Love story: Dark Clouds

The original story is found here

Chapter I

I don't club often and always find quick excuses to reject invitation from my good friend, Paul. Although we are a world of difference in terms of personality, somehow, we ended up as best of buddy. Our friendship has gone a long way since my Secondary school days and even back then, Paul was a popular figure.

You would find Paul at every happening party in town and everybody knew him. He was the life of the party and his charms were irresistible - both male and female desired to know him.

Female - because he was the boyish cute type of guys that would make all his little girl fans go 'So cute! My baby!'

Male - because he was spotted with all the hot babes and some guys just wants to be seen around him.

Me? A rank above the nerds: your average guy-next door. Nothing spectacular. Nothing interesting. Nothing notable to mention.

I was literally kidnapped by Paul as he shoved me into the cab and locked me down before asking the cab to speed off to Mohammad Sultan.

'Please give me some face ok?' whispered Paul as he released his locking stance, 'I need some moral support, especially when Dawn is around.'

Adjusting my shirt collar, I rolled my eyes, astonishingly.

'Why on Earth do you need me there when you have everybody around you to support physically and me spiritually?'

'What are best friend for? Those people who you deemed as everybody are merely clubbing friends. In time of need - I need you!'

'That's so gay.'

Paul threw a punch right on my arm.

'Come on dude. Drinks on me tonight. Any girl you fancy, just tell me.'

'Don't worry; I don't need any clubbing girls.'

Somehow, I have this perception that girls that were picked up from the bar wouldn't fall under the category of decent. I mean, if they were to be easily picked up by you, left with the you and ended up in bed a little while later¨Cthis has probably happened a thousand times before you bed her. She probably has an entire log book about her sexual ONS (read: One Night Stand) partners and worst still, if she already has a boyfriend or even worst: married. I cannot picture the scene of my reaction if I knew I have been sharing my girlfriend or wife with so many men. It's pure murderous deception.

'We have reached,' said Paul as he paid the driver, ' And my story begins tonight.'

Chapter II

The party was at Milk Bar in Mohammad Sultan and I felt the ground shaking as I approached the Bar; many people swarmed over our direction - greeted, hugged, slap a pat or whatsoever welcoming body-language over our ever-famous Paul. They knew too, that it was his big day, the day if he could have Dawn, this little petite beauty from our course, as his girlfriend.

Paul was a flirty rake, but he was serious about Dawn. Everyone knows that. He spent more than a year trying to chase her and the final conclusion depended on tonight.

'Dawn is inside. Good luck pal. You have until 3 a.m. in the morning.'

'Oh yah, Cloud,' yelled Paul before entering Milk Bar, 'enjoy yourself first, I will join you soon enough.'

Well, like always, I was thrown alone, again. Deep inside, I was praying for Paul, wishing him all the best even though I knew he would be victorious. No woman had ever rejected his love proposal; I guess it would be the same for Dawn.

I already had half the mind to leave Milk Bar. Not because I dislike crowds - in fact I am ok with them. Just that club dancing isn't something that I would fancy. Perhaps I should just settle for some drinks - after all, it's free flow tonight.

'Whisky coke please.'

After about five glasses - I grew a little light-headed throughout this lonely drink session with myself, but this doesn't stop me from noticing this girl sitting beside me. I would have rated her overall appearance at least eight out of ten, but surprisingly, she was alone and nobody came up and chat with her. She was clearly weeping; her eyes were bloodshot and puffy. Maybe someone came up before, but could have failed miserably in his attempt to get her number or worst still, unleashed all her anger and tension in form of verbal trashing at him.

Her fringe was over her face and her top was a little off her shoulder. She looked as if she was in some kind of distress.

'One more...' she slurred unclearly at the bartender.

That triggered my soft side: I had this great urge to stop her from drinking, not because I want to pick her up or what, but because it's dangerous for a girl to be drunk in a bar without friends looking after her. At least I knew I have no ill intention, but I truly doubt others.

I had to do what I had to do.

'Hey, you better stop drinking so much!' I arched over and whispered near her. She lifted her head as if it weighed ten tons and gazed dreamily at me. Then her features came to a complete change.

'Why do you have to bother me since you don't want me?'

Don't want you? It took me six seconds to realise that she may have mistaken me for someone she knew.

'A girl like you shouldn't be drinking so much!'

'Why do you care?' she snapped.

'Well, I am nobody - at least I know all problems in the world could be solved - Drinking only escape reality.'

She looked into my eyes. I felt a wave of energy washing through me; then her tears slipped and I could see a wounded soul.

'Hello girl; we are back.'

Two guys came over behind her and smiled. For a moment, I thought it was her friends, but from the look from their pupils, I knew they were hunting. It was scientifically proven that the pupils will expand when the eyes sees something interesting or captivating. Today, I supported this theory.

'Get lost!' she screamed before grabbing my hands and dashed out of Milk Bar. She nearly fell when she quickened her pace and I had to hold her tight. The music was loud and I couldn't hear anything, but I believed those guys would have curse at me.

Chapter 3

We kept running, or at least I felt that we were running.

We finally came to an empty bus stop, exhausted, and before I could catch my breath: the girl puked.

Disgustingly strange, I thought I smelled Marche. I walked over to her and patted her back gently. She kept puking and I had to wriggle my nose and shift my attention elsewhere.

After the 'Merlion act' - she sat and causally leaned herself on me, with her head on my shoulder. I was praying and hoping that she wouldn't puke on me, if not my mum would kill me if she smelled alcohol.

We remained in our position for ten minutes, but it seemed like eternity. I swear I have never been so close with a girl before. It was extremely scary but the feeling nice beyond words. Although we don't know each other, I felt that I knew her for long. Maybe that's the reason why I had to urge to help her.

'I am sorry mister.' Her weak voice finally spoken.

'Don't worry too much lady. By the way, I didn't mean to take advantage of you or what. I didn't want to disturb you or anything that's why I didn't wake you up or call you and...'

Then, she returned to an upright sitting position and put her finger to my lips as if she was too weak to say anything.

'I know what's going on. I am not drunk.'

Yeah right. A drunkard will never admit that he or she is drunk.

She shaped a small smile.

I saw her first smile; it was incredibly sweet. I cannot imagine what will happen to her if other guys were to successfully pick her up. She would have been ruin and probably regret later on. Fortunately for her, she met a genuine good man (At least I thought I was one).

'You know what? You looked my ex-boyfriend...'

That was so unexpected of her to say that. Oh well, probably that's why she would rather leave with me than the other two guys. After all, I resembled someone familiar and her subconscious would automatically pick me. Maybe because I am your average Joe next door - I seemed too dumb to be dangerous.

'But he left me today and the best thing was: today is also our third year anniversary...'

I nodded my head in disbelieved. A pretty girl like her was dumped? I thought good looking ladies are immune to being dump for life. For that, I was wrong. There must be a serious problem in her relationship.

'It's all about me... all my fault... I haven't been a good girlfriend.'

How on earth can you measure the quality 'Good' ? What it takes to classify ourselves as 'Good' or 'Bad' partners? The comparison basis and yardsticks? Maybe it's not us entirely - it could be the love itself. Lost of feelings over the time could contribute to that.

There was a crude silence before she puked again. I shook my head. Then I took out my phone and there was a message from Paul.

'Muahahahhahahahhahahaha! Sorry pal, you may have to go home yourself tonight. I have succeeded! - Paul'

At least something good happened today. As I was about the reply Paul, the girl snatched my phone away nimbly.

'Hey!'

'Wait wait! I need to call someone.'

I was giving her that 'kind' of look while she winked at me.

'Hello? Ok, bye.'

The call ended within two seconds and that was an utter waste of my phone bill. She was obviously calling someone unimportant or fooling me with a fake caller. But because of that wink, I had to forgive her. Good looking girls have that mystical power to get away with evil deeds with their appearance.

'I think you better go home.'

I flagged down an oncoming cab.

'Why didn't you ask for my number?' said the girl, holding onto the taxi's door.

Actually I wanted to ask for her contact number. She was gorgeous, but because it was the she-is-a-girl-fro

m-clubbing theory that prevented me from asking.

She nodded.

'By the way, my name is Rain.'

What? Her name is Rain? What the hell?

Chapter 4

It has been a week since I last saw Rain. Although it was a mere short encounter with her, she left this silly impression that I never forget. I never told Paul about what took place during his stay inside Milk Bar, but anyway, I don't see a need to tell him, yet.

I was burning midnight oil, rushing to complete my project journal which I am supposed to hand in by tomorrow. Jotting down my last couple of sentences, I was rejoicing when I finally completed the assignment. It was tedious.

I needed a break; I walked into my kitchen and got myself a glass of water.

'Beep' - My mobile phone rang.

'Hi, Steve...Watcha' doing? I cannot sleep... chat with me? - Rain.'

Ok, I admit I was shocked to receive a message from Rain, but who's Steve? Who the hell is Steve? And how on Earth did she get my number? I felt that I was being stalked to a certain degree.

'Hehe...I have my own ways...so sian right? When you want to but can't sleep at night?'

I would have slept three hours ago, if not for my dumb project. Sometimes, I think it's ridiculous; the ones that badly needed rest, don't have time for them, while the ones with abundance full of free time, doesn't want to sleep. My constant lateness has been marked by my tutors in school. I guess it will affect my participation marks - a vicious cycle.

'I can't sleep not because I don't want - my mind forbids me to... =( '

Ok. I was forgetful about the fact that Rain was still on the road to recovery from whatsoever problems she has. Anyway, most girls have this tendency to key in expression-like symbols as part of the message to convey their feelings. Does it help? I don't know. I always believed that problems never vanished into thin air; it's always what we do to the problems that eased the tension within us. Maybe we are like machines, too much heat generated from functions will ruin the entire system.

'Then how do we handle the malfunction?'

Buy new one? If I had the cash, the first thing I would do is to change my computer, get a cable modem and a good-enough printer. My computer model was outdated many times over and I think even the garang guni fellow would roll his eyes in disbelieved.

'If only I could. I don't even have the 'cash'...'

My friend found me a part time job for me in Takashimaya, working at Yakitori - the Japanese snack bar in Food Court. I don't have the cash as well; I can only depend on myself. We are all born penniless; it's our family, our environment and opportunity that made us rich.

We continued chatting on SMS as if it was all planned. Then, I looked at my Casio clock in my room - it was going to be four in the morning. I don't know why I would engage so long a conversation with her, but my fatigue seemed to have disappeared though. I had to bid her farewell in my next message, if not I will be late for tomorrow's tutorial.

'Good night Steve... I mean Cloud¡­ =)'

The Steve business again? I had to sleep ¨C leave the thinking for tomorrow.

Chapter 5

Paul and I bounded the same train for Orchard; he had to meet his darling girlfriend Dawn to catch a movie, while I had to work today. It seemed to me that Paul was living in Heaven since the birth of this relationship; his smiles were frequent and all over his face whenever he received an SMS from Dawn. I felt he looked like an idiot whispering to himself as he replied her message. Love always instigates people to do stupid things.

'Bye and remember to say hi to Dawn for me.'

Without raising his eyes, Paul waved to me and quickly returned to his messaging.

With a sigh, we went on separate ways. I understand that he was going through his honeymoon period - all the lovely dopey stuff was flooding his mind. Maybe I lacked romantic genes in me; I see relationship more than just your sweet little thing. There has to be certain form of stability. I mean, I rather have a smooth relationship than one that appeared to be loving in the beginning and tearful at conclusion. The fluctuation and tides of love could drown me outrageously.

'Damn, I am getting sick of this job...' I thought to myself as I searched the cupboard for my apron and uniform. Without wasting anymore time, I moved to where I was assigned to and began my work.

Throughout my work duration, my mind projected only one image: Rain. I can't comprehend the complication behind the vision but it just came to me naturally. I kept thinking if she would message or call me today. Or worst, none of the above. Though I have her number too, the pride and ego in me refused to dial them. It was always her initiative to contact me during these twenty three days we knew each other.

'I must be thinking too much...'

Suddenly, my mobile phone vibrated inside my left jean's pocket.

A quick check beneath revealed a message from Rain. Ah! Don't tell me she has ESP power and could mind-read me?

'You looked so cute in your blue apron and hat...'

I peeped from where I was squatting and after a hard scan around my environment; I saw this familiar pretty looking face at the extreme left of where I was. Oh no! I shouldn't have told her that I worked here. I looked so dumb in this working attire! There goes my scores in her impression - my take is negative ten.

My heart pounded fiercely against my chest as she winked at me, again. Gathering myself, I smiled back and continued working as if my work was more interesting, even though it sucked. It was the man's instinct to remain calm and still look cool in the presence of a woman that matters to you.

'Cloud, I forgot to tell you; your schedule today is only until eight. You can leave now.' said Kenneth, my colleague, as he tapped my shoulder and broke my concentration. Ok, now I knew what was going on: she must have asked Kenneth about my schedule beforehand, thus her appearance here.

I removed my uniform and apron and walked to where she was.

'Yes my lady?'

'Had your dinner? No? Let's go~!'

I had no opportunity to react at all; Rain grabbed my arm and started running, yet again.

Chapter 6

We arrived at Cineleisure after a causal walk plus a short sprint that died down less than thirty seconds. There must be some kind of explanation to this: we always ran somehow when we meet.

'Where you want to eat? Food court? Ok!'

Like always, my mind was too slow to react. I simply nodded my head.

Choosing an auspicious area, I picked one inconspicuous corner, hoping that I wouldn't meet any familiar faces here. Who knows? I may be a topic for these people to gossip about, especially when I have such a cutie with me. Although this has never happened before, I was overly paranoid. I was conscious about everything from impression to image to long vision of our possible friendship -I had to be paranoid.

'Tell me what you want to eat, I will buy for you.'

'Sian...I think I will eat what you eat...' replied Rain as she hastily glanced through the food stalls from where she was sitting.

Eat what I eat? I have only known her barely less than a month and she became so comfy with me? This could be a good sign... Oh wait; the Clubbing Girl theory still applies. Control... control...

I came back with a huge plate of fried rice from Hans. Actually, I wasn't hungry, but since she made the decision to eat, I just followed suit. I was thinking of sharing the plate of food. After all, food tasted better when you shared them.

'Are you surprised to see me?'

Due to the unpredictability of a woman's intention, motive and desire, I chose not to answer that question. I never understand woman and never will I be able to and things that I do not understand, I will not attempt to unlock the mystery. I would probably perish in the attempt. However, I need a decent reply...

'Yes, but I know why...'

Her eyes widened as if this wasn't the reply she expected.

'Chances are, you are pretty sian today, so you could spare the time to find me mah?'

'Why do you say that?' Rain asked, quite taken aback.

Why do I say that? A pretty girl like her would never find an average guy like me when she really needed someone important. People like me were as if we were the back sitters, you would pick them when the seats in front are fully taken. I had long resigned to fate.

'Firstly I am not pretty wor... so I cannot be classified as a pretty girl. So why can't I find you?'

My mum used to tell me that women who are good with words are cunning and deceptive. Let's hope it's not the case here. Another thing I discovered about women was that when you flattered them about their appearance, they would tell you otherwise. Again, these were some good physical evidences that I should never try to understand women at all.

Our chatting continued as we consumed the giant plate of fried rice gradually. Rain hated pea, so she conveniently scooped them up and placed them in my spoon.

¡®Eat them... don't waste food.¡¯

That's so evil. I hate them too, but I have to eat?

'Yes!'

I remembered Paul said something once: Love is all about compromising. The minute you don't and want to pick a fight out of mundane issue - you know that your love had weakened. It seemed a little true here; if that was my mum forcing me to eat those peas, I would have verbally resisted...

I obliged to her will.

'Cloud, you are so cute... if only... haiz...¡¯

Me cute? That's impossible for me to acknowledge that strange fact. And what's with the sigh?

'It's late Cloud. I have to go off now.'

Time check: it was nine plus. Quite late, considering that I have to wake up early for tomorrow's tutorial. I signalled to her; we grabbed our stuff and left Cineleisure. I have no idea how she was going back, but her direction seemed to be walking towards the MRT station. I was thinking of walking her there before I rushed back home by bus.

'I don't think you are taking train. Its ok, you don't have to send me home. I will go off myself.'

Actually I wasn't thinking of sending; however I pretended that I was disappointed. Then Rain pinched my cheek and giggled.

'Come on...'

I smiled.

Without lingering anymore, she walked towards the station and vanished in less than a minute. I was satisfied though.

Chapter 7

Time passed quickly and I finished my semester. It was holiday period for me until July and while everyone was rejoicing and planning where to go and what to do, I have to stay at home to rest for at least one week because my wind pipe was inflamed due to flu related illness. It was terrible.

Recently, Paul had his first argument with Dawn; it was about his easy behaviour around women in general. Dawn exercised certain amount of control over him and it annoyed Paul, who was so used in his carefree life before he was attached. Paul called me and being his good friend, I listened attentively to his ranting.

'She should have known that I was like that before the relationship... now she is complaining. Ridiculous right? Not as if I like them or what... why can't she just trust me...?'

I listened until he was tired of talking and had to put down the phone. Time check: it was a two hours conversation. Feeling quite drowsy, I sat by the sofa and rested. Maybe I was under the effect of drugs; many thoughts came into my mind. How many times do we know one another completely before leaping into a relationship? Usually no, because we learn as we lead our relationship. There were obvious and sublime personalities or secrets that we chose to show or filter before being together. This was essential because if Paul were seen with all your flaws, Dawn wouldn't have be with him in the first place.

We learn as we grow.

Then how much do I know about Rain? Actually, nothing much. She was so mysterious and I always felt that she has an invisible screen placed in front of her - shielding and protecting her emotional vulnerability and weakness. I respected that though because I know when it was time for me to understand her more, I would.

'Beep' - there was a message.

'So suay! I sprain my ankle!'

It was Rain and fear gripped my heart. I was anxious about what had happened and keyed in furiously into my phone's keypad. Then, I learned that she had slipped and fell yesterday night when she was coming home. The stairs was wet and the sole in her slippers were worn-out - this combination was deadly.

'Think I may die of hunger; my house has nothing but maggi mee!'

What? No one at home to look after her? My soft side got worked up again: I was like a worried dad.

'Where are you staying? Give me your address?'

'Why? Don't tell me you want to come? Don't worry about me lar.'

Still, she gave me her address. I changed, took whatever essential stuff I needed and left the house in a hush. With God's blessing, taxi was instantly available.

'Uncle, this address please... *cough* *cough*'

Chapter 8

I got off the cab and scanned the area around for the nearest Kopitiam. Lucky thing, it was within sight; across the road.

'What should I buy for her?'

'Sian...I think I will eat what you eat...' - I remembered this phrase and smiled. Touching my tummy for a while, I knew what I wanted to buy.

'Uncle ta bao chicken rice. One packets please.'

Double checking my phone, I moved into the direction of her block after purchasing the meal. I took the lift to the seventh floor and turned right. In less than ten seconds, I found her house.

'Eh, I am outside your house now.'

The door opened and a shocked looking Rain stood in front of me.

'I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING!'

Woman should never take man for granted, especially a serious folk like me. Hiak!

'Anyway, it's good that you called; the door bell is spoilt.'

I entered the house and the sight nearly took my life: The hall was barely furnished and had minimal necessity - a mat, a small television and a mini coffee table. The wall was flaking and was in need of serious repainting. It was a sorry sight and I tried my best not to look too awkward.

'Sorry, my house is crap.'

'I disagree; it may be simple, but it's certainly not crap.'

It was a little bleak and I wanted to switch on the lights. Then came my second nightmare: nothing happened.

'The bulb had fused long ago. Don't worry about it - I am used to the dark.'

I never knew the girl I have been chatting with for the past couple of months had such sorry reality. Recovering the mental stun quickly, I handed her the packet of food and we sat down at the kitchen. I could see in her eyes that she was touched by my actions, but trying her best to conceal them.

Now, I felt a duty to look after her.

'Why are you living alone?' I asked, wondering if it was appropriate to ask.

Rain quietly ate her food and she looked as if she was miles away from her thoughts.

Something triggered my hands to move; I put my hands on her wrist and squeezed softly.

'Don't worry. It doesn't matter to me because the way you are, is the Rain I want to know as a good friend, not what you have or what you own.'

Rain continued eating, but I could see her eyes grew a little red. Abruptly and suddenly, she choked and coughed.

'You are such a baby,' I said while patting her back, 'let me get you a glass of water.'

Quickly I poured her some water and she drank them carefully.

'Aiya, let me feed you lar,' I whispered as my fatherly instinct came onto me.

Chapter 9

Everyday without fail, I would buy or prepared the three essential meals for Rain because of her lack of mobility. I also changed the light bulbs, fixed the door bell, cleaned up the house, boiled water, put posters to cover the unsightly part of the wall and every little small thingy I could think of and do to improve the overall quality in staying there.

I was her good friend, her maid, her dad, her mum, her companion... everything that I could play as a role.

As I took the bus down to her house, I recalled Rain's sad family tale: Her dad passed away four years back and her mum had a boyfriend that hated her. So they put Rain in this house, paid all the maintenance, pocket money and other essential payment every month and washed their hands off her daily life. Rain hated that kind of life and didn't use much of their money to upkeep her daily expenses - instead she worked as a waitress in a nearby restaurant and used that money instead. She was fired the day she sprained her ankle because she argued with one of the customer and the manager was enraged.

So meanwhile, I had to make sure she lived a decent, reasonable life. I requested more working days from my boss and even set aside portions of my salary for her. Though it was not much, but it should be enough for the month.

She gave me her house key because it was inconvenient for her to open the door since I am coming here for almost two weeks already. Like always, I would attempt to open the door secretly and surprised her with my arrival (Although it's kinda stupid because I am here everyday)

'Tata! I am here, yet again.'

A startled Rain quickly ceased typing her keyboard and moved her mouse. Clicking it twice before she switched off her monitor.

'Oh... you are so early today.'

Rain's behaviour always appeared eccentric and weird when she used the computer. Although I tried to sneak quietly into the house, if it was me, I would have known that someone was coming. Obviously her thoughts was somewhere in Pluto and couldn't return in time to realise that.

Today, Rain seemed a little moody today. She was quiet and her eyes were darted everywhere as we chatted, as if there was something important for her to think about. The good old me contributed that to possible PMS - after all, it could have been since it was near the end of the month.

'Cloud... my ankles feels ok now. Tomorrow, you don't have to come over anymore...¡¯

I was silent. It must have been my continuous presence that could have annoyed her.

'No, no... don't get me wrong. I don't want to trouble you anymore. I am feeling so guilty since the day you came over...¡¯

Actually, I felt happy doing something like that. The intangible happiness of helping someone was wholesomely satisfying. Then again, was it pure voluntary intention from a good friend or was it something else?

Rain stood up effortlessly and walked a few rounds.

'See! I am well now.'

Our conversation was superficially short today. When I took my bag and checked the time, it was the earliest I ever left her house since day one. Rain smiled and bid me goodbye, I could sensed that she wanted to do her stuff privately and I would be a hindrance to her.

As I walked to my bus stop, the sky rumbled and roared. Dark clouds gathered and small drop of rain fell on my clothes.

'Raining?'

Chapter 10

It has been sometime since I last saw Rain. I knew something had happened but I didn't call or ask her. I believed in personal privacy and if she was comfortable enough to tell me, she would have.

Her calls and SMS were getting lesser each day, but the Leo's pride in me refused to dial that number.

'Boy ar, getting late ar! Better go sleep!' yelled Mummy.

I couldn't and wouldn't fall asleep. What's wrong with me? I am so bothered about what had gone wrong here, but gave excuses to prevent me from making the call? This was getting nowhere; I had to remove that pride in me and start making my first call to Rain - the rare attempts in life.

'Call her you dump ass! Don't you want to know what could have happened the past few weeks?'

'Don't! She may not be in trouble - she may need to be with herself for the moment. After all, who are you to her?'

'Stupid! What's wrong with a simple call from a good friend? You can treat it as if you are chatting with her. Ah! Sian right? Call lar!'

'Hmm... sounds like a good idea,' I thought to myself after going through a series of thoughts elimination in my mind. Mustering all available courage, I took a deep breath and took out of my phone.

'Hello?' I whispered softly into my phone, 'Rain?'

There was a complete silence.

'Are you ok?'

The silence continued.

Suddenly, the call ended. I held onto the phone, with the ending tone kept playing in my right ear - I totally lost about what was going on. I swear that it was Rain on the other line and she was crying because in the midst of silence, I heard weeping. The silence at her side was sorrowful and there was an unexplained strong tension. I truly needed some answers.

'Beep' - there was a message and it was from Rain.

'Meet me near my house tomorrow night.'

I bit my lips.

Chapter 11

I was twenty minutes early.

We planned to meet at the coffee shop at eight o’clock sharp, but I couldn’t wait until that time; I was not only anxious to learn about what could have happened to her and was extremely worried. Maybe there was serious family trouble? Her mum boyfriend? There were too many question marks appearing in my head and I had to solve them.

Rain was early too - she was wearing the same top I met her at Milk Bar, with the exception that she was wearing skirts instead of jeans. It has been only a few weeks and I could see her face losing the usual radiant glow that flickered around her, like an aura.

Rain moved towards where I was and sat the seat in front of me. Then she handed me a letter. I was surprised.

‘Don’t read until I have gone home… Promise?’

I nodded my head.

Then she reached and held my hands. The feeling was like Nokia phone charging battery - I was energised and rejuvenated. I held tightly in return, as if I was telling her ‘It’s ok, I am here for you.’

‘Have you fallen for me?’

This question came too fast; I wasn’t prepared at all. I simply avoided her strong gaze and cracked my head for a reply. My brain was choking - nothing came out, but nothing could enter as well. It was quite an embarrassing silence on my part. The conflicts came from my heart, where my feelings for her residue and grew unconsciously. And my mind - where it kept warning me about the Clubbing-Girl- Theory. Actually, I don’t see her as a clubbing girl: Her down-to-earth, cute personality and sweet looks were heavenly combination that dismissed that notion.

Plus the fact that Rain was very much different.

‘I guess maybe not…’ Rain sighed, but looked a little relieved.

‘I…I…’

‘Cloud, I want to play the swings. Follow me for a while ok?’

I had no chance to reply. We left the Coffee Shop soon and found a playground with swings.

‘It’s very difficult to find swings in Singapore these days…’

I agreed with Rain. The government are so paranoid about little children flying off the seats and chose to remove them. The sad thing about playgrounds in Singapore these days is that they don’t look like playgrounds. Have we all been so sheltered that we failed to realise that injuries are part and process of growing up? Like love, we grew from heartaches and it’s true that it made us stronger emotionally and matured spiritually.

‘You have been a real good friend, Cloud… how I wished it could remain in this way forever…’

In my heart, I was suffocating because my bottled feelings cannot be released - the pressure was deathly. I was happy that she saw me as a very good friend. Was it enough? I thought it should be. After all, who am I to her?

Then she came over and hugged me. I held her tightly. I don’t know why - I just didn’t want to let her go. She must have suffered a lot these days and actions speak louder than words; I want to be there for her. I want to show her that her burden will be lifted and it wouldn’t be so heavy anymore. I want to dry her tears, I want to smooth out her problems, I want to assist along the way… there were simply too much things I wanted to do.

My soul connects with Rain. In this very moment, I knew I loved her.

‘I got to go now…’

I tightened my grip on Rain - I could see her eyes smiling. Then she placed a small kiss on my cheek.

‘Let me go…’

It was only then, I released her.

‘Don’t send me up… I will walk up myself…’

I respected her wishes and stood there until Rain vanished from sight.

Chapter 12

It was getting late and the weather hasn’t been very good. I grabbed a cab quickly before I was almost drenched by the coming downpour.

‘Serangoon Central?’ the taxi driver asked.

I was puzzled; how did he know?

‘I remembered I send you here before,’ laughed the taxi driver, ‘and you are wearing the same clothing.’

I wasn’t bothered - my mind was blank. I only wanted to read the letter she gave me.

***

Dear Cloud,

I didn’t know where to start and almost didn’t write this letter. It was your call yesterday that moved me. I feel that you have the right to know more about me and through this letter; things will be much clearer.

I have a boyfriend named Steve and we were having a long distance relationship. There are parental objection on his side because I wanted to go over to England to stay with him. I hated my family and didn’t want to hang around in Singapore. This issue has been affecting our relationship and he felt that he has to end them because it was going nowhere.

I was devastated. I went Milk Bar and drown myself in alcohol, only to have met you. When I was drunk, I couldn’t believe my eyes that you looked so much like him. That’s why I used your phone to call my own phone, so that I could have your number. Silly right?

I wanted to forget Steve because I couldn’t believe how little faith he has for our relationship. You were there and I tried to find Steve in you. But the more I attempt to find Steve in you, the more I found Cloud - the real you. The Cloud that I gradually fell for after months of recovery. Your unique perception of love, your behaviour, your sincerity and most importantly, being yourself, empowers and draws me nearer to you.

But it wasn’t substantial.

Recently Steve emailed me and told me that I could go over. He had finally managed to settle the parental objection and wanted to patch back with me.

I asked myself: how? It was torturous. I kept crying; torn between choosing someone who dumped the relationship and had me stranded alone and someone who has been always there for me without expecting anything in return and picked me up when I fell. You are special because you respected my personal privacy. You never asked - you only stood quietly in a corner, always there for me. You are like a holiday inn - a stay I wished that I could be here forever.

I cannot bear to leave you because I know once I leave the shores of this holiday inn, there is not way I can return. Time would have washed me far away and it would be a no-return trip. I can only preserve a shrine within my memories, to remind me that this special someone ever walked into my life and left footprints. It is those footprints that changed me life… changed my soul…

I will be leaving within this week. I guess, I could only say… I’m sorry.

I love you, but only if we met earlier.

Rain

***

My heart was torn and shattered into a million pieces. I could almost hear the pains of those tinkering sounds as if every fallen piece was a part of my soul. It was also as if all was ran by fate and churned by destiny. The bottled up feelings finally imploded and tears leaked from my eyes.

I was crying.

Chapter 13

I finally reached. I became like a zombie; totally dead and lifeless. It was as if some part of me disappeared and never returned. The pain was excruciating. I wanted to yell, but my heart made no sound as though it was sucked into the black of hole of circumstances.

I shouldn’t even have expected anything at all. We were such good friends right? Maybe good friends should always remain as good friends. Love has been around, but it’s about us, the choice we made that made a difference. I can choose to love her, but doesn’t mean that I have to be with her. Illogical? I called it respect.

‘Why are you giving excuse for your failure. You know deep inside, you don’t feel this way…’

I shook my head violently to dispel that thought. I was going insane every second.

‘STOP! STOP! STOP all these!’ I was screaming to myself.

Then, my phone rung and I had a chance to refocus my attention. It was a private number.

‘Hello?’ I asked and there was no reply. I knew it was Rain.

‘Anything you want to say to me before I go off?’

‘It doesn’t matter to me whether you chose him or not because my love for you is more than just possessing you. Since the day I knew you, never had I have the opportunity to make any choices – It’s always you who determine what we should do… when we should leave, when we should run, where to eat, who have to eat the peas… sitting by the swings… your letters or even going home or even going over to England.

Have I ever say ‘No’ to you?

No… because love had taught me to respect and be happy. Why? Because its YOU.

You made the choice.

The one decision I ever made for myself, concerning us… is to love you. Don’t have to say sorry because it’s my decision to.’

I knew she was crying too.

Final Chapter

‘What you want to eat?’ asked Paul as he glanced uninterestedly at the food stores. There was a large queue everywhere and Paul hated huge queue.

There was absolutely no contact with Rain since the day we last met. I knew she had gone over to England. My mind was tired of pondering. If I knew her story beforehand, I wouldn’t have led myself so far. It was a critical stab in my heart – a stab that I wouldn’t know how long it would take me to heal.

Have I regretted? Not at all. She has a special role in my life; she widened my thinking, taught me how to love and the priceless value of a special someone. It was bitter inside, but I knew the core was sweet. It was useless to have my girlfriend around me while her heart lies with someone else. I learned that having impacts in people’s life served a greater purpose than one possible relationship. Our connections were like dark clouds - she was one torrential rain that devastated my land, but renewal was beautiful after her appearance, because the soil was rich and water was plenty.

I was the catalysis that made that happened - this simple dream that existed. I was the fleeting clouds.

Woman should never take man for granted.

I have to heal my wounds.

I need time.

I touched my tummy.

‘Chicken Rice please…’


~The End~

(Names has been changed to protect identity)


================================================================

How many times have we fall in love but never realize that a quiet feeling has claim home within some secluded corners of our heart? We resist to acknowledge the feeling because there are incomprehensible reasons pulling us back, like a footbrake.

How many times have we fall in love but never could we be with the one that we truly love even though feelings was reciprocated?

Karmic relationship has taught me that some relationships were never meant to be in the first place. Love has sunk in because of the astrological bonds in our soul – not because love will continue to blossom from previous harmonious relationship. Some people walked into our lives, left so much memories during that phrase, and recalling it is as though we returned back to a bushes of thorns – our painful growth, our past… our regrets.

There are so many things in love which I knew now, yet none of them could change any details of my helpless past. This is called the painful connection, for without the four of ‘them’… there wouldn’t be any yunhaier of today.

There has to be growth before enlightenment take place.

There has to be cosmic lessons before growth take place.

There has to be tears before cosmic lessons take place.

There has to be a beginning before tears to take place.

Personal note: I would have fcuking turn evil if I didn’t survive 01 crisis. My memory angel, you kept me intact and I know you will continue to do so. Hope you will come back – it’s not about missing you... love had been locked down. CloUdiSm theory states Fantasy Creature, I understand... but my wisdom will shield and guide me

Cheers

Love story: Transition

The original story here

Chapter 1

I hit the lift button.

The same monotonous sound signaled the squeaky opening of the reluctant lift door; like how monotonous and annoying my life has grew to become. I mean, it wasn’t that bad, but surely, it was definitely bad enough. I have been through all sort of failed relationship that’s beyond my very control: from death of my love ones to fated separation – the notion of love began to sprout cynical roots, mutating maliciously into my subconscious. I hated the idea of that happening to my life, but what can I possibly do? Heaven make sport of men – I am of no exception.
I am not God; I can’t stop him from meddling people into my life, create a chaotic mess and get them out in an instant- like how we make markings into wet cements, watch the prints dry and become permanent. It stays with us forever… our memories.

As I got engrossed with my train of thoughts and the old lift door was about to close, a familiar face disrupted my steady flow of depressing thoughts; it was Snowy, my neighbour of several years. Our mothers knew each other at the local wet market through countless bargaining session, although their children were absolute stranger. It’s the kind of people whom you recognise, acknowledge and saw pretty often, but you don’t really talk to them: Snowy belonged to that category.

There was an exchange of faint smile, nothing more. Eyes darted all corners of the lift, refusing to look into each other’s personal space as the lift rumbled and moved.

‘Hey, I should probably say Hi or something…sometim

es its pretty awkward this way...’

Feelings into thoughts and before thoughts could translate into action, the lift door opened to her level. Snowy walked briskly down the stairs as I watched her vanished beyond a corner.

‘Probably next time…’

That’s the tenth time I told myself.

Seriously, I don’t mind having her as a friend. To top it up, she looked gorgeous beneath that plain-jane dressing. I have seen it before: when she really dressed well, she really looked good. You know the kind of women who needed the extra effort to make themselves good look? Again, she belonged to that category.

Then the shiny metallic door reflected my mirror-image as I stared at myself; how on Earth could a below-average, in all aspects, guy ever hoped to have anything to do with her? I mean it’s more than just the lack of confidence and self esteem – it’s about being realistic and practical. She would probably nod her head, smile and that’s it. And the tricky part is: I think she is currently unavailable. So nope… I am not going to look like a fool and bring this awkwardness to new heights.

‘Yes mum I am back!’

Chapter 2

I reached home. Bathed, settled my dinner, before dumping all my dusty marketing books and notes onto the study desk: my exams were drawing perilously closed.

But nevertheless, I just can’t source for the motivation to study. It runs in my blood; my brother can’t study for nuts and I lacked the discipline and focus to read something completely theoretical when in fact, a lot of marketing terms are actually simple theory in explanation. The entire book looked complicating and menacing, but actually if you were to break down into its DNA, it could be absorbed easily, even by screwed brains like me.

‘Boy ar, I got you these pants from the streets. And you KNOW what? I bargained with Aunty Wong and it merely cost five bucks each!’

It was my mum.

You know how woman become ecstatic when they have successfully gotten a great deal in terms of price against quality and quantity, especially if they have reduced the actual retail price through bargaining, even though in the first place, it was already a bargain. Customer satisfaction is measure through the price he or she pays, against that of the level of satisfaction he or she gains from the product. If the latter is significant higher, you would probably see her in future purchase and we labelled them as loyal customers…

I often find myself learning better from reality rather than hitting books.

I went through my boring books for almost two hours, before my concentration got completely distorted. When I felt that I have been reading the same old page for like ten minutes; I knew I was gone for the day.

Finally, after an emotional struggle, I made a decision to turn on my computer and prepare my daily doze of internet surfing. I can’t seemed to live a day without the internet, something will seem amiss; somewhat like when you forgot to brush your teeth for the day. In some sense, I am mildly addicted to my computer. Especially these days, when there is huge influx of people-connection

site like Friendster, or whatsoever.

I hate to succumb to peer pressure, but there I was, surfing these sites.

‘Interesting, there is this girl who messaged me, in my friendship account’ I thought oddly to myself.

‘Hihi, are you Cloud?’

Chapter 3

‘Of course I replied her,’ I said, as munched on my ham and egg sandwich.

‘And what do you say?’ said Jon, my best guy buddy. He’s a great guy, the kind of friend who will speak a lot of crap, but beneath that deranged mind and words, is real helpful advice.

‘I said yes and asked her how she knew me lar.’

‘Duh! She is definitely YOUR secret admirer you stupid fool. You don’t see that happening to you everyday? Duh…’

‘Oh please,’ I muttered as I stuffed the final piece of sandwich into my mouth, ‘she could probably be an old friend or something? How the hell am I suppose to know the identity of a person through mere nick? You don’t find much people hanging onto the same nick for years like me.’

‘Yes…yes… then what?’

‘So that’s it. Waiting for her reply?’

‘Good luck my friend,’ smiled Jon before slamming a pat onto my shoulder and walked away; Jon got to attend his tutorial.

I got up, stepped into the computer lab and heeded straight for the first available computer, with the first available seat. Beside me was a group of students, busy making their final preparation for their upcoming project presentation. I just finished mine; reveling at the fact that I have all the time in the world to enjoy now.

I checked my mailbox; nothing.

‘I guess I just have to wait until she get back home first,’ I thought to myself. But definitely, that doesn’t stop me from surfing the net while getting lost in the world of MP3 through my trusty I-Pod. From reading online news to checking out the lyric for the latest hit song, to even learning how to cook spaghetti; without realizing how much time I have spent, it was already five o’clock.

With some hesitation though, I checked my mailbox again.

‘Yeah, I am the girl staying at your block. Not sure if you know me… I am Snowy and not sure if you ever knew that our mums are market kakis... LOL!’

‘She is Snowy?!’

Chapter 4

It has been three months since we knew each other, virtually. We have exchanged MSN contacts and occasionally chatted at night when she logged on – I am always online anyway. The bizarre thing was that after that time, we have not met each other in the lift coincidentally. Not even once. It seemed that fate tactically brush us separately; either I went back home before she did or vice vista – but never the same time. We could talk about most things online, but seriously speaking; I doubt it could be the same in reality. I always imagine seeing myself simultaneously with her in the same lift, but, completely dumbfounded.

That would look so stupid on me.

‘Hey, you there?’

Upon seeing her message, almost immediately, my fingers dashed through the keyboard in such amazing speed.

‘Ya?’

‘My mum told me that you failed your finance paper last term.’

My mum again! I wouldn’t be surprised if Snowy knew when I stopped drinking from my milk bottle, what size of shirt I wore or even my PSLE results. Suddenly, I felt my privacy being invaded as though my personal life is being reported to people outside this house. Kaoz.

‘You know… women always gossip… keke...’

Yes and there are three women in total. You know what they always say: two’s a company, three’s a crowd? Too much information spreading across causal conversation would results in embarrassment to the party you people are talking about.

‘You mean you? LOL!’

Right. Namely, it’s me. Anyway, I have little interest in finance and I would probably offer all my finance notes to the paper shedder after this semester. To top it up, my tutor sucked big time. Ok, maybe not him personally; it’s his teaching method. I can’t seem to absorb all those figures, theories and stuff; I am the marketing sort of guys.

‘Hahaha! Really?’

I guess so… resigning to fate. I don’t want to fail my supplementary paper or I risk retaining one year. Tomorrow, I would burn some joss sticks and pray for some miracle to happen. If that final resort doesn’t work, I am so screwed.

‘Hahaha, you are so cute… I could teach you if you want.’

I beg your pardon? Teach me? You and me? Two people? Futari? Liang Ge Ren?

‘=P’

Is this one example of girls playing the favourite passive guessing game? I mean, what is ‘=P’ suppose to mean? A yes or a no? And what’s with that tongue? An expression of something cheeky? Is Snowy some kind of psychopath, as we meet up, she would murder me, cook my kidneys and consume them?

‘Haha…Siao… Cloud, you think too much…’

Sigh. The other time someone tried to teach me, ended up, he was stuck with temporal derangement and intense agony from tutoring me.

‘It’s ok… I have lots of patience. =) Anyway, I gtg liao… we’ll meet at the Payah Lebar Starbucks tomorrow at 7.30 ok?’

There was hesitation and my fingers froze.

‘Alright…’ my fingers relented, ‘ will message you again…’

Chapter 5

I was there early.

My emotions were racing all over my body, occasionally shot right into my head for a brain-freeze as I pondered over the thought of a ‘hidden’ date like this. I was just thinking, could this be considered a date? After all, it was planned… it was discussed… it was agreed… it was a mutual meeting… there was a location… there was something to do. So does that justify a date?

Maybe studying was just a façade – this was probably an unofficial date to me.

I stared into my books and my eyes can’t seem to read past the third sentence. Every time when I read till that point, my mind started to wander around and my concentration was broken like a thin thread. When I gathered myself again, I re-read the whole thingy again and the process repeated like a spell routine.

‘Come on dude… THIS IS A FRINGING STUDYING SESSION LAR. Never study with girls before meh?’

I had to wake myself up. Hello? This ‘thought’ sounded damn crazy lor. People are just being helpful to assist you in your lousy finance, please do not interpret anything else.

Having to indulge in my own mental realm long enough to see a familiar figure in a distance, I quickly took a quick peek at my watch – she’s on time. And being early isn’t exactly very helpful to calm down my excited inner self. It was like sparkling juice; much awaiting and anticipation.

Snowy made her way to where I was sitting, gave a slight embarrassed smile before settling down. There was still no words… yet.

‘Erm… hi?’

I just felt that I had to initiate something to break the first silence.

Then she burst into a small laughter.

And for some reciprocation reasons, I burst into a small laughter as well.

‘Wah kao eh… you mean awkwardness can also be humorous?’

‘You had your dinner yet?’ I asked.

‘Not yet… what about you?’

‘Erm… same.’ I replied with 0.4 seconds of hesitation. The truth was, I just ate McDonalds’ big Mac value meal AND drank one large Ice-blended Mocha, thinking that she would probably consume her own dinner and also to calm myself through my very own food therapy.

‘Shall we eat then?’

‘Woah, right on. I am getting famished,’ I replied such gusto that I felt it was a little over-doing it. I licked my lips a little, before rubbing my stomach. Hungry or completely full?

‘Cloud… you are a liar.’

This was the scene to our first meeting.

Chapter 6

‘Ok, just refer to this table, equate this and…’ said Snowy as she pinpointed and explained one particular finance question which I got a whooping zero marks. Snowy is just incredible and I really meant it. Everything seemed so easily comprehendible, under her gentle guidance and words. I find myself understand MORE than what my lectures and tutorials put together.

Something must be quite wrong somewhere.

‘So you understand?’

‘Eh… almost,’ I replied as my line of sight entered into the path of her gaze.

Seriously, I thought I saw her eyes smiling at me. Electrifying moments that caught me in a sudden.

‘Why? You don’t understand anything?’

Hello? I think it was you who was looking at me that way; I just happened to look into your path of sight.

We burst into a short laughter.

‘Ok, I think you have enough for the day,’ remarked Snowy as she dump the stack of finance notes into her girly pink Roxy bag.

It was only then did I begin to study her, physically, in details. Apart from her cutesy appearance, something else caught my eyes; it was her thin wrist - there were layers of red markings, among several old scars, as though she has been badly wounded around that region recently before. The protective male instinct surged forth and immediately, I was overwhelmed by intense concerns.

‘This?’

Snowy raised her right hand and examined it causally. I noticed a tint of sorrow lingered in her eyes as she glanced over it. It seemed to speak of apathy, depression and a provoking past. There was an unusual flow of silence circulating around us as though her sweet voice had difficulty in saying something. I realized this wasn’t difficulty – it was hesitation.

‘It… was the result of an attempted suicide.’

What? My world was stunned momentarily. What on Earth could have happened to constitute such behavior? Life is so precious! I can’t never imagine how one would take life for granted, given that there are so many unfortunate souls who desired to live, but didn’t had it as an option.

Snowy simply stared into blank space. I sensed a deep grievance in her.

Ah ha! I think I know what it was.

A relationship with a jerk ex-boyfriend.

At this current moment, I dared not question too much. She seemed very affected emotionally.

‘Snowy,’ I said, in a soft tone, ‘you know why woman always think a lot and affects them longer? Because when a woman falls deep in her thoughts, she would take much longer to return back to Earth, compared a man - considering that woman are Venus denizen and man are Mars aliens; Mars is so much nearer to Earth.’

It caught her unexpectedly and Snowy giggled in amusement. Although I have succeeded in bringing her back to reality, gawd, that was SO lame!

‘Come on, it’s getting late. Let’s go’

A good thing about an outing with her is that sending her home is going home! Hiak!

‘Yes… so I won’t feel guilty for you having to send me home. Cloud… you know…I definitely need someone to send me home one…’

Woah! High expectation? Noted!

‘It’s called… safety.’

Chapter 7

It was holiday period; a time where all students rejoiced at the gift of abundant freedom and liberation… except me, who was busy preparing for my finance supplementary paper next week. Everyday passed like a daily ritual, which comprised of a compulsory MSN chat with Snowy, somewhat half cyber-tutoring and half talking cork. Somehow, this has become an integrated part of my life. And if this sequence was to remove from me now, without her virtual presence, I feel weird.

‘Wah really meh…? What is missing..?’

I don’t know. Something just seemed to be missing; probably became a habit. Just like I used to have a bunch of good friends, who could really click well, but that was all in the past. We could talk about everything - girls, school, work or life, but they, well, were busy with their life now and could hardly spare the time for lengthy chat like this.

‘…oh dear… that’s sad…’

When a man got attached to a woman, their friends will eventually appear to be second-grade citizen, literally. The chilling out time would be reduced to near-nothing as all guys need to accompany their girlfriend. This fact always overruled - an inevitable part of life I guess.

‘…But when you have a girlfriend, you will definitely want to spend time with her what… won’t you?’

I will…balance the equation. Even if it tears my mind into deciding how I should go about doing it - I will find a way. I don’t know; to me, friendships are very special and shouldn’t be degraded into second class citizen just because someone new entered into your life. But that doesn’t mean I love my girlfriend any less; I sees it as an essential part of relationship adaptation.

‘Cloud… you are a good friend… but what if your people leave you in a lurch…?

That stumbled me.

I don’t know.

‘Being accommodating doesn’t always mean good you know… people will leave somehow…’

What’s with the negativity? Ok fine, nothing of that sort ever happened to me yet. I am still friends with my male buddies and when I needed them, they appeared from all corners of the world. Perhaps, being left in a lurch really sucks to the max.

There was no reply, as though the conversation came to a drastic end. I was thinking, maybe I should just begin a new topic and walked away from this serious stuff.

‘Hey… shall we go out after my examination? I promise to treat you dinner, for all the valuable help so far.’

There was a reply after about a minute, as though she is considering my date proposal on the other side. I was beginning to lose the nervous self and I didn’t even flinch when I type the words out. Darn! I am getting better at this.

‘Ok… =)’

‘I will let you know the details later…’

WOOHOO! My heart rejoiced in ecstatic happiness.

Chapter 8

I was scribbling frantically, yet with glaring confidence.

I knew this paper was a complete walkover. These were the rare times when you know deep inside your heart that you could do all the questions with decent answers and mind you, I do not have the academic brains, so such phenomenon does not really happen to me very often.

I tucked my favorite pen into my shirt pocket cautiously, as if it would damage my shirt material. Then, I raised my right hand and alerted one lady invigilator to hand in my examination paper. I had all the time in the world, but anxious was constantly shrouding me – today is my official date with Snowy. I felt this immerse urge to leave as soon as possible, in preparation for my first date. I can’t wait for everyone to finish as the entire bunch of people would pack the bus to its brim and I may be ‘squeezed’ out, waiting endlessly for my bus.

I was the first to finish and left the room feeling completely awesome. Made a quick sneak into the gents and styled my hair meticulously. Adjusted the collar, flatted the shirt and lowered my Levis jeans a little to give that ‘baggy’ feel. Every impression counts and I have to make sure it does or there may not be a second date.

Without wasting too much time, I hurried my feet to the bus stop.

We agreed to meet at Takashimaya as she needed to get some books from Kinokuniya. As it is probably the heart of Orchard, we could also decide where we want to have our dinner.

The bus-changed-MRT ride down to Takashimaya was pretty uneventful and before I knew it, I was there… waiting placidly at third level, eagle-eyeing onto level one – the location we agreed to meet. I have my reason for positioning myself at higher grounds; so that I could admire her beauty from afar momentarily before meeting her directly. And… that was definitely a better view to check out the other town babes strolling beneath me as well. Hiak!

As I was having my share of eye candy, something interesting caught my eyes - it was a petite girl, whose familiar back was facing me. One tall-freak, guy, was standing directly in front of her and acted as though he was seeking for her forgiveness-kind-

of-melodramatic behavior, with the girl completely unmoved by it. Folded arms and tilted head, the lady displayed strong resisting body language. The scene attracted quite a few curious bystanders and from what he was doing, nothing seemed to be working.

Then, the girl made a complete turnabout; it was Snowy.

WHAT?

Snowy appeared to initiate a walk away, but her attempt was faltered as the man caught her left hand. Then, Snowy aggressively shook off his hand and ran. The man gave a short chase, before resigning to fate. He must have thought that somehow, it was futile even if he caught up with her. And then, more curious bystanders gathered, observing their tiff exchange.

Gawd! What was going on? I hoped she won’t tell me that the date is canceled… NoooooOOooOooo!

‘Who is this guy? What does he wants? Why did she ran away?’

I could see doubts and confusion ballooning from my befuddled mind. I hastily check my watch, it was at least forty-five minutes prior before our date. So that means I have a fighting chance to see whether my date would continue.

My mobile phone beeped.

‘Sorry, will be late. Mind if I meet you one hour later?’

Chapter 9

This has probably to be the longest hour I ever waited for someone. Nothing to do with the length of time - more like the theory of relativity. I kept thinking about the best course of action to undertake; whether to tell her frankly I saw what happened just now and to question her why… or to pretend that I am ignorant and to act like one?

I felt a small tap on my shoulder. I lifted my head to see who it was - it was Snowy. I could understand why she needed an additional hour before the meet-up; her eyes were puffy and appeared like she had just cried. She probably made used of the time to mask her act of crying. Although the redness in her eye had subsided, it was quite blatantly obvious that tears have fallen.

‘Why… you looked so drained? Something happened?’

‘Oh nothing… I am just tired. You know… it’s the woman thing…’

Oh man, this has to be the best excuse ever. I swore that if I did not have knowledge of what took place just now, I would have believed her reason completely. The best cover-up tale ever!

‘Have you bought your books then?’

‘Yeah… got it… shall we eat something? Cloud… you decide… I am fine with anything.’

We arrived at Wheelock Place, Big O, in no time. Throughout the journey there, I felt that Snowy was trying very hard to be normal and cheerful… so much trying that it appeared unnatural. Maybe, I am just hyper-sensitive, but there are times when you communicate to someone and you could see their mind and soul isn’t here physically.

A good thing was, our causal conversation didn’t cease – it just kept pouring in and just kept getting more interesting with every passing minute. Our meals came and as we dined our food, I could see her spirit gradually returning back to Earth. Snowy seemed more lifted up emotionally… the real Snowy I know since day one. We were like frozen in time… chilling out in our own world.

‘Cloud… I am so glad that you are so confident about your supplementary paper. I know that you would pass…’

Love is miraculous. It instilled an innate strength and belief to weak humans, so that we could hold a fighting spirt to combat what life’s nemesis has in store for us. Challenges never stop and kept swarming in as we struggled to keep these adversaries at bay. A simple remark from her is like Love brandishing me with the weapons, enabling me to succeed in my attempt to strive forward.

I never discover how much untapped potential I have; Snowy unlocked the chamber to myself. I was a procrastinator, a lazy bum, a happy-go-lucky fellow, but all will change, when you realize some people care about your well-being and future and you never want disappoint these people.

The duration of the meal was short; Snowy mentioned that she needed to go back early today. I respected her decision, call for the bills and paid everything.

‘Here’s my share…’

‘Come on, guys should pay for their first date… it’s ok. Treat me another day…’

It was heartening to know about her intention to go Dutch, but the masculine ego in me refused to relent. After all, she had an extremely bad day today and the least I could do is to treat her to some good food.

When we reached the bus stop, the bus came almost instantaneously. We hopped on and picked the end seats.

Then, Snowy reached into her bag, took out her I-pod and stuff one ear-piece into my right ear. Twitching her I-pod a little, she stopped at a song titled ‘Tong Hua.’ I was expecting this song to be sung by Guang Liang, but it was a same name, different thing.

‘I found this song by chance… send to me by a friend… and this is an original composition… nice hor…’

I nodded my head in response.

The journey was magically quiet, reveling in the essence of a soothing song. Both of us were just enjoying the music and comfortable silence that saturate around us. From where we were, there were three groups of people. One couple, as though reverting back to their early childhood, playing like untainted children… tickling one another; One lance corporal NSF, silently messaging with his phone, probably to his girlfriend; one middle-age woman, staring outside the window, probably thinking about her kids at home. The beautiful song running in the background… the bus scene… and my Love beside me… this was the most amazing thing.

Love is all around… kept in our hearts and blossomed from within.

We reached home soon enough - back into the memorable lift where we always met but yet to know one another.

‘Cloud… I won’t be on MSN so often from today onwards… I would be very busy doing some holiday projects.’

I felt a hairline crack in my ‘beautiful moments’. It was too sudden I guess.

Snowy reached over and hugged me, then, she whispered into my ears.

‘Thanks for everything today and before. Really enjoyed your company so far.’

The hateful lift door opened; Snowy disappeared as she walked out and brought me back to reality… abruptly ending my ‘beautiful moments’.

The best part? I didn’t even say a thing.

Chapter 10

It was one month ago since I last saw her on MSN.

She seemed very busy… too busy in fact, to be online. Or maybe she is avoiding me because my mum probably told her mum something bad about me and Snowy got to know about them. Damn!

Ok, I promised to brush my teeth before consuming breakfast from today onwards… I promised I would not pee over the toilet seats… I promised to wash my hands after every toilet session… I promised not to eat on my bed…

Self delusion.

I should have guessed it; I am not the kind of guy for her. With looks like hers, how would she fall for someone as ordinary like me? Snowy probably have suitors, the length of the Macdonald’s Hello Kitty crazed-queue and I still wouldn’t be surprised. For a guy who doesn’t have much luck in love, doesn’t have the boy band look, doesn’t have much eloquence to sweet talk… isn’t rich… fare badly for his studies – WHAT kind of boyfriend could I sell myself to her?

Nothing.

I resisted the negative thoughts internally. Not that I could possibly help it, but in the midst of uncertainty and mixed messages, there was absolutely nothing I could hold on to believe and to make me think otherwise.

It was terrible. My most feared nightmare of having to remove my daily MSN routine away with her.

I dropped a few forwarded SMSes previously, but there wasn’t any reply from her. I concluded that it was because she must have thought that there wasn’t a need to reply forwarded SMSes personally… just like our forwarded emails.

I need to call her.

Hesitation and negativity is preventing me from doing it.

Why?

Why am I plucking the roses, when I know the thorns are there? Why must I deliberately scorch myself, when I know the fire is dangerous? Why must I love… when I know that hurt is inevitable?

But I refused to succumb to circumstances; I supposed I shouldn’t believe in behavior without explanation. There are no smoke without fire - something must be wrong somewhere. I may have overlooked certain issue, without realizing it or there could be something affecting her emotionally.

I must get to the bottom of everything.

I dialed her mobile.

I reached her voicemail.

Sigh… Maybe, I am right after all. She must have been avoiding me because she didn’t want to lead me into thinking that I may have a chance with her, when in fact, there isn’t one to begin with.

I can feel my vision getting watery.

Then my mobile vibrated and I almost got a shock.

‘Meet me at the park at 8 p.m.’

Chapter 11

I was early.

In fact, every upcoming meeting with Snowy, I will be early. She probably never realized this, but when you fell so deep in love with someone, your burning desire to see this special one just flow naturally. So natural to love is like to breathing – nothing can obstruct the heart from overwhelming emotions… absolutely nothing.

I was concerned.

So overly concerned that I want to see the same smile appearing once again - like sunshine after the rain. Love transcended all possession; being with her now rank second priority, but to ensure her well being became so important, nothing else matters as long as I know she is alright.

I could see a shadowy figure emerged from the gloomy night; it was Snowy. She was early as well, just that I was slightly earlier. Then, I begin to conclude that troubled souls will never be late for appointment, probably because of the desire for some quiet space, time and serenity. Being early gives you the edge to think over your words, conversation, thoughts and feelings.

The sky rumbled in protest and gradually cast a red netting of clouds over heaven.

Snowy cried again; I could see it in her eyes. Tears gathered and swelled up. This time, she took no precaution to mask her depression. I felt a wounded soul with abundance of grievance, upsetting her life. Something is definitely wrong.

I stood where I was standing and she, frozen in her steps. We were physically about ten feet apart, but emotionally, millions of miles in distance.

I initiated a first step forward.

‘Stop where you are…’

I paused, still maintaining my eye contact.

I saw her crumbling emotions crying out for assistance. The pain within her heart still lay red with sore. Someone had to nurse her wounds and I prayed that I would be the candidate. I can feel Snowy’s desire to reach out to me, but SOMETHING, so powerful… so sinister… held her back, like an unbreakable mithril chain.

‘Cloud… you love me?’

There are times when words were not spoken, because the meaning becomes more powerful in silence. I always thought of what I can do for Snowy, not so much about how much I could gain from a relationship with her. If this is stupidity, Love has created me the most insane person ever.

‘Cloud… you… are too good…’

Good? Take advantage of me then. If taking advantage could make her share this burden of hers with me, I seriously don’t mind the exchange - To take away hurt and replace with hope and love.

Snowy broke down completely. Apparently, my words seemed to soften her hardened interior.

I felt droplets of rain falling on my shoulders, hands and head. Flashes of lightning lit the flaming sky.

‘I will not leave within if the rain comes. I will stand strong here; nobody has the power to remove me away,’ I replied, stuffing my hands into my pants pockets as I closed my eyes, waiting for the menacing rain to begin its operation.

Chapter 12

I felt a warm embrace.

I opened my eyes and saw Snowy hugging me. Her tears kept running furiously, like the rain which began to pour heavily. Her head was on my wet shoulder, filled with both tears and rain drops. I could see comfort in her, by releasing her suppressing emotions. Snowy tightened her embrace and this time, my arms were over her. If time could grant us permission, I would never let her go.

‘You are too good to me… but… I am not worthy…’

I am blinded by love, so blinded that I could only see the potentially good qualities in Snowy. No one is perfect, just like no one is without its merits and I chose to focus on what’s good in her.

‘You don’t understand… because you don’t… you don’t understand me…’

I want to understand Snowy, but am I given the chance to? Her words revolved around confusion and doubts. So much, in fact, I am so sure that she doesn’t even understand herself. I want the chance to get to know the REAL her and make her get back to her REAL self.

‘My ex-boyfriend came to look for me the other day… and wished that I get back with him.’

This statement questioned me terribly, but I understood the meaning of happiness - even if I am out of the picture, my stand will never change. I will let her go if that brings her to greater happiness.

‘I want to accept myself… to accept you… but I am not worthy of your love because I was a RAPE victim… DO YOU UNDERSTAND?’

I couldn’t reply. Shocked beyond words… all was too sudden. Silence was prevalent.

‘Our relationship ended because of this. He never ditched me… I did because I knew always desire a virgin girlfriend since day one and from his later behavior; it’s obviously that it was an issue to him. I could see in his mind… that this psychological stigma is impossible to overcome, as much as he claims he would accept me for who I am. I HAD TO END IT… and now, when I find myself falling in love with you… he appeared, telling me that he wants to treasure me for who I am. Virginity is no longer an issue to him… but what about you? Is it fair? FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD ACCEPTED ME FOR WHO I AM… AGAINST ONE WHO DOESN’T… please… enlighten me… what should I do?’

No voice came forth. I felt her sorrow assimilating into my soul. There was a tingle of sadness and I felt salty tears in my eyes.

‘Love… is only one subject by itself. I cannot see myself with you… you are too good… and every time when you demonstrated your goodness, it reminded me of my ugliness. I cannot see myself worthy of you because it’s me. You cannot understand my mindset because you are not me. HOW MUCH EMPATHY you employ is useless because you are not me. I DON’T WANT YOU TO REGRET AND I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU… you understand?’

‘You thought’s what good for me,’ I whispered softly, ‘have you ever thought that it doesn’t matter to me?’

‘I can tell this to million of guys out there who loves me… and they will say the same thing like what you had said. BUT IS IT THE TRUTH? NOT AFFECTING YOU PERSONALLY?... the truth hurts like hell… and I never want to know the truth. I just want to tell you… I am moving house. I decide to tell you the truth because we probably will never meet again… in the same lift… we so often see each other when we were younger till now.’

‘Have you ever thought that it is you who wants to go away, not me?’

‘No…’ Snowy replied, paused for a moment as she released herself from the embrace and walked away, ‘just that in the first place… I wasn’t meant to be here.’

Final Chapter

It was about a year since I last saw Snowy.

She moved out of her house…disappear from my district… changed her mobile number and vanished from my life.

I did ask my mum, previously, if she knew Aunty Wong’s new address, but she said she doesn’t even know that they had moved house. Oh man… so much for market kakis.

Fate is incredible; I graduated from my course and started working part time in a music school. My job enabled me to know a lot of people and guess what? I happened to know the guy who composed the song, Tong Hua - the song we shared listening on her I-pod. And guess what? He is my junior back in secondary school days.

Fate… is indiscernible and completely unexplainable.

I learned that Love is so much about acceptance. Probably, she may end up with her ex-boyfriend, which I learned later, is her first love and had the relationship going for five years before a temporary breakup.

I was the interval… the transits… the commercial break - someone who doesn’t belong to the actual show; just something to fill up and occupy the show’s time slot.

But I was glad to be that role; at least I got to appear in the stage for a moment, before my role is no longer needed. It wasn’t dump as a role; rather, my scene is over.

For that transit that is so beautiful… a commercial that I never would change channel, it belong to a dream and probably best to stay like a dream.

Angel (An NSF Story)

The original story here.

Chapter 1

I was sweating profusely under the blazing sun. The sun’s piercing rays shone provocatively across the rows of standing humans and I had trouble trying to prevent droplets of sweat from infiltrating into my eyes. To be truthful, I wasn’t feeling well and had initially thought of falling out. But, everybody else was falling out and ironically, ALL these fallen personnel came from my unit. Thank God, the Regimental Sergeant Major yelled out his final command, beseeching us to stand at ease before uttering another command to end my torment. Peering through my blurred vision, I could see him putting a fist in the air – SAF’s way of gathering people.

My first step forward was wobbly and my ear was very much blocked. I thought I could almost hear the movement of my blood cells flowing rapidly through my head.

I swallowed hard as I felt a wholesome weakness engulfing my body, especially this incessant dull aching around the left flank region of my body. I tried to ignore it, but in fact, it was gaining on me.

‘Ok gentleman…’

I couldn’t even wait for him to finish; a shade of darkness clouded over my eyes and I blacked out completely as my body gave in to the searing sun and plain fatigue. I was lying like a defeated soldier, lying at the mercy of circumstances, with my consciousness slipping away every minute.

Then, I felt a shift in altitude; someone carried me on his shoulder and I could hear much commotion rumbling like a faraway crowd. I can sense the vibes from people around my vicinity, whom I suspect to be medics, talking frantically to me, but I couldn’t make out any sense from their blabbering.

‘Wake up!!!!’

I felt someone invading my solar plexus with his hands, attempting to execute pain to teleport me back to reality from the abyss of unconsciousness. My eyelid jerked a little before I narrowly forced opened them.

‘Stopp…. Painnn…’ I murmured meekly.

In this very next moment, I vaguely glanced my surrounding – A doctor was trying to hoist open my heavy eye; I felt a syringe stabbed into my right arm; a needle pricked one finger of my left hand; somebody was unbuttoning my shirt; another fellow trying to take my temperature.

‘His pulse is forty two…’

Praise the lord; I could hear what he was saying, although not exactly loving this medical ordeal.

‘Don’t close your eyes… what’s your name? Can you hear me?’

I was bombarded with questions as if I was struck with amnesia. I pointed to my left flank and signaled to them that there was some dull aching there, however, for some unknown reason, the doctor seemed more interested in checking out my temperature. By now, I was semi-conscious, although extremely debilitated from my concussion.

‘Corporal Lin, next time, when you not feeling well… must sound out. Don’t push yourself too hard.’

The voice came from Tengah Airbase’s RSM. He fatherly touched my forehead and I could see his meticulous concern over someone almost a stranger to him. In the midst of this dizzy chaos, I felt touched emotionally.

After what seemed like eternity (I have severe distortion of time and space within that disoriented frame of mind), I was pushed into a nearby ambulance. The ride was short before I was unloaded and brought into SAFTI Medical center.

Initially, my case was mistaken as heat injury; icepacks were all over my vital points. Yes, I was stripped naked… almost. Together with the blasting air-con, I was literally freezing.

‘I think we over-cooled him…’

What?

‘Standard procedure’… again?

So much for ‘THINKING’ soldiers…zzz

At this point of time, I was very much back to Earth, despite the persisting aching.

‘I think there is an unnatural enlargement here…’ said the Medical Officer as he circled his finger around my left flank region. As soon as he finished his statement, the Medical Officer began to perform palpate their discovery, as if trying to confirm his findings.

‘I think this is a kidney enlargement.’

‘WHAT?’

Chapter 2

I dazed blankly at my bed wall, recalling what happened, before it dawned on me that I was actually medically ill for twenty years. What a ghastly enlightenment!

The doctor diagnosed: I am suffering from Hydronephrosis – a congenital disorder where my ureter (the long, narrow duct that conveys urine from the kidney to the urinary bladder or cloaca) is naturally narrow. Think of this condition like a funnel with narrow tube; water flowed slower, compared to one with a wider tube. Relating back, therefore, years of accumulated fluids were trapped within my left kidney, which causes the enlargement and dull aching I had, unknowingly, over the years. Obviously, the kidney becomes damaged over time.

‘The test has shown that your left kidney only got about 12% function left…’

I freaked out when he revealed my test result. The word ‘NKF’ was flashing maliciously all over my mind. I couldn’t imagine myself going through dialysis and in fact, I would rather choose death.

‘We are born with two kidneys – and we can still survive with one.’

Sigh. A major operation was the final thing I had in mind – the renal specialist proposed that I were to undergo unilateral kidney removing operation, in National University Hospital. Everyday, I prayed for safety, hoping that I could complete my national liabilities without a flinch, but looked at what happen now? I do hear stories like chamber explosion of a M16 rifle that permanently disfigured the poor soldier’s (NSF) face for life. I just want to ORD without problems and get on with my life.

I haven’t even embarked my inaugural journey of life… my higher studies…career… and of course: a decent girlfriend…

So many things listed in my personal billboard and I have yet to achieve them.

How man? What if the operation becomes a failure? What if God wants to bring me back ‘home’ earlier?

I appreciated all my good friends and buddies, who gave words of comfort during this shadowy moment of my life. It was too sudden… too unexpected, even for them to digest mentally when I revealed about my sad medical condition. I needed all sort of positivity to help prepare myself for this coming decisive battle and those little encouragement gave me a lot of determination to banish the ‘what if’.

I came on MSN and was flooded with messages.

I checked my phone and it was flooded with messages.

‘So are you scared?’

It was Johnny – my best buddy since my days in ACS (BR). We were the best of friends since we knew each other. Sports, gaming, fighting, gambling to chasing skirts – there was nothing we didn’t do together or nothing we don’t know about one another.

‘Promise me,’ my voice became serious, ‘if anything were to happen to me, please take care of Vicky….’

‘Gawd!’ exclaimed Johnny, ‘Vicky is already history and you are still pinning over her? And nothing will happen to you lah’

‘You know Johnny, I had never really been in love and she was the closest thing that could paint an example of what Love probably means…’

‘She is, no doubt, a bad example: and you two have never even started!’

I couldn’t respond to his reply. Words choked at where my throat was.

Then I sighed.

‘Listen,’ began Johnny as he put his hands around me, ‘what you experienced is known to the common folks as puppy love. It was pretty ethereal. In fact, it was what we all felt when we were young.’

‘Then how do you know if a Love was substantial?’

‘Vicky wasn’t even genuine in the first place! Come on, she was just unstable.’

‘Sigh… quite difficult to find someone whom is genuine and sincere. I think my situation is worsened by the fact that I am not only NOT good looking, but also unexciting. Think girls just get turned off by me. People probably laugh at me for having blank pages in aspects of love and relationship and now, I am struck with this medical condition where it would be the end of me when my other healthy kidney deteriorates…’

My eyes became watery.

‘Look, your thoughts are running wild because I know you are afraid of tomorrow’s operation. Yes, I understand everything seemed to be going wrong, but reassure that God is fair; he takes something from you… he will give you something back in the future.’

‘I hope you are right…seriously hope so…’

Chapter 3

19 Sep 2005 (Monday), 0900 hrs.

My heart was iron-heavy as I stepped into the vicinity of NUH. The feeling was emphatically uneasy. I went to where I am supposed to report and waited placidly, with mum and dad. There were scores of people waiting, but none had any cheers on their face. The mood was vehemently serious and I was conformed to think that the fear of operation must be universal. These people must be feeling and thinking the same way as I do, or at least along the same direction.

There weren’t any running kids, despite the presence of kids. Even the innocent ones did understand the implication of operation and disciplined themselves. The medical workers were indulging in their work and the patients were just watching boring current affairs on televisions - it was like two separate realms. I see people constantly peering over the electronic queue number and checking out the little slip of paper in their hands, which made me wondered if they are that anxious to get on with what’s in store for them. Many pairs of eyes darted around when there was a ‘beep’ sound, signaling a change in queue. The mood was incredibly intense.

My turn was up and soon, all my administrative issues were processed. I was then wheeled to a given ward - ward 41, bed 25, but was later asked to change to bed 10. What a scenario to begin my nightmare! Perhaps there was some administrative discrepancy, but being the sensitive me, I can’t help but to think that it could be a sign of misfortune. Though I was too mentally preoccupied to invest further thoughts into the mundane, who knows? What if I was only destined to die on that bed? (TOUCH WOOD!)

A quick glance around probably revealed that I was the youngest there. The patients in my wards were probably three times my age.

And of course, there were nurses; student nurses to be precise.

Then, I saw this Nanyang Polytechnic nurse who was speaking to a patient directly opposite me. Actually, she was just being nice by lending a listening ear to his rant because from her body language, I could tell that she was wishing she could quickly flee from this scene and get on with her work. You see, the elderly are usually the loneliest and if they could engage a conversation with someone, they will start telling you their tales, plight or younger-days encounters.

I was grinning from my seeming-intellectual deduction and I think she caught the grin.

Still, my eyes were pretty fixed onto the clock at the top of the far wall. Time was ticking towards the hour of my fated destiny – Soon, a short-syringe was injected into my left wrist and left it dangling - a prelude to any operations.

‘Hi, I am sorry to disturb. I am a student nurse and I need to do your case study.’

It was that NYP nurse. I looked at her with an appraising eye and immediately, she become abashed. Wah rao! Not as if I am going to eat her lor.

‘Ok, go on.’

She began to pound on me with a series of questions, which I thought it was academically-standard sort of school questions. She probably has to sound and appeared professional, but the minor details betrayed the fact that she was in fact a verdant nurse. Her feet were turning inwards and a little shuffling. Her glances were everywhere as if she feared maintaining eye contact (and physical distance) during our conversation and every sentence she said, ended with a shy, girly smile that revealed two deep dimples.

She was petite and had tied her hair up, like all other nurses. Because she was so absorbed in her writing, I could see her eyeliner and nymph-like eyes when her attention shifted to the piece of paper, which I suspected to be her tutorial or internship-based homework. Her hands were perpetually holding the edge of her uniform pocket, taking them out only to jolt my replies. I caught a glance of her name tag, pinned on her chest, which engraved ‘Angeline Leow’.

‘Thanks Angeline.’

She spared another smile and nodded awkwardly, before making an exit.

Reality forced me back after being ‘greeted and welcomed’ by a cute nurse. Later, I was given a set of clothing to change in and after taking my own sweet time; I was no different from the other patients in my ward. Then, the operation bed was ready for me to descend in and prepare for my dreaded journey.

I could see mum praying and dad appearing strong on the exterior.

‘I will be fine!’

I lay on the bed and was wheeled out of my ward. Somehow, it felt like movie scenes where you could picture the protagonist being pushed into the operation room. The vision I captured, which was probably what you would see in cinema: the ceiling with rows of florescence light, medical workers around you pushing the wheeled bed, the riding movements, the pressure and everything else. What it lacked was a sad music to certain impeding doom.

‘Are you scared?’

I was surprised to see Angeline along side with the other medical workers. She was with another NYP nurse, whom I thought that they must be friends. Then, I was pushed into some deserted, empty corridor, which was saturated with biting coldness, before I was parked into one room and waited.

‘Ok lar. So, are you girls following me all the way until my operations finishes?’

Angeline shook her head.

‘We can only observe actual operation during our final year.’

As our conversation flowed, I realized that they are only year one students (17 years old), and having their first internship in NUH. There was some exchange of laughter, which helped me to clear some congregated negative thoughts, before Angeline and the other NYP nurse made their way out.

‘Good luck!’ cheered Angeline.

In return, I winked at her before I was pushed into the operation theater.

Blinding lights were shone directly into my face.

‘Relax; this will make you feel better…’

Chapter 4

19 Sep 2005 (Monday), 2000 Hrs

I sensed the presence of people gathering near me.

I heard deep murmurs uttering in some corners.

Like breaking of dawn, I managed to force open my eyelid for two seconds before it shut abruptly on me. Within that short span of time, I could catch glimpses of familiar assemblage stationed around my bed.

‘Thanks for coming…’

I couldn’t even put up ample resistance against the overwhelming lingering effect of anesthesia and also the debilitation effect from the operation. What you do expect from a major operation like mine? To remove one whole freaking kidney and leaving you with one! I do understand that people could still continue their living with one kidney, but trust me, nothing is like before.

My thoughts were tired and my subconscious suggested that I should get some quality sleep. I heeded the call and went into a deep trance.

The next moment when I peered opened my eyes, everyone had left.

20 Sep 2005 (Tuesday), 0730 hrs

The morning awakened in quiet serenity.

Finally, I took a careful study around the vicinity of my ward area and realized that there were couples of aesthetically-wel

l designed hamper, supposedly belonging/given to me. Then, I noticed a letter nesting beneath the hamper and painstakingly, I positioned myself in a way I could reach for it. It turned out to be a deathly feat; I absolutely had neither strength nor the ability move and somehow when I sat myself up, an insane pain that caused me to squniched in agony indefinitely.

‘Hey! Don’t do that! It’s very dangerous! Next time please call me or other missy to help you!’

It was Angeline. I was so absorbed in testing out my current physical condition that I didn’t know she had arrived for work.

‘Hey Cloud! We came yesterday, but you were sleeping… didn’t want to disturb you, so we wrote this letter just to tell you that we came. Take care dude! Must recover fast ok? =)’

Seriously, those warming words felt wholesome.

The effect of anesthesia gradually abated and somehow, I felt like puking. I don’t know if it was the ‘norm’, but it felt uneasy and nauseating - closed to having a hangover. At the same time, I felt ubiquitous bodily pain, especially where the tubes were inserted. I finally understood how it felt to be bedridden and sickly and how, especially those sick aged, felt when they become an emotional and financial burden to people who cared for them.

‘Well, at least I lived through and will recover…’

As I was dwelling in my train of thoughts, student nurses started streaming in; doing their routine checks. And I saw my ‘nurse-in charge’ Angeline – her lips shaped a smile, before moving towards my direction.

‘How are you feeling today?’

‘Not so good, but still manageable…’

We chatted causally as Angeline proceeded with taking my temperature, checking my blood pressure and pulse rate. Satisfied with her findings, she drew out her pen and recorded the results.

‘Your BP a bit higher than norm…’

‘Huh? Really?’

‘Don’t worry! Not a problem actually. A little bit only… and ah… yesterday, your family and friends got visit you… you know?’

I nodded my head.

‘All these hampers and cards are gifts from them... so good… I also want…’

‘You want the gift… but I think you don’t want to be lying here…’

As a natural response, we laughed and immediately, I felt a vicious jerk-pain in the left flank region where I was operated. What? I couldn’t even laugh?

‘Hey!’ admonished Angeline, ‘you had just finished your operation. Don’t laugh! Hold your wounds when you laugh or cough. Ok, talk to you later…’

Finishing the conversation, I closed my eyes and descended into another deep sleep. Seriously, there was nothing I could do except to sleep. Furthermore, at the weakest state of health, my body needed the rest to rejuvenate itself and accelerate healing. I was only awakened at intervals when the nurses have to take my temperature, blood pressure and pulse rate (standard procedure). Usually it was Angeline who attended to me, but when she was busy, then someone else would.

20 Sep 2005 (Tuesday), 1230 hrs

Lunch was boring. I couldn’t consume solid food, so my lunch consisted of soup, jelly and apple juice. My jaws dropped when I was told that it will be the same until I get better. Though fortunately, I had no appetite to begin with, but it wasn’t my kind of idea of filling the stomach.

‘Why don’t want already? Must eat… then will recover fast…’

I actually had to be coaxed by Angeline to take my lunch. Somehow, the food just repulsed me and after about six spoon of soup, I gave up. I don’t know why, but it seemed that energies in my body were unstable; I just felt I needed to sleep through until I get better. Then I got frustrated with myself, on why I was born with such kidney defects and poor health.

My mood became that of a cranky old man - depression is definitely easy target for the sick. If it wasn’t because of Angeline’s euphoric deposition, hospital is surely a gloomy atmosphere. Every hourly check, her action and words seemed so gentle and delicate that it wouldn’t surprise me if she sets other male patients’ hormones raging, especially those with nurse-fetish like Johnny. Haha! (To be frank, I was too indulged in pain to be thinking along that line).

‘Hey! I will be going off! See you tomorrow! And hor, don’t do silly things…. Call the other nurse ah! Don’t naughty… don’t want anything to happen to you…’

Time sped through quickly; it was three O’clock - the time when the next shift of internship students will take over the morning shift. Guess I would have to wait until tomorrow before I could see her again.

Chapter 5

20 Sep 2005 (Tuesday), 2300hrs

I hit the call bell and signaled to the nurse I needed to pass urine. You see, since I cannot get around, my only solution is to pee in a can… ever since I requested them to remove the accursed bladder tube. And talking about bladder tube; that was the closest thing to hell anyone could endure… only applicable to guys.

The pain delivered from an external tube attached to a man’s vital organ screamed an unspeakable, excruciating suffering that only those who have been through would sympathize. No words could describe my ordeal. I have never felt so much pain before.

For some reason, the Filipino nurse unlatched my bed’s safety bar, thinking I wanted to go to the gents.

Gawd! I can’t even get up… let alone having to walk myself to the gents. Literally after rolling my eyes, I told her I needed a pee can instead. Looking slightly annoyed, she returned with what I wanted and left in a huff.

‘So much for foreign ‘talents’…’

I finished my personal business and returned her the can (containing generous amount of my waste), before settling myself for another bout of sleep. And yes, she has apparently forgotten to latch the safety mechanism back into position, but I couldn’t care less as it would be impossible for me to fall off anyway.

Suddenly, a thought stuck me and I decided to play a bet with myself.

‘Angeline will latch it back when she comes for work at 7 plus…’

All through the night, I tossed and turned as much as I could maneuver myself without causing a pain reaction. In fact, there was a stinging pain around my abdominal region that was hindering me from resting. It felt like something was eating me inside out. Oh no, what could have happened? Could be complication?

I checked time – it was only 4.00 a.m. in the morning.

I bit my lips, clenched my fists, counted sheep, prayed, negotiated with my body and did everything else I could just to force myself back to sleep.

‘Come on Cloud, you will recover well… endure…’

‘Come rest…and sleep… you are getting sleepy…ignore the pain… just sleep…’

21 Sep 2005 (Wednesday), 0730 hrs

‘Cling Clank’

I was rudely awakened by the sounds of metals and natural response caused me to break my sleep mode immediately. Regain focus, I saw Angeline standing beside my bed, looking terribly apologetic.

‘Oh, I am so sorry… did I wake you up?’

I looked at what she was doing and realized I was right; she secured my bed, exactly what like what I had predicted. I checked the time, it was seven plus.

‘Hey, why are you grinning?’

‘You know something? Yesterday when the nurse unsecured my bed and leave it that way, I was SO sure that you would be the one who will secure it for me the next day when you see it. Great, you didn’t disappoint me.’

Angeline’s cheek flushed with slight redness and beamed into a girly smile.

‘Aiyo… I am your nurse mah… got responsibility over you…’

I raised my finger and draw a horizon across the ward.

‘Every single one of them came before you… but I was so sure it was you… interesting isn’t it?’

Angeline’s smile deepened and sank two visible dimples. Then she puts the clinical thermometer into my mouth and proceeded take my pulse rate. I don’t know why, but I looked fixedly at her while she counted my pulse rate silently. Every time when her gaze caught mine, she would smile bashfully and moved her sight elsewhere for a moment, before coming back to mine and repeat that cycle again.

‘Why are you looking at me?’

‘Angeline, you are so serious…I wanted to disturb your sequence of counting thoughts.’

‘Don’t be mean!’

We laughed.

‘Will come and talk to you later,’ said Angeline as she winked at me.

I elevated my bed higher and quietly observed Angeline as she worked. I discovered that she has a habit of washing her hands… once every three to four times she entered into my ward. Maybe she was particular about cleanliness or it could be NUH hygiene directives. Whatever it was, all I knew was, every time Angeline came into my ward, my sight never leave her until she disappeared from my vision.

‘Damn…I better stop looking at her that way before it gets out of hand…’

‘Hey kidney boy… how are you feeling?’

It was Johnny, with one assorted basket of fruits.

‘Yeah, surviving still…’

‘You are a lucky bastard…’ whispered Johnny cautiously, almost feared being heard, ‘I surveyed through all the nurses in your level and your nurse ranked the highest, in my gorgeous meter.’

‘Hahahahahhaha… gorgeous meter?’

‘That’s what I mean by God is fair; you went through a health crisis, you get a pretty nurse to serve you? Ain’t God fair?’

I couldn’t help but to laugh at his theory and unfounded deduction. I mean, to me, there wasn’t any significant connection. In exchange for ONE kidney, you get ONE cute nurse for four days? That’s such a bad trade.

We chatted for a while, before Johnny had to rush off for work. Sigh! I was brought back to loneliness, again.

21 Sep 2005 (Wednesday), 1430 hrs

‘Say something bad about me right?’ said Angeline as she came over my bed.

‘Why would you say that?’

‘Your friend kept looking over my direction… must be you… talking about me…’

Maybe Angeline was just being self conscious, but in the midst of this conversation, I realized that she was actually observing me like the way I do for her. I mean, it’s amusing and it says much about someone to have that someone telling you something which you overlooked or has never mattered to you in the first place.

‘No lar, my friend thought that you were cute…’

‘Siao… ’

Somehow, Singaporean ladies are not receptive to compliments. Their initial respond to a complement is to reject that complement verbally and accepting it emotionally. Maybe it is because of Asian values/culture where we are psychologically bred to practice humility. Or maybe we are so focused on what’s so unlovable about us that when someone says something nice, we are unable to accept the notion that we are actually lovable.

‘Hey, when are you discharging?’

‘On Thursday I think? That’s what the doctor told me, provided there is no complication…’

‘Aiyo… stay one more day lah! My internship ends on Friday… so you can repay me by accompanying me until it ends…’

Excuse me? Me accompanying you? Since when has it ‘become’ that way? Accompanying? It seemed that I have been promoted from a nurse-patient relationship to that of a friendship.

‘Cause can chat with you what… can help me to kill time faster…’

‘Don’t think it’s up to me to decide though… we shall see…’

Then I saw mum entering hastily into my ward, carrying newspapers and magazines.

‘Your mum is here,’ whispered Angeline, ‘I will exit myself to the bed beside yours…’

‘Boy ah! Mum has brought you some things to read so that you won’t feel so bored in here…’

‘Thanks mum…’

‘You know, mum is working on Friday and nobody is at home to take care of you. I was thinking of extending your stay by one day, although ah ma wanted to come up and take care of you…’

‘It’s ok mum, don’t want to trouble ah ma… aiya… no need lah! I can take care of myself…’

‘Cannot! You just went through a major operation, how can you move around? And I don’t want you to eat rubbish food outside… after operation cannot anyhow eat…’

‘Doctor says I can eat anything…’

‘Doctor says is doctor says… Chinese always very particular about food intake… you will listen to your mum…’

I think Angeline overheard our conversation. I causally looked over and caught her giggling to herself.

‘Yes mum…’

Chapter 6

22 Sep 2005 (Thursday), 0830

A panel of doctors (trainee and regular ones) came over my bed and inspected me, asking about my general well-being. Seizing the chance, I told them about my sudden acute pain last night and after some discussion, they suspected it to be Gastric.

‘…Damn the Gastric…’

Satisfied with my improving condition, those unnecessary tubes were removed from my body – another set of agony, especially the tube connected to the region of my non-existence-lef

t-kidney. Living in hospital is like living in hell; you are NOT only going to get bored to death, you will also receive ritual ‘pain torture’. To be frank: I am already dying to get back home on the second day, as I was missing my internet… my Warcraft 3… my personal bed… and everything else which had slipped out of my mind, but I know it mattered to me when I see them at home.

Today marked the fourth day and a weird phenomenon is surfacing - somewhere within my psyche, I was actually not looking forward to leave NUH. I seemed to be growing a progressive attachment to the hospital and something is fuelling this strange vibes that is gaining rapidly on me.

I don’t know what has gotten to me but it has reached to a boiling point where I could see myself feeling depressed about leaving NUH. Even just thinking about it made me low.

From where I was, I could see Angeline, chatting happily with the other trainee nurses, oblivious to me stealing occasional looks at her. And surprisingly, I realized I wasn’t the only one ‘spying’ her: one of the male trainee doctors, attending to me, was doing exactly the same thing - his eyes blatantly betrayed him. And yes, he was ‘caught’ by me.

Guess I was the last patient in their round check; this male trainee doctor went over to where Angeline was and spoke to her. From where I was, obviously I couldn’t make out what their conversation was, but after he has spoken, the other nurses broke into shy giggling, mixed with a little shuffling and soft cheering.

I couldn’t see my petite nurse as he was obstructing my line of sight and somehow, I don’t feel good about this.

22 Sep 2005, (Thursday), 1000

‘Haha… you got no choice but to stay here with me and let me take care of you one more day…’

Taking care of me? Hello? More like me helping her to burn off the ‘slower’ period of her working hours. I mean… just look around my ward: everyone IS at least three times her age - who else could have the ability to connect her world and thoughts as easily as I do?

‘Ya… like real…’

‘Well, unless you are talking about trainee doctors… like the guy who went over and talk cork with you earlier just now…?’

‘You mean Richard? Don’t anyhow think… he is just being friendly…’

‘Yeah I agreed… just extra friendly to specific people…’

‘Why you…’ whispered Angeline softly as she took out the thermometer from my lips and came close to my ears, ‘…so jealous?’

With that, she broke into a suppressed laughter.

Jealous? Me? That’s crazy.

Over who? Her? That’s madness.

On what basis? Undefined liking? That’s insane.

Then, a sudden disruption interrupted our conversation; an old man (bed beside mine) fell off his bed. Almost instantaneously, Angeline and one other nurse came over to help him up.

‘Uncle! How can you move around like this? Must call missy to help you!! You cannot afford to fall again, you know? Very dangerous!!!’

I could almost see Angeline bursting into tears as she admonished him; Angeline seemed terrified by what had happened to the old man, who was also under her care like myself. She stood there motionlessly, while putting a hand across her mouth and I could see liquid amassing near her eyes.

Grabbing my box of tissue lying quietly on my table (my mum bought it for me the other day), I walked over and placed it gently on her shoulder, with her back facing me.

Then, Angeline ran out of the ward, without even turning her head over.

‘Wah piang…so much for being a gentleman…’

She came back a while later, looking slightly embarrassed.

‘Did I cause a scene?’

‘No you didn’t… but you rejected my good will…’

‘Oh my gawd… you have seen me cry le!’

‘You are too emotional… I mean, such things do happen in a hospital setting, don’t they?…’

‘Ya I know, but when I see elderly falling to their knees, it pricks my heart so badly that I would just cry…’

That was WAY too angelic!

‘Anyway,’ said Angeline, ‘thanks for your tissue. Appreciated that thought…really…’

Chapter 7

23 Sep 2005 (Friday), 0700 Hrs

The morning arrived and I didn’t sleep very much throughout the endless night. My mind was like resisting my every attempt to put myself into sleep mode. Chaotic thoughts were saturating my mind, made up of incongruence pieces and formation of ill feelings.

Somehow, I have grown customized to the hospital beds, the constant service, the stale food, and of course, my ‘personal’ nurse. By the looks of it, it seemed that I only have a couple of hours more before this person would disappear from my life…unless…

‘Wah rao… ask for contact number? Sure reject one lor… she is a nurse and I am her patient leh…’

‘If you don’t ask, that would be the end of your ‘relationship’ with her – be it nurse-patient relationship or even friendship…’

‘But…but…how am I supposed to request? That would be hell of an awkward situation…and imagine if she rejects me outrageously, then how? Leap out of the window and commit suicide?’

‘Cloud… why are you thinking so much? Just DO first and FEEL later…’

Hmm… do first and feel later? It sounded like a good strategy to adopt. Maybe the first step to this strategy is to decide when will be the right moment to pop the question?

HOW MAN? I SUCK AT THIS!

Not resigning to my fate, I stared at the ceiling wall, praying to God to provide me some viable solutions, for time is ticking furiously and she would be here for work soon enough. I congregated all my human resource - mental focus, decision making ability, crisis management skills, probability calculation, spiritual assistance and rally of courage – into one powerful surge of energy flowing inside of me.

‘This must succeed…this must succeed… this must succeed…’

Then my object of desire arrived… and the formidable energy, that I could probably rule the world with, dissipated simultaneously.

‘Ok, I am dead…’

‘Wah… you woke up so early?’

‘…’

Angeline raised her brow, not expecting that sort of silence from me. She smiled, before proceeding with her usual standard procedure.

My emotions were intense, which cause my heartbeat to escalate and I wondered if she could detect the ‘abnormality’ when she checked my pulse.

‘Why man? You are weird today…’

‘Erm…’

‘Yes?’

‘Erm… erm…’

‘Go on…?’

‘… Since today is our last day… and erm… probably we won’t see each other ever again… I was wondering… if… erm… we could still remain friends… after my hospitalization?’

I swore my heart almost jumped out after I said what I had just said eight seconds ago. What was worst was that: there was a pause. And this pause had seemingly brought me into an alternative dimension and got me trapped into some pocket of time, which spelled eternity.

‘Yes… we will…’

With that, she stepped out of the ward to indulge in her work outside. Apparently, she seemed busy.

‘Siao liao lah… ask also don’t know how to ask properly… what does that mean man…’

23 Sep 2005 (Friday) 1245 hrs

I was packing my stuff as the time for me to leave hovered around the corner. Then I realized that my red Crumpler bag is barely enough to store all the goodies given from my friends and relatives and I had to squeeze the hell out of my poor bag.

Following that, I sat at my bed for the last time and surveyed my surrounding. Mum had called my mobile a while ago and said she would arrive in five minutes time. Interestingly, I was secretly praying that she would be late.

Actually, I didn’t really see Angeline around my ward as much as I would like to and as much as she usually do.

I guess I just blew it.

Well… nothing much to expect for an average Joe like myself. I don’t think I am in any position to make demands. She has to be professional as well. I supposed I wasn’t the first… neither would I be the last guy to make such request.

‘Son… are you ready?’

‘Yeah… ready to return back to reality…’ I murmured.

‘HUH?’

‘Nothing… let’s go…’

As I was leaving my ward, instinctively, I felt an aura towards my left. I causally look over and saw Angeline grinning at me.

‘Give me a moment mum…’

Angeline strolled causally towards me, with hands in her uniform pockets as I went towards her direction simultaneously.

We stopped in our tracks, after we have reached an approximate forty centimeter distance between one another. Angeline had exuded such sweet presence that she stirred my heart just by standing so close to her.

‘Hey Angel… thanks for everything… I will never forget how your care accelerate my healing…’

Suddenly, Angeline did something that caught me unprepared; she reached for my hands and took them to her side. Then she placed her palm over mine, before wrapping it up with my fingers. I felt something inside my hands, somewhat like a folded piece of paper.

‘Don’t mention it…’ replied Angeline, before she ‘returned’ my hands and I could see her blushing.

We exchanged our final smile.

Chapter 8

‘… And that’s how she gave you her contact number?’ asked Johnny, almost in disbelieved.

I nodded, with a sense of triumph.

‘Oh my goodness! Goodness gracious me! Something impossible happened: you managed to hook up a girl? And such a pretty one?’

‘What are you thinking man? We are just friends lar! You talk as if it was some kind of ONS rendezvous…’

‘Ok, got to go now! I need to work harder…’

Immediately, MSN prompted me that Johnny went offline. Probably only God knows what he’s up to – my best bet would be him dating his latest (if available) fling or planning his art of seduction.

It has been a week since the days in NUH and my health was indeed improving. I was also granted a hefty thirty five days MC, albeit it was actually considered pretty meager for a serious condition like mine. Simply put; no work for one whole freaking month! What could be better than that? Being paid for me to REST at home and hit my Warcraft 3. Haha!

As for Angeline, we communicated briefly via SMS… and that’s about it. In fact, the second day after I was discharged, she mentioned that she has apparently forgotten how I looked like.

‘Wah rao… I am SO insignificant… sigh…’

Maybe all along, it was just me? Perhaps she was just courteous to exchange contacts, looking for and based on a simple friendship. Period. Perhaps I knew this right from the beginning, but my mind could have refused to accept reality. How could it ever be me? How could it ever be? Even Vicky… even my past has proven to me that I am bestowed with such ill fate… that Love perpetually eluded me and never will I be able to grasp it completely in my grip.

I hate my destiny… I hate being so insignificant. How could I ever brandish confidence like how Johnny expressed himself? He’s not very good looking, but girls adored him. It’s an enigma on how he appealed to them and this is something I could never discern.

Perhaps I was just too… honest… in dealing with girls. Those ‘vital’ qualities that existed in Johnny were missing in me. Or maybe it was found in my subconscious, but I have yet to tap on those unseen powers. Girls these days don’t really appreciate guys like me – the classic guys - which was probably why Vicky chose another man and displaced me.

I don’t blame Vicky for her decision, because that guy is indeed much better than me. His ability to cater to her needs and to provide happiness surpassed me. I could only provide the rudimentary or the inadequate and that could potentially give rise to conflicts and possible arguments if she were to choose me instead.

In comparison, it was like LV against Giordano or Crystal Jade against cookhouse food.

I guess the brush of fate with Vicky had dealt a mortally death blow to my ego and self esteem.

I am unable to restore my original self, where I held great dreams and hopes of Love.

I am tainted.

Sigh.

Chapter 9

Johnny proposed to chill out in town before the sun sets. Although I was feeling quite reluctant, I thought that a causal walk would be benefic for my recovery. To be truthful, I still feel the pain whenever a wicked sneeze caught me by surprise or if I did something drastic that stretched my abdominal region. But wasting myself at home isn’t something I fancy; furthermore, how long could anyone spend their time playing Warcraft 3? Personally, I know some people have this ability to game their life away, but I have grown to detest such life within two weeks of personal experience.

Then I uncovered the truth; there was actually a secondary agenda to his proposal; he was planning to meet his latest fling he got to flirt around with in the internet. And he actually wanted me to be around to rally some courage.

‘This is so stupid… do you even know how she looks like?’

‘Nope… but we have talked on the phone before… she sounded so sweet on phone…’

‘So you are presuming that she will look as good as her voice?’

‘It’s a risk I am taking Cloud…’

‘And what if she doesn’t appear as good?’

‘Ah! That’s when we will quietly exit ourselves and leave…’

I was quite astonished by his reply; that was so mean and shallow of him. And I am actually part of this operation? His evil accomplice?

‘Ok you see…,’ began Johnny, ‘we agreed that we would come alone… but I brought you along so that she wouldn’t know that ‘I am Johnny’. At first sight of disappointment, I would signal you and we would just walk off somewhere…’

I rolled my eyes.

We were at the sixth level of Cineleisure; where the movies theaters where located. And we were just sitting around some couches waiting for the advent of his blind date. For the plan to ‘succeed’ – we have to be constantly talking to each other, as if we are either waiting for the movies to begin or waiting for someone. Johnny began to rattle about how he got to know her, their conversation and all sort of mundane stuff that I am not particularly interested in. My mind was sealed after he told me about this crazy plan of his.

Maybe I am just a prude; I don’t fancy bad pranks.

Suddenly, a group of people sitting around the couches stood up and walked towards the theater; my guess was that their movie was about to start. I causally looked around and realized that apart from us, there were two women, obviously friends, sitting directly opposite us.

‘Sheesh… I think one of them is her…’ whispered Johnny.

These two women weren’t particularly good looking. Knowing him so well, in fact, I doubt Johnny would be interested in anyone of them. Then Johnny pointed to the nearest escape – the escalator - suggesting that we should flee as soon as possible, witnessing the change of tide and triggering the contingency plan.

It was cracking the hell out of me because if Johnny was right and one of them was indeed his blind date, it goes to show how ridiculous this whole online-#%#* is about. People are just narcissistic and self absorbed – unable to look beyond the surface to causally know a new friend or something…. everything is sadly based on physical looks.

Then the two women, too, got up from their seats and apparently, there were behind us.

‘Oh no… I think that they are tailing us! Ok level four! Quick turned left into the arcade.’

I regretted not bringing my Oakley half jacket shade; I am so embarrassed by this whole scenario and swore to myself that I will never ever let this happen to me, again.

‘Ok… must remember to change some tokens…let’s act normally…’

The women were still behind us. I suspected that they knew one of us was Johnny and there was a possibility that they would approach us to confirm their suspicion.

Then, in midst of this mindless fast-paced chaos, there was this girl, hanging near the entrance of the arcade, with her back facing us. And when she turned around and our gaze caught each other; I was stunned.

‘Angeline?’

Her eyes were startled, but gradually soften into her usual sweet feminine doe-eyes. Even though she mentioned that she has apparently forgotten how I looked like, but when I am presented to her in reality, she recognized this familiarity immediately. Johnny was frozen in this track to change some tokens as he was considering this ‘new circumstances’. Then, at the corner of my eyes, the two women were maliciously closing in on us. I was staring at Johnny and I could see a change of plan weaving above his head. It was so transparent to me that I knew what he was thinking.

‘Angeline! So you are at the arcade? We were waiting for you at level six.’

And before I allowed Angeline to exude any puzzling expression, I went up to her, shielding her expression from the oncoming ‘danger’ behind us.

‘I need a favor; just act along with what I have to say,’ I whispered.

Angeline knowingly looked at me and smiled.

‘Of course,’ she replied notably loud, ‘I have forgotten to bring my mobile and when you people change the venue, obviously I wasn’t informed.’

‘Yeah man,’ chipped Johnny, almost wanting the whole world to hear, ‘we are sorry!’

The women then stopped behind us. I could see them having a mutual discussion and my guess was that there were deciding if the guys they were ‘pursuing’ was the man they were looking for. I wasn’t sure if they would buy our ‘tale’, but our conversation continued, as if were we planning to meet Angeline.

Shortly, they left.

‘Phew. Thank God…’ exasperated Johnny.

‘I am sorry Angeline; this arse-friend of mine did something incredibly stupid today and you just got us out of certain embarrassment.’

‘You’re welcome! But why are you not resting at home?’

I glared at Johnny.

‘It’s a long story… but I will explain you next time… so what are you doing here?’

‘I am meeting someone for movie…’

‘Oh…boyfriend?’ asked Johnny instinctively.

‘Nah, no boyfriend currently… just a causal friend…’

Then I saw this man walking towards our direction and his hands were holding some drinks. Then it dawned on me that it was the trainee doctor in NUH – Richard See. Somehow, the feeling wasn’t too good.

‘I guess I shouldn’t bother you anymore… enjoy your show?’

‘I will call you later at night … and you could tell me what happened,’ chuckled Angeline before bidding me farewell.

I nodded, before hauling Johnny away with me as I caught him scrutinizing Richard from head to toe, with contempt.

‘Hey! I was trying to warn him to stay away from your Angel,’ exclaimed Johnny as we were taking the escalator down to level three.

I rolled my eyes… again.

‘NO MORE STUPID STUNTS FOR TODAY BEFORE I MURDER YOU OUTRAGEOUSLY!’

Chapter 10

It has been three months since my fateful operation. Surviving on one kidney didn’t seem to invite any further hindrance into my daily life, apart from that subconscious fear of ‘NKF’ glooming at the back of my mind, should my other healthy one fails me.

Life was also wonderful ever since I went back to work. I was promptly downgraded and now dealing with administrative work. The medical officer revealed that if my condition was discovered earlier, I wouldn’t even have gone through all those cheong sua. In retrospect, although regimentation was strict and training was tough, I was glad that I have survived all that was thrown into my path. More importantly, with all the friends I had made during my inaugural journey in BMT and RSAF, it will still be the route I would opt for, should I have a choice.

At the same time, Angeline and I became very good friends… too good to be true actually. I have never picture such possibility of engaging with a member of the opposite gender at that sort of level. It was a breakthrough from previous ‘levels’, almost to a point where I could safety tell myself that I am hopelessly falling for in love with her.

The feeling was mystically intimate yet shrouded with an aura of comfortable serenity – Angeline was emotionally close to me, yet awkwardness has never sunk in.

We never felt weird in each other’s presence.

Today is the day where I had to go to NUH for a medical check-up and we have decided to meet up, since she was just nearby. At first, I was a little reluctant as I was donning my SAF number four uniform and I hated the notion of wearing military attire into public places. I didn’t want Angeline to see me in that NSF state, but I don’t really have any alternatives as I was involved in a mobilization recall and had to go back to camp after my appointment.

I waited placidly at my specialist clinic for her arrival. I put my appointment card in a transparent square box and sat near the reception, knowing that the nurses will call me anytime.

‘Cloud Lin Jiashun…’

‘Yes yes…’

To be frank, I hate people to address me by my full name.

‘Please wait over there; you will need to take blood test.’

SHUCKS!

Moments later, in the midst of drawing blood, my phone rung and instinctively I picked up the call.

‘Where you?’

‘Wah bad timing… I am drawing blood… wait!’

I came out of my room and Angeline was at my 0840hrs position. Because she was so blind, I had to wave frantically to catch her attention. Obviously, my feat attracted some of undue attention and only after she sat beside me (waiting for payment – it was free for civil servant of course), I began to realize why people are staring at us; she was wearing her NYP nurse uniform and I was in my number four. I suspected that it was this combination that fueled the strange aura we exude to outsiders.

Somehow, putting two people in uniform of different settling looked very drastic. I don’t know how to discern this strange phenomenon, but my guess was: neither does people. And so the staring continued with everyone we passed, until somehow it became quite irritable.

Shortly, we left NUH and walked towards the bus stop. I understand that it was home after work for her and luckily, we are on the same direction. Suddenly, I saw this particular NSF wearing number four, in the same bus stop. Likewise, he was observing us.

‘See… everyone is looking at us…’

‘Yah lor… why ar?’

‘Because of our uniform la! You see that guy over there? I bet he must be thinking how on Earth did I managed to hook up a nurse while having my medical appointment.’

We laughed and I could see Angeline stealing a fraction of a second to catch the man’s expression.

‘I am going to tease him?’ I whispered softly to Angeline.

‘How?’

‘Just look shy and bashful. When I give the signal, shake my hand likewise.’

Finishing my statement, I could see Angeline trying to portray that chaste, innocent and virginal expression, which almost swept me off literally (Ok, I swear that wasn’t part of a greater plan to fulfill my possible unconscious fantasy). Regaining myself, I stretched out my hands and we shook, as if I was attempting to know her.

‘Nice to meet you,’ I said, notably loud.

Instantaneously, I could see the NSF’s eyes almost bulged out of its socket; his mind was probably left dangling with exclamation marks and I-don’t-believe-t

his expression. It was simply too hilarious for me to contain and thank goodness, our bus came. We exploded with roaring laughter when the bus left and as again, the undue attention returned.

‘See? I was right! I knew he would react that way!’

‘Maybe it is just him la’

Sigh. Maybe. Actually, I wasn’t surprised at his reaction; national service kind of degenerate our social life - not many girls to know (or ogle) at camps. To stir deeper thoughts; many guys broke up their relationship while serving the nation. Not too sure about the actual reason/s, but perhaps one of it would be the lack of time to spent together like before.

‘And lack of understanding?’

Loyalty to country - the first core value of SAF - but what’s left for these guys is emotional desolation. Loyalty to country probably meant certain degree of personal sacrifice, but I believed this is opened to interpretation. I heard of cases, from my ex-sergeants in BMT, about people gunning themselves over failed relationship. They cannot handle the psychological impact when their girlfriends left and in midst of this madness, folly occurred.

‘So sad…’

In that split second, the image of Vicky slipped into my mental frame. Old memories stirred old wounds; I discovered that I was subconsciously talking about the past; after all, I have always blamed National Service as one of the reasons why Vicky didn’t chose me. However, I finally understood what Johnny’s words meant and why Vicky wasn’t suitable at all.

‘…God is fair; he takes something from you… he will give you something back in the future.’

Perhaps, God had replaced a Guardian Angel, in exchange for a lost kidney… in exchange for Vicky.

Angeline knew about Vicky; I bared my heart to her in our previous conversation. And what I liked about Angeline is the simplicity I enjoyed as I relate myself to her. Maybe liking someone grants you the ability to speak with them along that ‘level’ of communication.

Angeline squeezed my arms gently - it was her way of saying ‘cheer up’.

We reached our destination and soon to be walking in separate directions. Although I was feeling this reluctance to leave her company, but all good things must come to an end.

‘Anyway, my birthday is coming next week… and of course I expect a present from you!’

I just smiled schemingly.

‘Bye bye! I don’t care,’ replied Angeline, as she sticks her tongue out at me while running away ‘I don’t care! BYE!’

Chapter 11

Today is her birthday day… her big day.

And mine too.

Why?

Because, I have decided to charge that hidden affection into action. It was simply too painful trying to keep that suppressed emotions at bay.

I have decided to release that inhibition and to reveal my inner feelings.

I have decided to tell her how much I like her… in my own ways.

Johnny advised me to instill some surprise into my chase; therefore I had told Angeline that I was confined in camp, unable to celebrate her big day with her. To put my conscience at ease, I wasn’t technically lying - I am the duty clerk for today and although I don’t have to stay in, I must be the last to leave after my superiors and everyone else.

The carefully crafted plan was to catch her at her house, try to woo her with flowers and gift before declaring my affection.

‘Sorry Sir, do you still need the printer?’

‘Erm… in fact I do. I may have to print something later.’

‘Ok sir, I shall wait for you.’

I rolled my eyes immediately upon closing the door. What luck! I still have to go home and grabbed my ‘arsenal of weapons’ before rushing to her house. If my Commanding Officer (CO) delayed my plans or worst, ruined them, I would have cursed him with all my might, known languages and vocabularies.

Time ticked maliciously towards 1930hrs and counting – I am flabbergasted by how idle and nonchalant my CO is towards me waiting for him, almost to a point of desperation, to merely print some useless documents (And I don’t even know if it was official or non-official ‘documents’). Come on! How ‘LONG’ does it take to navigate your mouse to the print icon and click it? I have been waiting since 1750hrs! And there wasn’t any news from him? Could he have forgotten about my existence?

‘Hey Lin… never mind about this,’ said CO as he barged into my room and pointed at me, ‘I will print tomorrow. You can lock up everything now.’

SHEESH!

Within a short span of twenty minutes (believe me, that was VERY fast from my squadron to the main road), I was out of my camp waiting for cab. One thing I hate about Sembawang Airbase is the long stretch of walking distance before I could see civilization. And for someone without a car, it’s a daily hassle.

WAH RAO! SUAY MAN! NO TAXI SIA!

To spice things dramatically up; I saw this middle-age lady, with obvious intention trying to cut me in front to cab flagging. Then, I purposely walked in proportion against the distance she traveled towards me. I am leaving NO chance to anyone trying to ruin my big day!

And just when I almost called a cab, one yellow-top cab came.

‘Uncle… Serangoon Central! Quick Quick! Late already…’

A quick check of time revealed 2011 hrs. From the information gathered from our past conversations, I understand that she would reach home before 2230hrs because that was the curfew set by her mum.

I reached home, almost 2035hrs, dashed up to my house and went straight to the bathroom for a shower. As I was donning my Bathing Ape tee and Levis jeans, I was doing a final ‘inventories check’.

Bathed? Checked.

Flowers? Checked.

Gift? Checked.

Card? Checked.

Hair? Checked.

‘Boy ar! Where are you going?’

‘Mum, I going to see a dance performance and the flower is for my friends performing.’

Even an elaborated lie was weaved to counter ANY questioning by mum. I don’t know if she would buy that story, but that was my answer to shut further questioning.

‘WISH ME LUCK!’

Last time check? 2100hrs.

Chapter 12

My heart was pounding and slamming my rib cage repeatedly. The adrenaline flowing in me is like thousands of horses scattering over a vast plateau – the madness was so intense for me that I felt like it had possessed me to do things I normally wouldn’t. It was so powerful that I became another person - all those negative psychological impacts that Vicky has inflicted to me has vanished momentarily, as if being devoured by the passion that has maturated.

I am free. Free from my past bondage to pursue a new future.

Maybe when you released the suppression in you, you get tsunamis. I realized that the built-up energies… those tidal waves can create wonders, if properly utilized and I want to tap on it… I want to be able to love freely, without the burden of my past.

I was waiting at the highest level of her block, albeit it was two levels above her house. Surreptitiously, I was cautiously peering through the metal railing as I could see her if she returned home because she would definitely use this staircase. I gotten this knowledge from Johnny because he stayed near her and this was what he suggested to catch her ‘at that moment’.

I dropped her a SMS; she mentioned that she was on her way home.

‘Ok Cloud… this is your glorious moment ever. Don’t ever lose them!’

Final time checked: 2245hrs. Oh yes, hair checked again.

Although my wait was almost an hour; I felt that time was simply too hasty because there was this significant fear that I may screw things up at last minute and I am trying to overcome it:

What if I sprout some nonsense and turned her off?

Or what if she hated blue roses?

Most importantly: what if I have failed?

What if she rejected me?

I quickly diverted that notion away, deciding that I should just do it and handle the consequence later, should it ended up this way. I hope we could still be friends (somehow I am pretty sure that it wouldn’t be much of a problem), but I could never be too sure.

Then, I heard footsteps.

I peered through the railing for the twelfth times and finally, I caught a glimpse of Angeline. Oh wait… there was a variation to my forecasted plan; someone was with her – a guy. They were taking the stairs down, somewhat one half-level below me.

‘Thanks for the dinner tonight…’

I could barely hear Angeline’s voice, but I have managed to make out some words.

I realized who the guy was when his face was in view; it was Richard See, the trainee doctor.

My heart sank when I saw him reached over and hugged Angeline. I could also see him murmuring something into her ears and they remained in that position for a moment. Angeline’s expression was initially startled, but gradually accepted things that were happening.

My world paused immediately; I was stunned.

If not for the sudden ringing of my mobile and I wouldn’t know how long I would remain in Pluto, fourth dimension, or whatever you called it.

And I guess it was either my ring tone was too loud or the environment was extremely quiet; Angeline probably hear and recognized my ring tone. Before I could regain myself and sped to the lift, she was standing right in front of me, somewhat surprised.

Instantaneously, I could feel my tears bursting from my glands any moments.

‘Happy birthday... Angeline…’ I said meekly, ‘here’s the present I promised you…’

I gave her the gifts and flowers, but secretly tried to keep the card away from sight. But I guess it was pretty futile.

‘Isn’t the card for me too?’ said Angeline as she tried to reach for the card.

‘Actually… no…’

I fled into the lift and hit the close button.

Chapter 13

The call was Johnny; I supposed he was trying to check on my status.

My thumb went over the keypad; I cut his line.

Somehow, I don’t feel like interacting with anyone. I just want to be solitary for a moment to adjust my disrupted flow of thoughts. How could I ever be so stupid not to know that Richard is wooing her the same time as my liking developed? I should have anticipated it when he dated her for movie at Cineleisure, so that I could ‘speed up’ my progression and development.

‘Cloud, you are so are still as fuucking stupid as ever…’

Emotions aside; I tried to be rational and in telling myself that all is fair in love and war. But the more rational and logical I became, the less helpful it was to my esteem and ego. You put a future doctor-to-be: one with great career prospect in life juxtaposed a NSF soldier struggling with a miserable $420 allowance from the army and worrying about his bleak future this in era of economic uncertainty.

Her choice would be obvious.

I was wandering around her neighborhood until I found a playground to sit around. These days, the playgrounds around the estate were devoid of sand and the good-old swings. Kids these days are too protected - so sheltered that even the swings are removed. This is the childhood we get in Singapore. I thought it was pretty redundant because later on in life, these kids are going to get hurt by life anyway. Therefore if you shield the children about the existence of pain, they are going to suffer more during their encounters with ‘hurt’.

This is how I portrayed Love to be; the more I injured myself in the course of finding my mate, the less hurt I felt. Although I know that I was the weakest link, but at the very least, I put up a decent fight, despite knowing that all will crash when the truth is revealed as the decision is made.

Maybe Richard popped the ultimate question in his quiet whisper?

Perhaps today marked their union, as girlfriend and boyfriend. Maybe I should just back out before I sustained more ‘injuries’.

A drop of tear fell from my cheek. It denoted sadness of a defeated warrior, fighting for a lost cause because I was inadequate. My moral and confidence fell sharply as if I was armed with fourth-grade weapon against a formidable foe with state of art weaponry.

‘Why are we training so hard? Why are we pushing you guys to your limit? Because care for soldiers means having to teach them to survive in war and not die in battle! You can’t win the war by dying for your country; you make the other poor bastard die for his. If you are ill-trained or inadequate, you won’t be able to handle the chaos of war or worse, bring death upon yourself or your buddies…’

I remember that was what my platoon commander told us during course. Somehow, it seemed relevant to my situation now.

An SMS came: ‘Where are you?’

It was Angeline.

I was battling the urge to reply her - maybe because I feared to know the truth… her choice..

Another SMS came: I know you are near my house.

A quick check round me discovered nothing.

Ok, this is scary.

Third SMS came: Meet at my void deck of my flat.

I froze on the spot, holding tightly onto my mobile; I didn’t even reply her and she seemed to know my whereabouts and intentions.

Should I meet her?

Chapter 14

My mind sank into anarchy; I had to coerce my feet into walking – they have refused to accept commands from the brain. And I wasn’t thinking right – everything was negative, negative and more negative.

Perhaps it was rude of me to merely run off without bidding farewell, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a replica of my past. I may be accepting failure graciously, but that doesn’t mean I am able to have immunity to hurts. I am still flesh and blood… an average Joe off the street - I do bleed emotionally.

Then I saw Angeline, silhouetted against the light emitted from the lamppost.

My breath grew heavier, with every step I trend forward.

There was no escape for me this time; maybe I should just face my fear.

‘I apologize for running away without saying bye…’

‘Why did you run?’

‘I didn’t run away from you; I ran away from myself.’

‘Why do you even have to run in the first place?’

‘Because… I had to love an Angel, who has better choices outside me… I had to evade and sacrifice myself to a greater cause…’

I saw shimmering tears in Angeline’s eyes; then she dashed towards me and threw me a hug.

‘Why do you think she wouldn’t choose you?’

‘That’s because I understand the theory behind giving the best for the ones you love. I know I am not good enough, but what matters is your happiness – not mine. I will be as equally happy if my Angel is similarly blessed by someone else.’

I felt my eyes becoming watery; I had to look at the night sky to stop the tears from rolling off. Simultaneously, I tried to shape a pseudo-smile, acting as a façade to hide my grief within.

‘Sometimes when we give up, we didn’t know we are so close to succeeding…’

Suddenly, my spirit lifted and I waited for her to continue.

‘…I think that you are the best; would you reserve yourself for me?’

Finishing her words, her lips came to touch mine as I held her hands and clasped it tightly. Kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature when words become superfluous.

Is not a kiss the very autograph of love? Hah!

And Johnny was so damn right – God is fair…God gave me his Angel!

And I knew I had won the battle.


- The end -
(Names have been changed to protect identity)