, fighting his way to where I was. I could see from the corner of my injured eyes that he was trying to push the girls away and getting hit by a couple of them as a result.
‘Eh siao lian eh, zarbo sio pa, le chap simi? (Hey kid, girls’ fighting here, what’s your problem?)
Then it dawned on me that there were actually two guys keeping watch. Due to Rick’s timely intervention, the girls stopped their beatings. Peering through my partially covered eyes with blood and sweat, I had the insane urge to hug Rick and cry in his embrace.
But it doesn’t seem to be over yet.
Rick stood in front of me, with his protective arms outstretched.
‘You guys are fucking lawless!’
‘Siao eh, wa ka le ho seh, le ka wa ‘Fuuck’ simi law…wa xiong le si beh tio liao lor…’ (Hey kid, I talk to you nicely and you fucked me back. I think you need to be taught a lesson).
The bald guy who responded to Rick is heavily tattooed, probably signified the street gang he’s from. He towered at an approximate height of 180cm tall and had massive built. He cracked his knuckles and flexed his neck menacingly as he inched maliciously towards Rick, like a tiger advancing towards a wolf.
There’s no way Rick could take him on without certain death.
Inside me of me, I prayed for divine assistance.
Rick stood his ground.
Chapter 10 (Part I)
Rick thudded onto the cement-paved floor, face down. I could see his fingers wriggling weakly, attempting to muster some strength to pick himself up… again. Rick was bleeding from corners of his lips and I could see him grating his teeth in futile fury.
I was physically restrained by three girls, with their hands over my mouth, insofar as to shield my maddening screams from blasting outwardly. I swung my arms randomly and kicked wildly, but was completely defeated in my attempt to rush forth and stop that brute from hurting Rick.
My eyes widened and swelled with tears as I could see the brute curling into a derisive smile, eagerly crushing Rick’s fingers beneath his worn-out Converse shoes like a helpless roach. I tried pleading, but my voice was lost beneath several thick layers of flesh and drops of tears were pressured to gush out of my eyes like a rueful maiden. Rick cried out in pain and his other hand immediately clutched the brute’s ankle, as if trying to push away his leg to release his tortured hand.
‘POLICE COMING!!’
I was freed from ‘imprisonment’ and fell helplessly to the ground. The gang of assailants vanished as soon as they appeared, running helter skelter in separate directions. Crawling pathetically toward Rick, I reached for his uninjured hand and held it to my chest.
Rick didn’t say anything, except to smile faintly. Even in times like this, he is still wearing that cheery façade. His breathing was heavy, although there was some sense of relief in his rhythm.
By stroke of luck and ironically, it was the irritable family from sixth floor whom discovered the commotion and called the police. I saw the pesky kid running towards me, trying to help us up. In that blurry flash, suddenly, pesky kid looked so lovable and affectionate.
‘Oh my goodness, gangsters around our estate? The police better do something about it!’ exclaimed the mother from sixth floor.
Chapter 10 (Part II)
I was in the hospital, still partially dazed from the unfortunate event. My eyes were staring, with no particular focus upon the alabaster-like wall right in front of me. Beside me stood a Filipino nurse attending to my wounds, wrapping and applying whatever necessary on my wounds. Though I felt burning sensation sizzling around my injuries, it’s nothing compared to the anguish of seeing Rick getting hit in attempt to protect me.
‘How’s the other guy?’ I managed to snap from my drifting thoughts and constructed a sentence.
‘I don’t know,’ said the nurse in her Filipino ascent, ‘but he’s over at the other room.’
As I lumbered my way towards the direction pointed by the nurse, my hands were desperately trying to find any form of reachable support to assist me, as the next worst thing that could happen to me is a bad fall and I want to prevent that.
Then I heard some blabbering hostile voice as I turned into the room. I paused by the door – a feisty woman, probably in her forties, was blasting her frustration and anger at a familiar figure.
The figure was Rick.
The woman swung her hands aggressively with every spoken word, completely displeased with the response she gets from Rick. Rick was silent, but his eyes had a defiant spirit, despite the rain of words the lady threw at him - she never did break his composure.
Suddenly, my feet felt ponderous; it seemed hesitated to inch anywhere further.
‘I don’t understand why would you get into a fight like these? Have you been mixing with the wrong company? I know that dad and mum is busy at times, but that doesn’t mean you have the prerogative to act like hooligans and fight like one?’
‘Mum… how many times have I explained that I DID NOT INITIATE THE FIGHT! I saw my friend getting hit by a group of ah lians, obviously I can’t leave her in the lurch right?’
‘You could have called the police – why take matters into your own hands? What if they had weapons with them? Do you know how dangerous that is? What if they hurt you with it? You could have died you know?
Rick folded his arms defensively and lowered his head a little.
‘These gangsters are crazy, they can waste their life fighting because they don’t know what they want to do with their life. Son, THIS IS SINGAPORE! There is simply no room for trash like these. The next moment you will see some of these kids in the Straits Times committing bigger crimes and being a regular patron in jail. I don’t want you to have any connection with such people nor lifestyle. You are a doctor-to-be and these people are going to be laborers, cleaners or end up salvaging drink cans from the trash bins in the future: you are not going to be like them.’
‘Mom, you are not being rational…’
‘Rational? Son, I telling you that your mum is being rational here. And who is this friend you are protecting? And pray tell me how do you know her?
My mind screamed an intuitive warning, but I lagged a second; Rick caught my presence and his eyes softened a little. Sensing the change in his visage, her mum looked over her shoulder and caught me standing by the door before I could escape out of view. Our gaze met and I could literally see her scrutinizing every fabric of my skin and clothing, like how my mum would check the freshness of fish at the wet market.
‘I don’t remember seeing her at church – who is she?’
‘She just a friend’s friend. I knew her from Alvin.’
‘That’s a good attempt at lying son. Have you forgotten that aunty Celine is your mum’s best friend? And no… Alvin do not have such friends.’
Rick’s mum then walked up to me, all the while gazing deep into my eyes. I was rooted at where I was standing, completely immobilized as if I was trapped by some formidable evil magic.
‘Girl… I don’t know how you have gotten to know Rick, but it doesn’t matter actually. You are pretty for a girl of your age, but my son isn’t suitable for you.’
‘MUM! SHE ISN’T MY GIRLFRIEND!’ yelled Rick across the room.
‘Don’t yell son; I know you have better taste than this,’ replied her mum sarcastically, before turning to me, ‘Girl, tell me: what are you doing now?’
‘I am working and studying…taking my ‘Os’’ I murmured.
‘And which school are you studying at, may I know?’
‘*Tian Cai Secondary School...’
*(Upon Yunhaier's careful consideration, actual school have been edited to protect identity and as well as to prevent potential flame war)
‘Pardon my ignorance, I knew not of your school. And working? Why are you working? What are your parents doing?’
I grew extremely uncomfortable with her interrogation because I know her mum is trying to prove a point to her son about a wretched being like myself.
I did not answer her; I just spun around and ran towards the nearest stairs.
Chapter 11
I ran.
I did not halt.
I did not speed.
I just ran and ran… almost into oblivion of my surrounding and background. I whizzed passed countless of people and cars; bypass several weird stares darting into my way and even almost myself into an accident when a motorcycle precariously steered into my path. Fortunately, the driver narrowly missed ramming me down, but then again, even if he did, at that moment, it seriously doesn’t really matter. Or at least that was how I felt so.
I don’t know why I was so overly affected by the dialogue with his mum. Perhaps, her words did revealed certain subconscious self doubts; though I did not agree with her views, yet at the same time, I did not have the space to retort or defend myself. I stood there helplessly and got sheared relentlessly by the truth of her words, enlightening me about the very reality of our society. She didn’t say anything I didn’t understood; in fact every nuance of her sarcasm inevitably exposed a portion of my inferior complex, leaving it vulnerable for any siege attack. Rick’s mum managed to personify every aspect of my unloving life into something so ghastly negative in perception that I realized I cannot withstand seeing a wretched person like myself being around the man I adore.
It was like a street beggar claming that the king was once his best friend – utterly unimaginable.
She wasn’t right, but ironically, she wasn’t wrong as well.
‘Ouch!’
One uncle bumped into me recklessly as he was frantically trying to flag down the fleeting bus; I fell on my bump painfully.
Then I could see the bus driver glancing from the corner of his eyes at him, but he spare little sympathy to stop for this man. Checking the blind spot on his right, the bus driver switched lane and drove away. The uncle gave me an unapologetic look at me, as if I was the reason for his failure to board the bus and that itself ‘even out’ the accident.
Nobody bothered about me; I sat on the ground for almost one full minute, watching several pairs of shoes, slippers and sandals marched passed me. No help… no assistance… no nothing. People probably thought I must be some kind of nutcase and typically preferred to mind their own business.
It finally dawned to me that I can only learn to fend for myself in this acrimonious world where status matters much more than anything else, because nobody will give a damn about your plight if you are just some peasant trying to survive in this world owned by elites or people segmented as part of the upper tier in society.
Even love, which I once held its image so highly, has succumbed to the twisted yardstick of our society.
Or perhaps, I had finally grown up.
And I thought I could love him?
‘What a bizarre thought,’ I said to myself as I recalled my unworthy affection, before getting up.
I saw the uncle lighting up a cigarette and puffing away. Suddenly, I had the urge to smoke as well - this is especially so whenever I experienced a drastic change in mood. Emotional stress never fails to remind me about my cigarette break, but before I reached for my ‘box of comfort’, I saw the same uncle, slipping his left hands in his pocket and fidgeting the content. Drawing out and opening his palm, a deep furrow lined his temple as he examined the coins he retrieved from his pocket. Then his right index finger went over each individual coins, with his lips silently counting them, as if he was making sure that the amount is correct.
I realized I saw a mirror image of myself in that scene - whenever a pretty apparel dazzled me with its beauty and elegance, but hesitated my impulse with its retail price, I will somewhat demonstrate similar behavior – the same flow of calculations, thoughts and action.
I have never seen Rick exhibiting that sort of consideration before. Life to him is about whether he wants it and not whether he can afford it.
Because the latter is never an issue.
Never.
We are such vast world apart; I reckoned the distance between Heaven and Earth might probably seemed nearer.
A drop of tear rolled down from my cheek.
Was I hurt?
Or had I finally see the light?
Chapter 12
I didn’t know how long I had cried the other day; it felt like eternity. The feeling of this gruesome sorrow felt like some deathly furnace that screamed unspeakable pain.
Dad’s temper has gotten worst these days; I deduced that it was due to his reduction in his beer intake. He has been complaining of chest pain and every time when mum tried to sympathize with him, he will make a lousy attempt at extortion again, since there wasn’t any cash lying around for him to fiche. Wonders how stupid can he gets; how much can one pilferage from an environment with limited resources?
If this wasn’t Singapore, it would be so much cheaper to buy a shotgun and shoot him, than to allow this leech to drain us financially and emotionally.
I lifted the curtains aside and stared out at the open window. Today, the night sky certainly looked gloomy.
It was exactly one week since I last saw Rick in the hospital. I recalled mum was so worried when she saw me in wounds and tears, but when I gave her a don’t-show-me-concern look, she kept quiet.
My mum is simply weak beyond imagination – she even feared her children. With zero mote of courage, there’s simply no way she could sign the divorce letter in hoping to escape this hellhole, short of killing herself and gamble a chance to reincarnate in better environment.
Dad often claimed that when mum had me in her wombs, he implored my mum to abort me. It was my brother, nine years my senior, who fought with him to keep me alive. Yes, a nine years old kid telling his dad not to abort his sister away and as a result, getting slapped in his act of honorable defiance.
And it is also the very brother whom disowned his own the family and left without a word or contact.
I closed my eyes and saddened at the thought of this family tragedy. I did not blame him because he already did what he could and it’s time to pursue a life that he needs.
That’s why I told myself, I will never be like my mother. Never! I would rather be self reliant, independent and firm.
‘I am sorry…’ - It was an SMS from Rick and the ring tone broke my chain of thoughts.
I fiddled with my phone, with my thumb brushing gently against the keypad of my phone, wondering how should I reply him. Digesting his words for a moment, a wave of anger coursed through my soul; why is he apologizing?
‘I know you are reading this message…’ – came the second SMS.
‘Can we meet?’ – it was the third.
‘Please Ivy?’ – that was the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth message.
‘I am already at your house downstairs…’
Immediately, I redirected my focus and did a sweeping scan across my car park and a familiar car stood glamorously along the side of the road.
‘I just need ten minutes…’
Chapter 13
I dragged my feet towards the lift and reluctantly hit the ground level button. Every descending level accelerated my pulse proportionately - I could almost feel my heart bashing itself out of my ribcage.
I have so much to tell him, but from where I am positioned, I didn’t know if I should still continue to hang around him or should I just hypnotize myself to move on with life and concentrate on school and work.
And as the lift door screeched opened; I saw him stood just right in front of me.
I did not know why; I rush forth and wrapped myself around him.
From the pugnacious and extremely strong-willed woman, I have transformed into a little girl, completely feeble and vulnerable. Rick compassionately received me; I could hear his gentle breath breezing above me. Then I started weeping a little and I felt the warmth of his hand bringing me closer to his chest, before patting my shoulder a couple of times.
Then, I could feel his same hand at the back of my head, probing through layers of my hair with his fingers, like curious children combing through tall grasses in a game of hide and seek. It felt so comforting that I wished that time could freeze at this moment forever.
‘Why are you crying?’ Rick asked.
‘Why are you apologizing?’ I replied, with the left side of my face buried deep into his embrace, refusing to look up.
We stood there in silence for a good ten minutes. Some people walked pass and I felt the aura of some erratic stares, but all that malicious energy coming from my neighbors’ disapproving stares seemed to deflect away harmlessly.
We had transcended our consciousness out of this world – a world of our own.
Never had I felt so protected and loved.
‘Come…follow me…’ I said, as I grabbed his hands and heeded for the stairs.
We ran steps after steps… level after level and all these while, I grasped tightly onto his hands. I caught his smile every time I turned around to steal a glance at Rick. Somehow, I seemed to run out of breath after the level six (probably because the mucus in my nose is blocking my respiration), while Rick still has cheers on his face.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I want to go to the roof.’
‘Why not we take the lift?’
‘Don’t want!’
‘You are out of breath Ivy,’ said Rick with concerns in his tone.
‘Out of breath? You must be crazy; back then in primary school, I ran for my class.’
‘Oh really?’
‘Ok, let’s play a game; I give you a three second head-start before I start chasing you. If I can catch you before you reach the top level, you are going to owe me another favor.’
Without hesitation, Rick started sprinting along the flight of stairs and seeing how fast he reacted, I started pursing him without the countdown.
‘That’s cheating Ivy!’
‘I don’t care!’
I drew every single ounce of my innate strength and started hounding him like a hunting dog, but Rick’s speed and agility is beyond my animalistic pursue. There was laughter echoing along the stairs, amid several running footfalls, as Rick started taunting me. I was semi-disabled from the humor he cracked, but adamantly, I continued racing after him.
However no matter how fast I ran, the distance never close up. He was too fast for me.
And finally, Rick reached the top first, emerging as champion of our little game.
‘Ok, that was fast. I think we came up faster than the lift.’
Fatigued and slightly disappointed, I grudgingly pointed to the ladder, imbued into the west wall.
‘How come it wasn’t locked?’ asked Rick as he climbed up to the roof cautiously.
I did not answer him; just gave him a smirk.
Chapter 14
The scene from the roof is amazing: Below us, I could see hundreds of brightly lighted homes with people walking passed their windows randomly. And above us were myriad of universal sky jewels, gleaming and sparkling with quiet joy.
I led Rick to a secluded corner, into a small spacing in between the water tanks and there was enough space for two people to sit around comfortably.
Then, I could see imaginary question marks hovering above his head.
‘How did you know this place?’
‘Whenever my dad gets aggressive and threatens to hit me, I would always race along the stairs, go up to the roof and hide in here.’
‘But it’s so dangerous here. Lightning could strike any time.’
‘You know Rick, we are so different,’ I commented causally as I peered through an aperture and reveled in the scenery on the other end, ‘the place you thought as dangerous is in fact my only safe haven in this hellish place’.
Rick paused and considered my words - it was as if he is putting himself in my shoes and thought for a moment.
‘So what do you want to tell me Rick?’ I turned to him and my tone become serious.
‘I am going army real soon...’
‘Yes, you should, it’s about time I guess,’ I murmured.
‘…And after that, I will be leaving for New Zealand to further my studies…’
My heart sank when I heard this; I think Rick sensed my disappointment because I thought I reacted pretty blatantly. Somehow, in his presence, I cannot fetter by emotions because I cannot concealed myself to someone who has seen all gamut of my dramatic emotions.
Someone who have witness it all, albeit he will won’t be able to comprehend.
He eyes started avoiding mine and there was an awkward moment of silence. Tucking my lips inwardly, I tried to shape a smile simultaneously and outstretched my hands.
‘Congratulation, I wish you all the best.’
Rick stared at my hands momentarily, before looking at me. I tilted my heads a little towards my right and raised my brow, tacitly imploring him to reciprocate my wishes. Then he did something completely random; he dig his pockets for something and placed it into my hands.
I opened up my palm and saw an Agnes B dog tag with his name on it.
‘Just in case you forget who I am; this will jog your memory a little.’
Then, I leaned over and kissed his lips.
‘Thanks for everything…really…’ I whispered into his ears as I clutched the gift fondly towards my heart, ‘Do you still remember you owe me one favor?’
‘Quite reluctantly, but yes…’ joked Rick. I could see his face flushing red from my affection.
‘Promise me that the day before you enlist into Army - date me out one last time. I want you to be my boyfriend for a day until midnight.’
Chapter 15
The day has come; I spared all extra effort to doll myself pretty, insofar as I hoped he will remember me in my most gorgeous moments since the day we were friends. Almost two hours on make up, dressing up, touching up and last minutes changes before I was finally satisfied with my final outlook.
I know I am already a pretty thing; just that today, I felt I was at the zenith of my attractive powers.
Rick is so sweet; he sent me a snail mail that arrived yesterday, reminding me about the date today. He composed the letter himself and in the letter, there was this personalized drawing, done by him, of a cartoon representation of me.
I didn’t know if I should laugh at my silly boy.
Checking that dad is still sleeping, I crept out of the house surreptitiously upon Rick’s SMS that he has arrived.
Rick was waiting placidly by his car; as I walked towards him, he gradually revealed a bouquet of flowers behind him – a bunch of white lilies.
‘You know, rose is so passé; so I got for you something else which look just as great.’
I was elated and received the flowers in an unspoken joy. Girls simply loved being showered with love and undivided attention.
I caught Rick gazing at me from the corner of my eyes – at least the time utilized for today’s occasion was indeed well spent.
‘You looked gorgeous today…’
‘Thanks…’
‘So as your boyfriend for the day, shouldn’t you at least kiss me before we leave for dinner?’
Bashfully, I reached over and pecked his cheek.
Rick drove to Intercontinental Hotel; apparently he has made reservation for the Japanese restaurant – KÔ. The ride down was pleasant and we had conversation like the days when he was my customer; it was as if nothing had ever happened.
‘Play that song - Toccate and Fugue. I want to listen… You know it was my first classical piece I heard in your car…’
I could see Rick smiling.
Shortly, we arrived. The Japanese restaurant had great ambience and there wasn’t many people - then I uncovered the reason why when I flipped the menu.
Gosh! The price is insane!
‘Don’t worry about the cost – as your boyfriend for the day, I will take care of everything.’
‘Are you nuts? It’s so expensive here.’
‘We only have four more hours before your favour will cease to take effect; let’s just enjoy ourselves, shall we?’
I began to understand why I had fallen for him; Rick is so natural that he always makes you feel as natural and at ease as he is. Being with him is somewhat like being myself – it’s so rare to be able to know someone who is able to exude such aura that you find so comforting to be around with.
Our conversation continued, added with slight dosage of flirting and flippant remarks, like what you might overhear from a couple revelling in their honeymoon stage.
It was magical.
The food was divine – the good culinary skill contributed only one factor, more importantly, the other factor lies with whom you are dining with. I can safety say the same thing, even if our meal was chicken rice, with a plate of dao gey and a can of coke.
We lingered for hours until the restaurant had to conclude for the day. A quick check on time revealed that we probably only had one and the half hour left.
‘Let’s go somewhere where we can sit around…’ said Rick.
We ended up in Esplanade and sat around the open public area while watching the sea waves washed up the shores. As time advanced nearer to midnight, I actually felt depressed, even just by thinking about it. And when Rick was about to make some lame comments (about this other couple sitting on the other side); I lifted my finger to his lips and hushed him.
‘Let’s keep this final hour to ourselves, ok?’
I lay my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. Albeit time is ticking as per normal, everything felt too fast. A dream; collapsing from the awakening of the night’s rest and emerging as consciousness; does it mean that I will return back to where I first came from?
Chapter 16
My eyes felt wet, although it remained shut. In the lonely darkness, I scouted my way towards his left hands and clasped it.
‘After midnight, all will be ashes to ashes; what about you? Do you even fancy a girl like me?’
Rick had no response.
My eyes twitched intensively and overflowed with doleful fluid.
‘You know, probably, we met at the wrong time…’
‘No, you are wrong,’ I said, struggling to avoid sounding as if I am whimpering, ‘the fact is not about the time - time is pretty much fair to me; it’s about the fact that I will never be able to keep up with you, no matter how much I try to change my destiny.’
‘Why say that?’
‘So many things happened and every incident merely reinforced that fact that we are on two different plane of existence. You talk about aiming for the moon – don’t you understand that some people just can’t be near the moon, even if that’s what the person should do?’
‘A moon is just an analogy…’
‘You remember the day when I chased after you?
Rick nodded instinctively.
‘…No matter how fast I ran, I will never be able to bridge the gap and distance...’
‘It’s only a game!’
‘It’s simply not just a game, you understand? It’s the truth! And the truth is that NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH YOU! Do you NOT understand? There is no way I can be like you… have your life and live the way you live… simply no way…’
All the suppressed emotional grievances poured through my voice like a flash flood, drowning all gaiety of today’s occasion.
‘Then do you love me Rick?’
‘I…’ began Rick, as his voice grew softer with every second of deliberate stalling.
I paused and close my eyes, anticipating Rick’s next reply.
‘…whatever it is… it probably won’t even work out…’ sighed Rick in a resigned tone, ‘…I think you are right…’
Like a crack in the windscreen from a fallen tree rock and like the advert of the anticipated dawn waiting to banish darkness from the face of this world, I felt my world of my delusion coming to an abrupt end; devastation rumbled across the realm, crumbling my illusionary world pieces by pieces.
‘Take back what you had said a while ago; I still have ten minutes before this dream of mine will implode.’
‘Ivy…’
‘Let me do what I want for ten minutes,’ I pleaded, ‘…I promise you once this is over, I will not bother you anymore…’
I reached over and hugged him.
‘Appreciate this beautiful dream…I promise you once I have woke up, I will no longer revert back to the same old me.’
I tightened my embrace a little, as if I could hear the shattering and fiery explosion within my world, perishing from the birth of reality. Falling debris, collapsing edifice and majestic towers – everything is tearing apart upon truth’s invasion.
‘One more minute left… just let me hug you throughout this time ok?’
And soon, my mobile alarm signalled the awakening.
Chapter 17 (Last Chapter)
It was almost three years since I last saw Rick. We never kept in contact because I told myself not to revisit this bitter-sweet chapter of my life. During the final time I saw him - we exchanged each other’s phone and deleted our numbers away mutually and swear never to commit to those digits into memories.
But every time when my mind started wandering restlessly and explored the memories I had with Rick, an uncontrollable urge to cry will seize me. I carried his Agnes B dog tag with me everyday – gradually, it became my amulet. I wore it with me every moment of my life since then, even during bath time.
It was an impossible thing – but the inability to tell him how much he meant to me is utterly tormenting. There wasn’t a time I could say anything – everything has been decided right from the start.
I could only follow how the flow of this plot has been fixed for me; there was no room for negotiation.
No prerogative for that.
Dad passed away from a heart attack. During his final moments, mum was still with him.
I started viewing my mum from very different perspective. Her love for dad was pretty much blinded and dumb, but at the very least, it was very real. Real enough to stand by him and brave through thick and thin.
It was only at his tomb, did mum revealed to story behind dad’s degeneration.
‘Your dad wasn’t like this previously; he lost all his money in business when his friend in China swindled him. Then when he was in great debts, I was expecting you. Daddy suggested aborting the child as he felt that it will burden the family, but my I didn’t want to. We quarreled in the living room and your brother overheard everything. Not knowing the complete story, your brother grew hatred for your dad. Out of desperation, to resolve this heavy debt, I ended up sleeping with your dad’s friend…’
Mum couldn’t continue anymore; her words with choking as she was raining tears. Upon revelation, I felt the immerse stab of pain as I shook my head in disbelief. Then, for the first time in my life, we huddled and cry together as mother and daughter.
‘Dad went hysterical when he found out; I don’t blame him for venting his frustration and anger on over these years. He probably thought that I was cheap and stupid, that’s why I will never leave him even if he abuse me.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me beforehand?’
‘Ivy… do you think that mum is cheap?’
I did not know what to reply; I just shook my head profusely.
‘No matter what happens, you will always be my mum…’
Over the years, I gradually realized that his appearance in my life stirred a human revolution; I quit smoking, never fought again, cut ties with my former gang mates and currently saving up for my diploma. Boss has also promoted me to a store supervisor and has also since raised my pay.
From an ah lian, I grew up to be a lady. And whenever I recalled about my childish past, I despised and hated those chapters of my life. I have always deemed the period as ‘before maturity’…Or at least, that was how it appeared to me so.
There was once when I flipped through the papers and I saw a news article about Chanel being sent to jail. She was caught rioting again, but this time, the tentacles of law have caught up with her. At that moment, I truly felt blessed because albeit I had a havoc past, fortunately, I didn’t end like her.
If my past was a blemish; knowing Rick is probably the most beautiful part of my blemish. Perhaps love can indeed transform what’s unloving about us and our life into something dazzling - appearing like the only candlelight in midst of some engulfing, horrifying darkness.
I know this theory for sure as he is the only memory worth keeping during the bleakest moment of my life.
I reached for my amulet and smiled to myself – and I know there is more love than gratitude in my thoughts.
(The end)
* Names have been changed to protect identity
Chapter 1
It’s another typical day. So awfully insipid and uneventful that it almost became like a replica of yesterday. School was dead boring and nothing within the boundary of school seemed to interest me. I lit my Marlboro cigarette in one secluded school toilet and quickly puff the stick away before discovery.
I was an ah lian, joined some small time street gang and left, but still wrongfully labeled as a potential delinquent by my form teacher, Mrs. Seow. But as far as I am concerned, she is just being plain bias towards me. I dreaded attending her class and it tormented me as much as it did for her. Apart from being just as drudging as everything else in school, she has a knack of making me drowsy during lesson. Because of that, I dozed off several occasions because my eyelid refused to heed to my mental command of keeping it wide open. She said that I was disrespectful and the worst caliber of students she ever taught.
Well, who cares?
Although schooling, I am already encumbering my own financial responsibility at the age of fifteen. I had to work to pay for my school fee, educational needs and meal allowance. I remembered there was once I refused to purchase text books because I see no point in buying something I have no use for. I preferred to study my subject using notes and that notion almost got me into a heated argument with her.
‘You are incorrigible!’
Well, who cares? She never understands anyway.
The only moment I truly cherish is the time after school. Nope, it has nothing to do with CCA (in fact, I don’t have any CCA to speak of as well. No time for MOE’s gimmick of making sure that students spent their time adequately and ‘constructively) - it’s when I start work. Albeit the pay isn’t anything fantastic, the money is enough to get my life going. And more importantly, I can leave the perimeter of the school and that kept me sane for the rest of the day.
I was planning to conclude my shop for the day, but Rick is still lurking around, gazing at our collection of Bear Bricks – a series of collectable toys that could fetch some good money in the collectors’ market, if anyone has gotten their hands on some of those limited ones. Also, it depends on the size of it – 100% refers to the standard size, followed by 400% (four times the size of the ordinary version) and 1000% (ten times).
‘How much for the 100% Kaws Bearbrick?’
‘Sorry Rick… that’s not for sale…’
‘Wah… then why are displaying it when you have no intention to sell it?’
‘You how it works, you got to ask my boss about this…’
Rick sighed. This chap, standing seven feet tall and probably the same age as me, had the mien of some rich man son and I am probably right: the clothes and shoes he wore were of underground labels and that alone revealed almost one thousand worth in retail value. Of course, beyond those exquisite brands, he had deep sunken eyes with speaks. He had fair complexion – probably not the very sporty sort of guy. His deliberately-kept fringe swept over his forehead, with threads of copper-brown hair rested neatly on his eyebrow.
And Rick is a regular customer of mine.
He was here three nights ago and spent two hundred over bucks on those Bear Bricks. I thought that was madness. Two hundreds over bucks for those little toys? It could probably sustain my living for two to three weeks! My goodness. It’s crazy, knowing how people splurged their money.
Rick stood on akimbo while his gaze remained affixed on the 100% Kaws figurine, looking rather disappointed. That demeanor reminded me so much an image of a little boy, refusing to leave sight of his ‘toy’ – even when mummy says no.
‘Hey Rick, we are closing, but I got some good news for you: few days later, we are importing 1000% ‘Mastermind’ Bear Brick. If you are really interested, you can pop by and reserve your set with down a payment.’
‘I can pay now actually…’
‘But my boss strictly mentioned that we can only accept reservation and payment on that day to ensure fairness.’
‘Come on Ivy… it’s not that you don’t know me. Being your loyal and regular customer, I should have at least some perks?’
I leaned over and whispered into his ears.
‘Ok la, I will guarantee one place for you. Drop by one day earlier - leave your particulars down, so I can fill in for you when the reservation is open for public.’
Chapter 2
My blank mind grew ponderous, like a sinking ship struck by a torpedo, with every inch closer back home. I deliberately slowed my pace, deluding myself in that sense that I wouldn’t reach home so quickly. But how long can one stall time for a destination only a couple of minutes distance from the MRT station? Although a day of hard work can tired one easily, such fatigue is nothing compared to that of an emotional version. I would rather be shagged out physically, than to be gelded unscrupulously by my twisted life, threatening to suck every mote of essence in me.
I abhorred that feeling.
The moment I pushed the door open, a pair of hostile eyes was staring at me. It was dad, grasping a can of Tiger beer in his right hand and a remote controller on the other. Streaks of the gold liquid burst above the beer can like a geyser as dad tightened his hands around the can, demonstrating his usual annoyance.
‘Why you home so late?’
‘I had to study…’
I didn’t even looked at him in the eye (I never wanted to), but I could sense his eyes trailing me with suspicion.
‘STUDY? SO LONG? STUDY SO LONG ALSO FAIL! STUDY FOR WHAT? GO WORK LA’
My room door shut abruptly behind me and unfortunately, just enough to catch his last statement.
I ditched my bag on my marble flooring and hurled myself onto the bed. For the past one year, it was toilsome trying to hide my employment away from my ever prying-dad. Not that he would yell at me for working; on the contrary, he would be delighted about the extra stream of income, so that he could kindly extort it from me.
I used to envy other people’s father, on being a positive role model and showering their kids with plethora of love and money. I never knew how it felt in that sense – a loving dad being a loving dad. Mine is the classic abusive dad that squandered the family resources and created domestic tragedy. My brother stormed out of home and never returned ever since he had an intense argument with dad, followed by few exchanged of fists. Dad fractured his arm during the confrontation and almost went to the police in rage to report his own son. If not for mum’s teary intervention, this case would probably hit front page of The Newpaper, having the unfortunate opportunity of wishing our dirty linen in public.
Then a sharp shriek echoed audibly outside my room. I cuddled my piglet bolster and pulled my blanket nearer to my painful ears, trying my best not to be bothered by what’s going on outside the peaceful perimeter in my room. I wouldn’t wish to trade the serenity I am enjoying within the boundary of this room to resolve the impossible out in that ‘battlefield’. It wouldn’t be too difficult to guess what dad was doing – boisterously trying to demand money from mum again. Mum would be pleading him (sometimes on her injured knees) not to take those valuables and waste a visit to some of these drabs down at the Geylang whorehouse.
Both brother and I did, innumerous attempt, to persuade mum to leave that useless man I called Father, but her weak archetype personality and that conventional (read stupid) mindset prevented her from registering those words of wisdom into a possible option. She is the kind of woman man loved to abuse, or rather, the kind of woman which will attract abusively mate and would foolishly continue to accept her cursed destiny of being abused until the day she pass on.
The entire house rumbled for a moment as dad slammed the main door, following by gradually fading of footfall.
I shut my eyes and coerced myself to sleep.
Chapter 3
School bell went into orgasmic mode; school was over. However, I had to stay behind for some mundane humanities project. I had already informed boss about working later and fortunately, he is very understanding.
It was pair work and I had conveniently opted for the girl sitting next to me: Jane, the most civil minded, going-by-the-book girl I have ever knew in my life. She is a prefect and we were classmates for almost four years. Initially, she reckoned that I was some notorious ah lian, and fettered herself from any interaction with me. It was only until last year, she got herself entangled with some self proclaimed ah lians by booking them and I got her out of the hot soup, literally.
I took down the leader of the pack single-handedly and came out of that brawl almost unscathed. The gang leader, Chanel, challenged me to a one-on-one fight at the nearest staircase and I obliged. The next moment? She was lying on the floor and crying, asking that I stop pounding on her. They were a bunch of girl bullies that thrived on intimidating the weak and I have always hated them to my guts. Jane was the catalysis for me to act and it wasn’t because I was heroic - I just wanted to teach them a good lesson.
From then, we became good friends. Her dad is a wealthy business man and more importantly, she was the teachers’ pet. My background was totally opposite of her and, I was the teacher’s nightmare.
What an irony! But the camaraderie turned out to be incredible.
Chanel and her cronies marched along the corridor, peering into my class, often trying to seize any opportunities to screw me up. Sadly for her, I don’t go for recess, preferring to stay in class to recuperate from academic torture. In that sense, Chanel was never able to sabotage me, during break, without me knowing.
Regardless, I am leaving this damned school soon. Once I completed my ‘O’ levels, all these trashes in my life will vanish simultaneously and I am looking forward to that.
I felt daggers staring and when I turned around to catch those stares, Chanel and her cronies would then put their gaze away from me, childishly pretending to adore the great sky, while disingenuously commenting about the recent vagary weather. Usually it doesn’t bother me, but there was once I was having PMS and she did just that. I followed her to the toilet and inflicted bleeding lips and gums upon her before stepping out of the ladies.
Ironically, because of ‘face’ issue, she would rather die than to report such matters to the teachers. Words will get around easily and eventually the world would know; Chanel would rather suicide than to allow herself such ignominy.
I am not someone to be trifled with. My burgeoning years has taught me the theory behind survival of the fittest and this basic instinct kept me alive and protected all these years. Perhaps that’s why I always have this subconscious maternal instinct to protect the people worthy in my life and to fight aggressively to those who tried to bring harm upon them.
‘When is your chauffeur coming?’
‘Soon I guess. Anyway, we only have that bit left to do, I will finish it up for you,’ replied Jane as she began to pack her bag, ‘you want me to give you a ride to your work place?’
I nodded gratefully.
Transportation by her chauffeur is nothing but a swift ride down town; soon after, I reached
I saw Alvin, my colleague, standing near the entrance of my store, probably waiting for my arrival.
‘Hey sorry man!’
‘Don’t have to apologize to me… apologize to him instead…’
My eyes followed where Alvin was pointing and my sight ended up at somebody familiar – Rick.
‘Rick has been waiting for more than two hours. I don’t know what business you had with him, but I think you have asked him to pop by…’
Whoops! My memories have failed me this time; I recalled asking Rick to drop by a day earlier to pass me the cash and I have forgotten clean about it. Then I saw Rick at one corner of my store, his visage filled with sarcastic expression, as he fiddled with his grindstone (or diamonds, who knows?) studded watch, subtly trying to remind me about the time now.
I grabbed Rick by his arms and pulled him out of the store as I stick out my apologetic tongue.
Then I turned over to Alvin.
‘I will go out for a quick lunch! Be back soon!’
And I closed the one-sided conversation with a wink.
Chapter 4
‘Pai seh ar…’
‘No worries; I am not angry or what. I was just pulling your legs just now,’ said Rick heartily, ‘Have you eaten? I know I haven’t.’
I shook my head gently and rubbed my tummy. My goodness, I never realized how famished my stomach felt. Before my lips could agree, I gazed at Rick with an appraising eye.
‘I thought we are just a ‘customer’ and ‘retailer’ relationship? What’s with ‘lunch’?’
‘Don’t be silly; I have always regarded you as a friend working in Action City.’
To my surprise, his right hand went above my head and patted it twice, before flashing two rows of insanely white teeth for a second.
‘It’s your treat!’ yelled Rick as he exited through the automatic doors of Heeren.
I pouted and quietly followed behind him.
‘Wah rao eh! Pat my head for what? Stupid guy…gonna throw rock at him.’
Observing the direction Rick is heading; I reckoned late lunch is likely to be at Cineleisure’s Food Court. Great because I can only afford budget meal right now as I need to scrimp every cent possible. To be honest, I am actually contemplating on staying alone to escape this wretched home of mine, devoid of any warmth. And obviously, that would require some form of financial ability before I could strike out myself.
When will that be? I truly wondered.
Sigh.
‘What you want to eat? I will buy the same as you.’
Rick sheared my flow of thoughts. I stared at his face blankly, trying to recall my thoughts back from Pluto.
‘Err… help me buy Ban Mian? Here’s ten bucks…’
‘It’s ok my dear; this will be my treat…’
‘How can? It was my fault leh!’
‘Don’t worry; you can always treat me another day.’
I exuded one of my most feminine-mixed-alluring smile ever. Rick reciprocated likewise before he vanished into the short queue. Women are indeed the greater evil of the two sexes; they know they can afford to make mistakes and still get away with it easily. I would readily admit; I have occasionally known to take a little advantage from this. Hiak!
Still, I am not that evil; I will treat him another day.
I lifted my gaze at Rick from afar as he returned shortly with two piping hot Ban Mian. Top: Agnes B signature Tee. Bottom: Guess denim jeans. Shoes: Visvim shoes. I am beginning to suspect that his wardrobe doesn’t have anything belonging to that of ‘lesser’ brands.
Then curiosity got better of me.
‘How much pocket money do you get Rick?’
‘About $800 per month? Why?’
‘That’s close to the amount I am paid from working!’
‘You may think that I am crazy, but I think working is quite fun. At least from the way I see it.’
‘Fun? Why not you try working and studying at the same time?’
‘My parents disapprove it; I have asked before.’
Our conversation flowed with surprising ease and I discovered much about this guy, whom I previously only perceived him as my regular customer. Rick came from yet another wealthy family (gosh, everyone seemed to have good family background apart from me!) and studied in ACJC. He will probably be going overseas to pursue his bachelor degree as his dad has pretty much planned his future… the path to be a doctor.
‘Wow… I cannot even imagine me getting good scores for my ‘O’ level and somebody here is already a potential-future doctor to be.’
‘Well, but that doesn’t say anything about happiness you know,’ mused Rick.
It was said in a deliberate softer tone, but I heard every single bit of it. Then I noticed a slight change in his demeanor, as if his thoughts leaped miles away and he had transitorily forgotten about my presence, revealing an unconscious true self of ten odd seconds – something that I have never seen in his skin before.
‘Eh… you ok?’
Rick curled his lips to a faint smile.
Chapter 5
I walked home alone; dreaded the feeling of coming back.
I hit the lift button and the door screeched open in protest, as a piece of real estate advertising pamphlet got itself wedged strategically in a small opening beneath the door. Obviously some mischievous kid probably got cheeky and decided to slot that spam mail into the opening.
And the culprit is likely to be from the household at sixth floor, because nobody else in the right frame of mind would do something like this. Once I caught the kid trying to burn the tail of a stray cat and sternly admonished him about his plain cruelty to the feline. To my disbelief and horror, his mum rushed over and yelled at me. I tried to reason with her, but she kept retaliating with screams of banshee.
Spare the rod, spoilt the child. If that was my kid, I would have slapped him senseless, so as to inculcate and teach him correct values about life, before he becomes wayward and ill-disciplined.
Praised the lord! Dad wasn’t home, although the house is in quite a bit of a mess – it’s the norm though. Dad had to flip through every corner of the house searching for hidden cache of money. Fortunately, I always kept my room locked, with only me having access to my own room. Fought with dad over this issue a million times and he finally succumbed to the fact that he will never be able to plunder my room without me murdering him outrageously. Anyway, even if he somehow managed to enter, there’s nothing valuable for him to loot literally.
Then my phone vibrated for a moment – there was an SMS.
‘Hey, Rick here. I am somewhere near the vicinity of your house. Wanna come down for a drink?
Although tomorrow is Saturday, I am actually quite drained from today’s work and travelling. Not wanting to appear like a disinterested prick, I decided to reply him tomorrow morning, citing the convenient lie that I was already sleeping.
At this moment, my nightmare returned; daddy was back and it was blatant that he was inebriated with booze as he was unable to conceal his drunken mirth. The horrible stench of alcohol and puke beset him and he wavered in his footstep, trying to make his way forward. In that instant, he reminded me so much of a zombie from Resident Evil and I chuckled at the thought of it.
Dad squinted at me, trying to figure out who the hell I was. In that blur state of mind, he started muttering incongruously as his index finger pointed straight at me.
Then somehow, from his gamut of dramatic emotions, his temperament started to vacillate to the other end.
‘You…and…your…mother the same… CCB! HIDE THE FUCKING MONEY EVERYWHERE…’
I decided to give him a wide berth – but before I could even enter my room, he was there, trying to act as a barrier between me and my safe haven.
‘And where’s your mother huh? That bitch!’
My phone vibrated, yet another SMS again.
I dashed out of my house without a second thought.
Chapter 6
I am feeling weary from all the constant chaos and commotion going on in my house. It really desecrated my well being and health from all the clashes I had with people I called parents.
‘Lucky thing you SMS me, if not, I won’t know what to do man.’
Unconsciously, a crystal tear slipped out of my control and tracked nonchalantly down my cheek. In nick of time, Rick’s hand caught the watery droplet and courteously wiped it off with a piece of Scott tissue. Then he put his arms on my petite shoulder and squeezing it gently like a soft cushion.
Rick came near my area as he was on his way to his buddy’s house. Probably to check out where I stay exactly as I casually revealed to him my address during lunch, being part of a typical conversation. It was beyond my calculation that he actually bother to pay me visit, although that was indeed a blessing in disguise given the circumstance earlier on. He parked his car just below my flat and we were inside, chatting and listening to some modern-infused-classical music that was lingering subtly in the background.
‘This piece is called Toccate and Fugue.’
I merely smile at his reply. An ah lian like myself wouldn’t listen to such genre of music, albeit I thought the piece was beautiful.
‘Life is just that; we can’t choose the way things are given to us, but certainly, we can choose what we want things to be in the future.’
‘That’s easy to say,’ I mused, ‘…but difficult to achieve’.
‘Well, if you believe in it, it might just work out for you?’ encouraged Rick.
Rick then stretched forward and tapped the windscreen with his index finger a couple of times. Apparently, he seemed to be pointing towards the starless night sky.
You should always aim for the Moon and even if you fail to reach, at least you will hit the clouds.’
‘You are thinking that it’s possible because you don’t understand how it’s like to be in a wretched family. I don’t suppose you even know how it feels to maintain your personal upkeep or to pay your own bills?’
Rick did not anticipate this and I could see he was taken aback by my somewhat-provocative statement.
‘I am sorry.’
Rick shrugged his shoulders slightly.
‘Well, I guess you are right. I have not even paid any bills in my life. I guess even though I am two years older, you probably had more deals in life than I do.’
My mind started wandering after his reply; I was reckoning if it was indeed better, ultimately, to be in his situation. I mean coming from a sheltered environment is one that people would envy for sure, but in growth, I am not too sure about that. Put me alone in a no man’s land and I would still be able to survive, but I won’t say for certain if it was Rick.
‘You may think I am rich; but hell, my friends are worst.’
‘Why am I not surprised?’ I murmured.
A series of honking, coming from an approaching BMW, shattered the gentle ambience and diverted our attention. The BMW then park itself by the side of the road and its owner began to walk towards our direction.
‘Well, my friend is finally here!’
‘Ok, I guess, I shall not hold you longer. It has almost been an hour and the half since you came.’
‘No issue my friend,’ replied Rick gentlemanly.
‘Thanks…I appreciated it. Officially… I declare that we are now friends.’
‘What? You mean only now?’
‘Hahaha!’
Chapter 6 (Part II)
‘Wow!’ exclaimed Alex, ‘that’s quite a babe man…’
Rick blinked in tacit agreement as he gradually watched Ivy faded out of sight.
‘But too bad… she looks kinda ah lian to me. Where’s she from?’
‘She’s taking her ‘O’ level this year; some neighborhood school.’
‘OMG! Since when are you interested in ah lian?’
Rick faked a punch towards Alex in reprisal to his remark.
‘She’s just a friend.’
Chapter 7
It has been months since we have knew each other. Rick would occasionally drop by my store and proposed dinner dates, provided I wasn’t too busy with work. Juggling school work and a job has never been easy; I recalled during my aberrant years, I would probably be exhausting precious time away with bunch of other delinquents: chit chatting at the kopitiam, feeding tokens at the arcade, getting into girl fights, engaging in underage drinking and all other illicit activities that literally wasted myself away. Ok, I admit I am still smoking though, but has participated a lot less in those stuff.
Although I still do not have a pristine view of my future, nevertheless, my first priority is to gain independence and move out of my desolate household.
‘I realized that you are much tamer now,’ piped Alvin.
‘Really?’
‘I used to think that you are quite fierce, especially when you don’t smile. At least now you are smiling more.’
We discover something new about ourselves everyday; I cannot help but to concur with his deduction. I do have that murderous look when I appeared serious or simply putting on a look without smiles. Alvin used to tell me that was how I subconsciously deterred men from approaching me.
‘So did it deter you from talking to me?’ I asked haughtily.
‘Sorry, but I have thick skin.’
I rolled my eyes and Alvin ended up laughing.
‘But I think you are getting pretty close to Rick,’ observed Alvin, ‘maybe that’s why.’
‘That’s why what?’
Before I could comprehend his insinuation, my phone rung at the moment - it was a message from Rick and he says he will be my driver for today. Yay!
Rick has recently signed up for a Fitness First gym package and they have a branch in Paragon. During one of our many conversations, I jokingly implored him to be my chauffeur if he is going back home after gym around the time I closed my store. To my surprise, he hooked my pinky with his and nodded in tacit agreement.
I bid Alvin a hasty farewell and hurried my way down.
In less than a minute, his car arrived and I eagerly hopped in.
“Woo, your fast!’
‘You’re not too bad yourself.’
I lifted my hands to hide my smirk.
There has never been a better time for me to revel in the cadence of wondrous music after a day of hard work. My tired eyes were hypnotized by the soothing rhythm to rest for a moment and although there were silence; it was a comfortable silence. This was precisely why I love being around Rick - no pressure or a need to mask my real identity.
I always believe that at times, a woman needs to feel like a woman.
‘See? I am honest; if I am around the vicinity at this time after my gym session, I will fetch you,’ said Rick, breaking the comfortable silence.
‘Ok la… I am very gan dong (touched). Is that enough?’
‘No… HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! You owe me something now!’
‘What you want me to do?’
‘Tell you next time,’ said Rick friskily as maneuvered his car into the carpark where my flat is and stopped at the side most convenient for me, in view of the lift.
‘Then I will give you a down payment first.’
I arched over and hugged him.
‘Er…’
‘HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Now you owe me something instead!’
Without allowing him the chance to complete his sentence, I raced out of the car, flushing with slight redness.
Chapter 8
I couldn’t sleep.
Nope, it has nothing to do with dad. No mosquito bites as well.
Turning and tossing in bed, my mind was far too restless in entertaining fleeting thoughts than to settle into a goodnight sleep. To be honest, that one particular scene of me hugging Rick telecasted about a hundred repetitions inside my mind. I literally spewed profanities at myself, hoping that it would go away. But it never did.
‘What’s wrong with you sia Ivy…? Why are you thinking of Rick?’
Irritated by my wakefulness, I positioned my bolster behind me and sat up. Staring into blank space, I began to recall my initial impression of Rick when I first knew him.
A chuckle seized me during certain climax recall.
My eyes gazed out of my window and regarded the bewitching moon exuding celestial moon rays, partially shrouded by gargantuan mass of crimson clouds, congregating like a bunch of delicious marshmallow. I lifted my hands towards the Moon, as if I could reach it and pretended to grasp it.
‘You should always aim for the Moon and even if you fail to reach, at least you hit will the clouds…’
Sigh.
I realized that I may know the answer to my insomnia, but when I probed a little deeper, I got so afraid of knowing the truth behind this befuddlement that I rather not think about it. Then the unprobed issue simply slipped through unfiltered and choked up my cognitive facility, giving rise to all these random thoughts.
It has been ages since I embraced a guy willingly. Ok – romantically speaking. My first boyfriend lasted less than a week and the most we did was to hold hands. Shortly after, I ditched my second beau because I thought he was different from a typical beng, but I was quite wrong. Then came the third, fourth and fifth, and I cited them to be unsuitable and the relationship too lasted about a week.
In school, I earned quite an infamous reputation of dumping men within a week. There was this silly rumor, saying that if any man could last more than a week with me, we would be together forever.
And yes, that stupid rumor got into many ears and suddenly, I had many suitors. Crap.
But nobody came close to what it did for Rick.
‘Whoops! What are you thinking again man?’ I murmured to myself and initiated my right hand for an involuntarily slap across my face.
Perhaps I am too used being an escapist, avoiding delicate feelings I never wanted to understand. Somehow, before I could sink myself into any relationship, I would be the first to run even before the storm approaches. Or even in clear cerulean sky.
My brother reckoned that I am suffering from inferior complex. I tried asking for explanation and possible solutions, but that’s the zenith of his limited knowledge - he could not comment any further.
‘Maybe I should just be truthful to my own feelings…’
An unheralded SMS came to my phone; I wriggled my fingers to my left, attempting to search for my mobile in darkness.
A smile appeared on my lips as I read the content.
‘Goodnight and sleep tight – your chauffeur Rick.’
I guess I have truly fallen in love.
Chapter 9
Today, I was worked to my bone; I finished some logistic backend work and left the store one and a half hour later. Though it’s claimable monetary-wise, but nevertheless laborious. Alvin urged me to leave earlier, but it’s not my character to leave someone in a lurch with all the burden of work.
In that sense, all is equal when it comes to official work; both man and woman.
I came out of the station and decided to steal a quick puff. None of my immediate family member knew of my smoking habit, but even if they do, actually, it doesn’t really matter. Mum did suspect, but I merely dismissed it as friends’ cigarette smoke tainting the smell of my clothes. The gist of my tales is always about others and my naïve mum always buys my story, no matter how bizarre.
‘POW!’
I was flailed by a wicked force, lost my balance and sending me directly to the floor, chin first. A deep abrasion lined my chin and streaks of bright red blood painted my palm when I touched the wounds.
A maddening rage saturated my mind as I was determined to see who the assailants were. Before I could turned my head around, I felt a kick blow towards my right, followed by several other kicking and stomping in similar fashion. I rolled about in a defensive stance and amid of being battered by a group of approximately six girls, I caught a familiar face among the aggressors.
‘FUCK YOU CHANEL!’
‘Sia lan eh, le zhe bai si liao wa ka li gong…CCB. (Bitch, you are dead shit now. Fuck.)’
I saw Chanel raising a hand signal and the kicking ceased. Before I could recover, Chanel lunged forward and reached for my tresses, yanking it up with all her might. An unspeakable pain coursed through my body as I screamed in utmost pain and her other unfettered hand went across my face in one tight slap. As if possessed by a crazed demon, I threw myself towards her and brought her down together with me. The falling impact, with me above her, literally crushed her breasts and stomach as her eyes widened with the unanticipated sudden throe of pain. I took the opportunity and grabbed two generous handful of her hair and pulled in two separate directions.
Chanel let out a pitch-breaking yelp, mixed with some Hokkien profanities.
Then I felt many pairs of hands on my back, desperately trying to pull me away from Chanel. In midst of that chaotic confrontation, I instinctively executed a deadly elbow-blow to this petite girl on my right and the blow hit squarely into her chest. Then she backed to the nearest wall, with her hands holding tightly to her chest and a face full of agony.
One plus sized girl sunk her fingernails into the skin of my right arm and drew southwards. I tried to fend her off, but her other three friends kept raining blows on me and I had to use my other hand to parry their attacks. Blood was all over my body and as far as I know, those were my own blood.
Chanel got up furiously and launched a foot into my stomach and I literally sprawled to the same wall as petite girl. Then conveniently, petite girl tried to pull my hair, only to be met by my fist smashing into her face. Drops of blood spurted disgusting and I could see her crying as she was completely disabled by me.
As if enraged by my reprisal, the remainders regrouped and assaulted me once again. This time, their hits became more frenzied and I couldn’t retaliate anymore as I was engulfed by the pain of my injuries, helplessly fend off their attacks. Their beating persisted relentlessly and the ordeal seemed like eternity. I almost felt that I could just die instantaneously and today could be the day I meet my maker.
‘OEI!!!!!!!’
It was a familiar voice and the next thing I know, I saw Rick, fighting his way to where I was. I could see from the corner of my injured eyes that he was trying to push the girls away and getting hit by a couple of them as a result.
‘Eh siao lian eh, zarbo sio pa, le chap simi? (Hey kid, girls’ fighting here, what’s your problem?)
Then it dawned on me that there were actually two guys keeping watch. Due to Rick’s timely intervention, the girls stopped their beatings. Peering through my partially covered eyes with blood and sweat, I had the insane urge to hug Rick and cry in his embrace.
But it doesn’t seem to be over yet.
Rick stood in front of me, with his protective arms outstretched.
‘You guys are fucking lawless!’
‘Siao eh, wa ka le ho seh, le ka wa ‘Fuuck’ simi law…wa xiong le si beh tio liao lor…’ (Hey kid, I talk to you nicely and you fucked me back. I think you need to be taught a lesson).
The bald guy who responded to Rick is heavily tattooed, probably signified the street gang he’s from. He towered at an approximate height of 180cm tall and had massive built. He cracked his knuckles and flexed his neck menacingly as he inched maliciously towards Rick, like a tiger advancing towards a wolf.
There’s no way Rick could take him on without certain death.
Inside me of me, I prayed for divine assistance.
Rick stood his ground.
Chapter 10 (Part I)
Rick thudded onto the cement-paved floor, face down. I could see his fingers wriggling weakly, attempting to muster some strength to pick himself up… again. Rick was bleeding from corners of his lips and I could see him grating his teeth in futile fury.
I was physically restrained by three girls, with their hands over my mouth, insofar as to shield my maddening screams from blasting outwardly. I swung my arms randomly and kicked wildly, but was completely defeated in my attempt to rush forth and stop that brute from hurting Rick.
My eyes widened and swelled with tears as I could see the brute curling into a derisive smile, eagerly crushing Rick’s fingers beneath his worn-out Converse shoes like a helpless roach. I tried pleading, but my voice was lost beneath several thick layers of flesh and drops of tears were pressured to gush out of my eyes like a rueful maiden. Rick cried out in pain and his other hand immediately clutched the brute’s ankle, as if trying to push away his leg to release his tortured hand.
‘POLICE COMING!!’
I was freed from ‘imprisonment’ and fell helplessly to the ground. The gang of assailants vanished as soon as they appeared, running helter skelter in separate directions. Crawling pathetically toward Rick, I reached for his uninjured hand and held it to my chest.
Rick didn’t say anything, except to smile faintly. Even in times like this, he is still wearing that cheery façade. His breathing was heavy, although there was some sense of relief in his rhythm.
By stroke of luck and ironically, it was the irritable family from sixth floor whom discovered the commotion and called the police. I saw the pesky kid running towards me, trying to help us up. In that blurry flash, suddenly, pesky kid looked so lovable and affectionate.
‘Oh my goodness, gangsters around our estate? The police better do something about it!’ exclaimed the mother from sixth floor.
Chapter 10 (Part II)
I was in the hospital, still partially dazed from the unfortunate event. My eyes were staring, with no particular focus upon the alabaster-like wall right in front of me. Beside me stood a Filipino nurse attending to my wounds, wrapping and applying whatever necessary on my wounds. Though I felt burning sensation sizzling around my injuries, it’s nothing compared to the anguish of seeing Rick getting hit in attempt to protect me.
‘How’s the other guy?’ I managed to snap from my drifting thoughts and constructed a sentence.
‘I don’t know,’ said the nurse in her Filipino ascent, ‘but he’s over at the other room.’
As I lumbered my way towards the direction pointed by the nurse, my hands were desperately trying to find any form of reachable support to assist me, as the next worst thing that could happen to me is a bad fall and I want to prevent that.
Then I heard some blabbering hostile voice as I turned into the room. I paused by the door – a feisty woman, probably in her forties, was blasting her frustration and anger at a familiar figure.
The figure was Rick.
The woman swung her hands aggressively with every spoken word, completely displeased with the response she gets from Rick. Rick was silent, but his eyes had a defiant spirit, despite the rain of words the lady threw at him - she never did break his composure.
Suddenly, my feet felt ponderous; it seemed hesitated to inch anywhere further.
‘I don’t understand why would you get into a fight like these? Have you been mixing with the wrong company? I know that dad and mum is busy at times, but that doesn’t mean you have the prerogative to act like hooligans and fight like one?’
‘Mum… how many times have I explained that I DID NOT INITIATE THE FIGHT! I saw my friend getting hit by a group of ah lians, obviously I can’t leave her in the lurch right?’
‘You could have called the police – why take matters into your own hands? What if they had weapons with them? Do you know how dangerous that is? What if they hurt you with it? You could have died you know?
Rick folded his arms defensively and lowered his head a little.
‘These gangsters are crazy, they can waste their life fighting because they don’t know what they want to do with their life. Son, THIS IS SINGAPORE! There is simply no room for trash like these. The next moment you will see some of these kids in the Straits Times committing bigger crimes and being a regular patron in jail. I don’t want you to have any connection with such people nor lifestyle. You are a doctor-to-be and these people are going to be laborers, cleaners or end up salvaging drink cans from the trash bins in the future: you are not going to be like them.’
‘Mom, you are not being rational…’
‘Rational? Son, I telling you that your mum is being rational here. And who is this friend you are protecting? And pray tell me how do you know her?
My mind screamed an intuitive warning, but I lagged a second; Rick caught my presence and his eyes softened a little. Sensing the change in his visage, her mum looked over her shoulder and caught me standing by the door before I could escape out of view. Our gaze met and I could literally see her scrutinizing every fabric of my skin and clothing, like how my mum would check the freshness of fish at the wet market.
‘I don’t remember seeing her at church – who is she?’
‘She just a friend’s friend. I knew her from Alvin.’
‘That’s a good attempt at lying son. Have you forgotten that aunty Celine is your mum’s best friend? And no… Alvin do not have such friends.’
Rick’s mum then walked up to me, all the while gazing deep into my eyes. I was rooted at where I was standing, completely immobilized as if I was trapped by some formidable evil magic.
‘Girl… I don’t know how you have gotten to know Rick, but it doesn’t matter actually. You are pretty for a girl of your age, but my son isn’t suitable for you.’
‘MUM! SHE ISN’T MY GIRLFRIEND!’ yelled Rick across the room.
‘Don’t yell son; I know you have better taste than this,’ replied her mum sarcastically, before turning to me, ‘Girl, tell me: what are you doing now?’
‘I am working and studying…taking my ‘Os’’ I murmured.
‘And which school are you studying at, may I know?’
‘*Tian Cai Secondary School...’
*(Upon Yunhaier's careful consideration, actual school have been edited to protect identity and as well as to prevent potential flame war)
‘Pardon my ignorance, I knew not of your school. And working? Why are you working? What are your parents doing?’
I grew extremely uncomfortable with her interrogation because I know her mum is trying to prove a point to her son about a wretched being like myself.
I did not answer her; I just spun around and ran towards the nearest stairs.
Chapter 11
I ran.
I did not halt.
I did not speed.
I just ran and ran… almost into oblivion of my surrounding and background. I whizzed passed countless of people and cars; bypass several weird stares darting into my way and even almost myself into an accident when a motorcycle precariously steered into my path. Fortunately, the driver narrowly missed ramming me down, but then again, even if he did, at that moment, it seriously doesn’t really matter. Or at least that was how I felt so.
I don’t know why I was so overly affected by the dialogue with his mum. Perhaps, her words did revealed certain subconscious self doubts; though I did not agree with her views, yet at the same time, I did not have the space to retort or defend myself. I stood there helplessly and got sheared relentlessly by the truth of her words, enlightening me about the very reality of our society. She didn’t say anything I didn’t understood; in fact every nuance of her sarcasm inevitably exposed a portion of my inferior complex, leaving it vulnerable for any siege attack. Rick’s mum managed to personify every aspect of my unloving life into something so ghastly negative in perception that I realized I cannot withstand seeing a wretched person like myself being around the man I adore.
It was like a street beggar claming that the king was once his best friend – utterly unimaginable.
She wasn’t right, but ironically, she wasn’t wrong as well.
‘Ouch!’
One uncle bumped into me recklessly as he was frantically trying to flag down the fleeting bus; I fell on my bump painfully.
Then I could see the bus driver glancing from the corner of his eyes at him, but he spare little sympathy to stop for this man. Checking the blind spot on his right, the bus driver switched lane and drove away. The uncle gave me an unapologetic look at me, as if I was the reason for his failure to board the bus and that itself ‘even out’ the accident.
Nobody bothered about me; I sat on the ground for almost one full minute, watching several pairs of shoes, slippers and sandals marched passed me. No help… no assistance… no nothing. People probably thought I must be some kind of nutcase and typically preferred to mind their own business.
It finally dawned to me that I can only learn to fend for myself in this acrimonious world where status matters much more than anything else, because nobody will give a damn about your plight if you are just some peasant trying to survive in this world owned by elites or people segmented as part of the upper tier in society.
Even love, which I once held its image so highly, has succumbed to the twisted yardstick of our society.
Or perhaps, I had finally grown up.
And I thought I could love him?
‘What a bizarre thought,’ I said to myself as I recalled my unworthy affection, before getting up.
I saw the uncle lighting up a cigarette and puffing away. Suddenly, I had the urge to smoke as well - this is especially so whenever I experienced a drastic change in mood. Emotional stress never fails to remind me about my cigarette break, but before I reached for my ‘box of comfort’, I saw the same uncle, slipping his left hands in his pocket and fidgeting the content. Drawing out and opening his palm, a deep furrow lined his temple as he examined the coins he retrieved from his pocket. Then his right index finger went over each individual coins, with his lips silently counting them, as if he was making sure that the amount is correct.
I realized I saw a mirror image of myself in that scene - whenever a pretty apparel dazzled me with its beauty and elegance, but hesitated my impulse with its retail price, I will somewhat demonstrate similar behavior – the same flow of calculations, thoughts and action.
I have never seen Rick exhibiting that sort of consideration before. Life to him is about whether he wants it and not whether he can afford it.
Because the latter is never an issue.
Never.
We are such vast world apart; I reckoned the distance between Heaven and Earth might probably seemed nearer.
A drop of tear rolled down from my cheek.
Was I hurt?
Or had I finally see the light?
Chapter 12
I didn’t know how long I had cried the other day; it felt like eternity. The feeling of this gruesome sorrow felt like some deathly furnace that screamed unspeakable pain.
Dad’s temper has gotten worst these days; I deduced that it was due to his reduction in his beer intake. He has been complaining of chest pain and every time when mum tried to sympathize with him, he will make a lousy attempt at extortion again, since there wasn’t any cash lying around for him to fiche. Wonders how stupid can he gets; how much can one pilferage from an environment with limited resources?
If this wasn’t Singapore, it would be so much cheaper to buy a shotgun and shoot him, than to allow this leech to drain us financially and emotionally.
I lifted the curtains aside and stared out at the open window. Today, the night sky certainly looked gloomy.
It was exactly one week since I last saw Rick in the hospital. I recalled mum was so worried when she saw me in wounds and tears, but when I gave her a don’t-show-me-concern look, she kept quiet.
My mum is simply weak beyond imagination – she even feared her children. With zero mote of courage, there’s simply no way she could sign the divorce letter in hoping to escape this hellhole, short of killing herself and gamble a chance to reincarnate in better environment.
Dad often claimed that when mum had me in her wombs, he implored my mum to abort me. It was my brother, nine years my senior, who fought with him to keep me alive. Yes, a nine years old kid telling his dad not to abort his sister away and as a result, getting slapped in his act of honorable defiance.
And it is also the very brother whom disowned his own the family and left without a word or contact.
I closed my eyes and saddened at the thought of this family tragedy. I did not blame him because he already did what he could and it’s time to pursue a life that he needs.
That’s why I told myself, I will never be like my mother. Never! I would rather be self reliant, independent and firm.
‘I am sorry…’ - It was an SMS from Rick and the ring tone broke my chain of thoughts.
I fiddled with my phone, with my thumb brushing gently against the keypad of my phone, wondering how should I reply him. Digesting his words for a moment, a wave of anger coursed through my soul; why is he apologizing?
‘I know you are reading this message…’ – came the second SMS.
‘Can we meet?’ – it was the third.
‘Please Ivy?’ – that was the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth message.
‘I am already at your house downstairs…’
Immediately, I redirected my focus and did a sweeping scan across my car park and a familiar car stood glamorously along the side of the road.
‘I just need ten minutes…’
Chapter 13
I dragged my feet towards the lift and reluctantly hit the ground level button. Every descending level accelerated my pulse proportionately - I could almost feel my heart bashing itself out of my ribcage.
I have so much to tell him, but from where I am positioned, I didn’t know if I should still continue to hang around him or should I just hypnotize myself to move on with life and concentrate on school and work.
And as the lift door screeched opened; I saw him stood just right in front of me.
I did not know why; I rush forth and wrapped myself around him.
From the pugnacious and extremely strong-willed woman, I have transformed into a little girl, completely feeble and vulnerable. Rick compassionately received me; I could hear his gentle breath breezing above me. Then I started weeping a little and I felt the warmth of his hand bringing me closer to his chest, before patting my shoulder a couple of times.
Then, I could feel his same hand at the back of my head, probing through layers of my hair with his fingers, like curious children combing through tall grasses in a game of hide and seek. It felt so comforting that I wished that time could freeze at this moment forever.
‘Why are you crying?’ Rick asked.
‘Why are you apologizing?’ I replied, with the left side of my face buried deep into his embrace, refusing to look up.
We stood there in silence for a good ten minutes. Some people walked pass and I felt the aura of some erratic stares, but all that malicious energy coming from my neighbors’ disapproving stares seemed to deflect away harmlessly.
We had transcended our consciousness out of this world – a world of our own.
Never had I felt so protected and loved.
‘Come…follow me…’ I said, as I grabbed his hands and heeded for the stairs.
We ran steps after steps… level after level and all these while, I grasped tightly onto his hands. I caught his smile every time I turned around to steal a glance at Rick. Somehow, I seemed to run out of breath after the level six (probably because the mucus in my nose is blocking my respiration), while Rick still has cheers on his face.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I want to go to the roof.’
‘Why not we take the lift?’
‘Don’t want!’
‘You are out of breath Ivy,’ said Rick with concerns in his tone.
‘Out of breath? You must be crazy; back then in primary school, I ran for my class.’
‘Oh really?’
‘Ok, let’s play a game; I give you a three second head-start before I start chasing you. If I can catch you before you reach the top level, you are going to owe me another favor.’
Without hesitation, Rick started sprinting along the flight of stairs and seeing how fast he reacted, I started pursing him without the countdown.
‘That’s cheating Ivy!’
‘I don’t care!’
I drew every single ounce of my innate strength and started hounding him like a hunting dog, but Rick’s speed and agility is beyond my animalistic pursue. There was laughter echoing along the stairs, amid several running footfalls, as Rick started taunting me. I was semi-disabled from the humor he cracked, but adamantly, I continued racing after him.
However no matter how fast I ran, the distance never close up. He was too fast for me.
And finally, Rick reached the top first, emerging as champion of our little game.
‘Ok, that was fast. I think we came up faster than the lift.’
Fatigued and slightly disappointed, I grudgingly pointed to the ladder, imbued into the west wall.
‘How come it wasn’t locked?’ asked Rick as he climbed up to the roof cautiously.
I did not answer him; just gave him a smirk.
Chapter 14
The scene from the roof is amazing: Below us, I could see hundreds of brightly lighted homes with people walking passed their windows randomly. And above us were myriad of universal sky jewels, gleaming and sparkling with quiet joy.
I led Rick to a secluded corner, into a small spacing in between the water tanks and there was enough space for two people to sit around comfortably.
Then, I could see imaginary question marks hovering above his head.
‘How did you know this place?’
‘Whenever my dad gets aggressive and threatens to hit me, I would always race along the stairs, go up to the roof and hide in here.’
‘But it’s so dangerous here. Lightning could strike any time.’
‘You know Rick, we are so different,’ I commented causally as I peered through an aperture and reveled in the scenery on the other end, ‘the place you thought as dangerous is in fact my only safe haven in this hellish place’.
Rick paused and considered my words - it was as if he is putting himself in my shoes and thought for a moment.
‘So what do you want to tell me Rick?’ I turned to him and my tone become serious.
‘I am going army real soon...’
‘Yes, you should, it’s about time I guess,’ I murmured.
‘…And after that, I will be leaving for New Zealand to further my studies…’
My heart sank when I heard this; I think Rick sensed my disappointment because I thought I reacted pretty blatantly. Somehow, in his presence, I cannot fetter by emotions because I cannot concealed myself to someone who has seen all gamut of my dramatic emotions.
Someone who have witness it all, albeit he will won’t be able to comprehend.
He eyes started avoiding mine and there was an awkward moment of silence. Tucking my lips inwardly, I tried to shape a smile simultaneously and outstretched my hands.
‘Congratulation, I wish you all the best.’
Rick stared at my hands momentarily, before looking at me. I tilted my heads a little towards my right and raised my brow, tacitly imploring him to reciprocate my wishes. Then he did something completely random; he dig his pockets for something and placed it into my hands.
I opened up my palm and saw an Agnes B dog tag with his name on it.
‘Just in case you forget who I am; this will jog your memory a little.’
Then, I leaned over and kissed his lips.
‘Thanks for everything…really…’ I whispered into his ears as I clutched the gift fondly towards my heart, ‘Do you still remember you owe me one favor?’
‘Quite reluctantly, but yes…’ joked Rick. I could see his face flushing red from my affection.
‘Promise me that the day before you enlist into Army - date me out one last time. I want you to be my boyfriend for a day until midnight.’
Chapter 15
The day has come; I spared all extra effort to doll myself pretty, insofar as I hoped he will remember me in my most gorgeous moments since the day we were friends. Almost two hours on make up, dressing up, touching up and last minutes changes before I was finally satisfied with my final outlook.
I know I am already a pretty thing; just that today, I felt I was at the zenith of my attractive powers.
Rick is so sweet; he sent me a snail mail that arrived yesterday, reminding me about the date today. He composed the letter himself and in the letter, there was this personalized drawing, done by him, of a cartoon representation of me.
I didn’t know if I should laugh at my silly boy.
Checking that dad is still sleeping, I crept out of the house surreptitiously upon Rick’s SMS that he has arrived.
Rick was waiting placidly by his car; as I walked towards him, he gradually revealed a bouquet of flowers behind him – a bunch of white lilies.
‘You know, rose is so passé; so I got for you something else which look just as great.’
I was elated and received the flowers in an unspoken joy. Girls simply loved being showered with love and undivided attention.
I caught Rick gazing at me from the corner of my eyes – at least the time utilized for today’s occasion was indeed well spent.
‘You looked gorgeous today…’
‘Thanks…’
‘So as your boyfriend for the day, shouldn’t you at least kiss me before we leave for dinner?’
Bashfully, I reached over and pecked his cheek.
Rick drove to Intercontinental Hotel; apparently he has made reservation for the Japanese restaurant – KÔ. The ride down was pleasant and we had conversation like the days when he was my customer; it was as if nothing had ever happened.
‘Play that song - Toccate and Fugue. I want to listen… You know it was my first classical piece I heard in your car…’
I could see Rick smiling.
Shortly, we arrived. The Japanese restaurant had great ambience and there wasn’t many people - then I uncovered the reason why when I flipped the menu.
Gosh! The price is insane!
‘Don’t worry about the cost – as your boyfriend for the day, I will take care of everything.’
‘Are you nuts? It’s so expensive here.’
‘We only have four more hours before your favour will cease to take effect; let’s just enjoy ourselves, shall we?’
I began to understand why I had fallen for him; Rick is so natural that he always makes you feel as natural and at ease as he is. Being with him is somewhat like being myself – it’s so rare to be able to know someone who is able to exude such aura that you find so comforting to be around with.
Our conversation continued, added with slight dosage of flirting and flippant remarks, like what you might overhear from a couple revelling in their honeymoon stage.
It was magical.
The food was divine – the good culinary skill contributed only one factor, more importantly, the other factor lies with whom you are dining with. I can safety say the same thing, even if our meal was chicken rice, with a plate of dao gey and a can of coke.
We lingered for hours until the restaurant had to conclude for the day. A quick check on time revealed that we probably only had one and the half hour left.
‘Let’s go somewhere where we can sit around…’ said Rick.
We ended up in Esplanade and sat around the open public area while watching the sea waves washed up the shores. As time advanced nearer to midnight, I actually felt depressed, even just by thinking about it. And when Rick was about to make some lame comments (about this other couple sitting on the other side); I lifted my finger to his lips and hushed him.
‘Let’s keep this final hour to ourselves, ok?’
I lay my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. Albeit time is ticking as per normal, everything felt too fast. A dream; collapsing from the awakening of the night’s rest and emerging as consciousness; does it mean that I will return back to where I first came from?
Chapter 16
My eyes felt wet, although it remained shut. In the lonely darkness, I scouted my way towards his left hands and clasped it.
‘After midnight, all will be ashes to ashes; what about you? Do you even fancy a girl like me?’
Rick had no response.
My eyes twitched intensively and overflowed with doleful fluid.
‘You know, probably, we met at the wrong time…’
‘No, you are wrong,’ I said, struggling to avoid sounding as if I am whimpering, ‘the fact is not about the time - time is pretty much fair to me; it’s about the fact that I will never be able to keep up with you, no matter how much I try to change my destiny.’
‘Why say that?’
‘So many things happened and every incident merely reinforced that fact that we are on two different plane of existence. You talk about aiming for the moon – don’t you understand that some people just can’t be near the moon, even if that’s what the person should do?’
‘A moon is just an analogy…’
‘You remember the day when I chased after you?
Rick nodded instinctively.
‘…No matter how fast I ran, I will never be able to bridge the gap and distance...’
‘It’s only a game!’
‘It’s simply not just a game, you understand? It’s the truth! And the truth is that NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH YOU! Do you NOT understand? There is no way I can be like you… have your life and live the way you live… simply no way…’
All the suppressed emotional grievances poured through my voice like a flash flood, drowning all gaiety of today’s occasion.
‘Then do you love me Rick?’
‘I…’ began Rick, as his voice grew softer with every second of deliberate stalling.
I paused and close my eyes, anticipating Rick’s next reply.
‘…whatever it is… it probably won’t even work out…’ sighed Rick in a resigned tone, ‘…I think you are right…’
Like a crack in the windscreen from a fallen tree rock and like the advert of the anticipated dawn waiting to banish darkness from the face of this world, I felt my world of my delusion coming to an abrupt end; devastation rumbled across the realm, crumbling my illusionary world pieces by pieces.
‘Take back what you had said a while ago; I still have ten minutes before this dream of mine will implode.’
‘Ivy…’
‘Let me do what I want for ten minutes,’ I pleaded, ‘…I promise you once this is over, I will not bother you anymore…’
I reached over and hugged him.
‘Appreciate this beautiful dream…I promise you once I have woke up, I will no longer revert back to the same old me.’
I tightened my embrace a little, as if I could hear the shattering and fiery explosion within my world, perishing from the birth of reality. Falling debris, collapsing edifice and majestic towers – everything is tearing apart upon truth’s invasion.
‘One more minute left… just let me hug you throughout this time ok?’
And soon, my mobile alarm signalled the awakening.
Chapter 17 (Last Chapter)
It was almost three years since I last saw Rick. We never kept in contact because I told myself not to revisit this bitter-sweet chapter of my life. During the final time I saw him - we exchanged each other’s phone and deleted our numbers away mutually and swear never to commit to those digits into memories.
But every time when my mind started wandering restlessly and explored the memories I had with Rick, an uncontrollable urge to cry will seize me. I carried his Agnes B dog tag with me everyday – gradually, it became my amulet. I wore it with me every moment of my life since then, even during bath time.
It was an impossible thing – but the inability to tell him how much he meant to me is utterly tormenting. There wasn’t a time I could say anything – everything has been decided right from the start.
I could only follow how the flow of this plot has been fixed for me; there was no room for negotiation.
No prerogative for that.
Dad passed away from a heart attack. During his final moments, mum was still with him.
I started viewing my mum from very different perspective. Her love for dad was pretty much blinded and dumb, but at the very least, it was very real. Real enough to stand by him and brave through thick and thin.
It was only at his tomb, did mum revealed to story behind dad’s degeneration.
‘Your dad wasn’t like this previously; he lost all his money in business when his friend in China swindled him. Then when he was in great debts, I was expecting you. Daddy suggested aborting the child as he felt that it will burden the family, but my I didn’t want to. We quarreled in the living room and your brother overheard everything. Not knowing the complete story, your brother grew hatred for your dad. Out of desperation, to resolve this heavy debt, I ended up sleeping with your dad’s friend…’
Mum couldn’t continue anymore; her words with choking as she was raining tears. Upon revelation, I felt the immerse stab of pain as I shook my head in disbelief. Then, for the first time in my life, we huddled and cry together as mother and daughter.
‘Dad went hysterical when he found out; I don’t blame him for venting his frustration and anger on over these years. He probably thought that I was cheap and stupid, that’s why I will never leave him even if he abuse me.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me beforehand?’
‘Ivy… do you think that mum is cheap?’
I did not know what to reply; I just shook my head profusely.
‘No matter what happens, you will always be my mum…’
Over the years, I gradually realized that his appearance in my life stirred a human revolution; I quit smoking, never fought again, cut ties with my former gang mates and currently saving up for my diploma. Boss has also promoted me to a store supervisor and has also since raised my pay.
From an ah lian, I grew up to be a lady. And whenever I recalled about my childish past, I despised and hated those chapters of my life. I have always deemed the period as ‘before maturity’…Or at least, that was how it appeared to me so.
There was once when I flipped through the papers and I saw a news article about Chanel being sent to jail. She was caught rioting again, but this time, the tentacles of law have caught up with her. At that moment, I truly felt blessed because albeit I had a havoc past, fortunately, I didn’t end like her.
If my past was a blemish; knowing Rick is probably the most beautiful part of my blemish. Perhaps love can indeed transform what’s unloving about us and our life into something dazzling - appearing like the only candlelight in midst of some engulfing, horrifying darkness.
I know this theory for sure as he is the only memory worth keeping during the bleakest moment of my life.
I reached for my amulet and smiled to myself – and I know there is more love than gratitude in my thoughts.
(The end)
* Names have been changed to protect identity
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