Chapter 1
I was sweating profusely under the blazing sun. The sun’s piercing rays shone provocatively across the rows of standing humans and I had trouble trying to prevent droplets of sweat from infiltrating into my eyes. To be truthful, I wasn’t feeling well and had initially thought of falling out. But, everybody else was falling out and ironically, ALL these fallen personnel came from my unit. Thank God, the Regimental Sergeant Major yelled out his final command, beseeching us to stand at ease before uttering another command to end my torment. Peering through my blurred vision, I could see him putting a fist in the air – SAF’s way of gathering people.
My first step forward was wobbly and my ear was very much blocked. I thought I could almost hear the movement of my blood cells flowing rapidly through my head.
I swallowed hard as I felt a wholesome weakness engulfing my body, especially this incessant dull aching around the left flank region of my body. I tried to ignore it, but in fact, it was gaining on me.
‘Ok gentleman…’
I couldn’t even wait for him to finish; a shade of darkness clouded over my eyes and I blacked out completely as my body gave in to the searing sun and plain fatigue. I was lying like a defeated soldier, lying at the mercy of circumstances, with my consciousness slipping away every minute.
Then, I felt a shift in altitude; someone carried me on his shoulder and I could hear much commotion rumbling like a faraway crowd. I can sense the vibes from people around my vicinity, whom I suspect to be medics, talking frantically to me, but I couldn’t make out any sense from their blabbering.
‘Wake up!!!!’
I felt someone invading my solar plexus with his hands, attempting to execute pain to teleport me back to reality from the abyss of unconsciousness. My eyelid jerked a little before I narrowly forced opened them.
‘Stopp…. Painnn…’ I murmured meekly.
In this very next moment, I vaguely glanced my surrounding – A doctor was trying to hoist open my heavy eye; I felt a syringe stabbed into my right arm; a needle pricked one finger of my left hand; somebody was unbuttoning my shirt; another fellow trying to take my temperature.
‘His pulse is forty two…’
Praise the lord; I could hear what he was saying, although not exactly loving this medical ordeal.
‘Don’t close your eyes… what’s your name? Can you hear me?’
I was bombarded with questions as if I was struck with amnesia. I pointed to my left flank and signaled to them that there was some dull aching there, however, for some unknown reason, the doctor seemed more interested in checking out my temperature. By now, I was semi-conscious, although extremely debilitated from my concussion.
‘Corporal Lin, next time, when you not feeling well… must sound out. Don’t push yourself too hard.’
The voice came from Tengah Airbase’s RSM. He fatherly touched my forehead and I could see his meticulous concern over someone almost a stranger to him. In the midst of this dizzy chaos, I felt touched emotionally.
After what seemed like eternity (I have severe distortion of time and space within that disoriented frame of mind), I was pushed into a nearby ambulance. The ride was short before I was unloaded and brought into SAFTI Medical center.
Initially, my case was mistaken as heat injury; icepacks were all over my vital points. Yes, I was stripped naked… almost. Together with the blasting air-con, I was literally freezing.
‘I think we over-cooled him…’
What?
‘Standard procedure’… again?
So much for ‘THINKING’ soldiers…zzz
At this point of time, I was very much back to Earth, despite the persisting aching.
‘I think there is an unnatural enlargement here…’ said the Medical Officer as he circled his finger around my left flank region. As soon as he finished his statement, the Medical Officer began to perform palpate their discovery, as if trying to confirm his findings.
‘I think this is a kidney enlargement.’
‘WHAT?’
Chapter 2
I dazed blankly at my bed wall, recalling what happened, before it dawned on me that I was actually medically ill for twenty years. What a ghastly enlightenment!
The doctor diagnosed: I am suffering from Hydronephrosis – a congenital disorder where my ureter (the long, narrow duct that conveys urine from the kidney to the urinary bladder or cloaca) is naturally narrow. Think of this condition like a funnel with narrow tube; water flowed slower, compared to one with a wider tube. Relating back, therefore, years of accumulated fluids were trapped within my left kidney, which causes the enlargement and dull aching I had, unknowingly, over the years. Obviously, the kidney becomes damaged over time.
‘The test has shown that your left kidney only got about 12% function left…’
I freaked out when he revealed my test result. The word ‘NKF’ was flashing maliciously all over my mind. I couldn’t imagine myself going through dialysis and in fact, I would rather choose death.
‘We are born with two kidneys – and we can still survive with one.’
Sigh. A major operation was the final thing I had in mind – the renal specialist proposed that I were to undergo unilateral kidney removing operation, in National University Hospital. Everyday, I prayed for safety, hoping that I could complete my national liabilities without a flinch, but looked at what happen now? I do hear stories like chamber explosion of a M16 rifle that permanently disfigured the poor soldier’s (NSF) face for life. I just want to ORD without problems and get on with my life.
I haven’t even embarked my inaugural journey of life… my higher studies…career… and of course: a decent girlfriend…
So many things listed in my personal billboard and I have yet to achieve them.
How man? What if the operation becomes a failure? What if God wants to bring me back ‘home’ earlier?
I appreciated all my good friends and buddies, who gave words of comfort during this shadowy moment of my life. It was too sudden… too unexpected, even for them to digest mentally when I revealed about my sad medical condition. I needed all sort of positivity to help prepare myself for this coming decisive battle and those little encouragement gave me a lot of determination to banish the ‘what if’.
I came on MSN and was flooded with messages.
I checked my phone and it was flooded with messages.
‘So are you scared?’
It was Johnny – my best buddy since my days in ACS (BR). We were the best of friends since we knew each other. Sports, gaming, fighting, gambling to chasing skirts – there was nothing we didn’t do together or nothing we don’t know about one another.
‘Promise me,’ my voice became serious, ‘if anything were to happen to me, please take care of Vicky….’
‘Gawd!’ exclaimed Johnny, ‘Vicky is already history and you are still pinning over her? And nothing will happen to you lah’
‘You know Johnny, I had never really been in love and she was the closest thing that could paint an example of what Love probably means…’
‘She is, no doubt, a bad example: and you two have never even started!’
I couldn’t respond to his reply. Words choked at where my throat was.
Then I sighed.
‘Listen,’ began Johnny as he put his hands around me, ‘what you experienced is known to the common folks as puppy love. It was pretty ethereal. In fact, it was what we all felt when we were young.’
‘Then how do you know if a Love was substantial?’
‘Vicky wasn’t even genuine in the first place! Come on, she was just unstable.’
‘Sigh… quite difficult to find someone whom is genuine and sincere. I think my situation is worsened by the fact that I am not only NOT good looking, but also unexciting. Think girls just get turned off by me. People probably laugh at me for having blank pages in aspects of love and relationship and now, I am struck with this medical condition where it would be the end of me when my other healthy kidney deteriorates…’
My eyes became watery.
‘Look, your thoughts are running wild because I know you are afraid of tomorrow’s operation. Yes, I understand everything seemed to be going wrong, but reassure that God is fair; he takes something from you… he will give you something back in the future.’
‘I hope you are right…seriously hope so…’
Chapter 3
19 Sep 2005 (Monday), 0900 hrs.
My heart was iron-heavy as I stepped into the vicinity of NUH. The feeling was emphatically uneasy. I went to where I am supposed to report and waited placidly, with mum and dad. There were scores of people waiting, but none had any cheers on their face. The mood was vehemently serious and I was conformed to think that the fear of operation must be universal. These people must be feeling and thinking the same way as I do, or at least along the same direction.
There weren’t any running kids, despite the presence of kids. Even the innocent ones did understand the implication of operation and disciplined themselves. The medical workers were indulging in their work and the patients were just watching boring current affairs on televisions - it was like two separate realms. I see people constantly peering over the electronic queue number and checking out the little slip of paper in their hands, which made me wondered if they are that anxious to get on with what’s in store for them. Many pairs of eyes darted around when there was a ‘beep’ sound, signaling a change in queue. The mood was incredibly intense.
My turn was up and soon, all my administrative issues were processed. I was then wheeled to a given ward - ward 41, bed 25, but was later asked to change to bed 10. What a scenario to begin my nightmare! Perhaps there was some administrative discrepancy, but being the sensitive me, I can’t help but to think that it could be a sign of misfortune. Though I was too mentally preoccupied to invest further thoughts into the mundane, who knows? What if I was only destined to die on that bed? (TOUCH WOOD!)
A quick glance around probably revealed that I was the youngest there. The patients in my wards were probably three times my age.
And of course, there were nurses; student nurses to be precise.
Then, I saw this Nanyang Polytechnic nurse who was speaking to a patient directly opposite me. Actually, she was just being nice by lending a listening ear to his rant because from her body language, I could tell that she was wishing she could quickly flee from this scene and get on with her work. You see, the elderly are usually the loneliest and if they could engage a conversation with someone, they will start telling you their tales, plight or younger-days encounters.
I was grinning from my seeming-intellectual deduction and I think she caught the grin.
Still, my eyes were pretty fixed onto the clock at the top of the far wall. Time was ticking towards the hour of my fated destiny – Soon, a short-syringe was injected into my left wrist and left it dangling - a prelude to any operations.
‘Hi, I am sorry to disturb. I am a student nurse and I need to do your case study.’
It was that NYP nurse. I looked at her with an appraising eye and immediately, she become abashed. Wah rao! Not as if I am going to eat her lor.
‘Ok, go on.’
She began to pound on me with a series of questions, which I thought it was academically-standard sort of school questions. She probably has to sound and appeared professional, but the minor details betrayed the fact that she was in fact a verdant nurse. Her feet were turning inwards and a little shuffling. Her glances were everywhere as if she feared maintaining eye contact (and physical distance) during our conversation and every sentence she said, ended with a shy, girly smile that revealed two deep dimples.
She was petite and had tied her hair up, like all other nurses. Because she was so absorbed in her writing, I could see her eyeliner and nymph-like eyes when her attention shifted to the piece of paper, which I suspected to be her tutorial or internship-based homework. Her hands were perpetually holding the edge of her uniform pocket, taking them out only to jolt my replies. I caught a glance of her name tag, pinned on her chest, which engraved ‘Angeline Leow’.
‘Thanks Angeline.’
She spared another smile and nodded awkwardly, before making an exit.
Reality forced me back after being ‘greeted and welcomed’ by a cute nurse. Later, I was given a set of clothing to change in and after taking my own sweet time; I was no different from the other patients in my ward. Then, the operation bed was ready for me to descend in and prepare for my dreaded journey.
I could see mum praying and dad appearing strong on the exterior.
‘I will be fine!’
I lay on the bed and was wheeled out of my ward. Somehow, it felt like movie scenes where you could picture the protagonist being pushed into the operation room. The vision I captured, which was probably what you would see in cinema: the ceiling with rows of florescence light, medical workers around you pushing the wheeled bed, the riding movements, the pressure and everything else. What it lacked was a sad music to certain impeding doom.
‘Are you scared?’
I was surprised to see Angeline along side with the other medical workers. She was with another NYP nurse, whom I thought that they must be friends. Then, I was pushed into some deserted, empty corridor, which was saturated with biting coldness, before I was parked into one room and waited.
‘Ok lar. So, are you girls following me all the way until my operations finishes?’
Angeline shook her head.
‘We can only observe actual operation during our final year.’
As our conversation flowed, I realized that they are only year one students (17 years old), and having their first internship in NUH. There was some exchange of laughter, which helped me to clear some congregated negative thoughts, before Angeline and the other NYP nurse made their way out.
‘Good luck!’ cheered Angeline.
In return, I winked at her before I was pushed into the operation theater.
Blinding lights were shone directly into my face.
‘Relax; this will make you feel better…’
Chapter 4
19 Sep 2005 (Monday), 2000 Hrs
I sensed the presence of people gathering near me.
I heard deep murmurs uttering in some corners.
Like breaking of dawn, I managed to force open my eyelid for two seconds before it shut abruptly on me. Within that short span of time, I could catch glimpses of familiar assemblage stationed around my bed.
‘Thanks for coming…’
I couldn’t even put up ample resistance against the overwhelming lingering effect of anesthesia and also the debilitation effect from the operation. What you do expect from a major operation like mine? To remove one whole freaking kidney and leaving you with one! I do understand that people could still continue their living with one kidney, but trust me, nothing is like before.
My thoughts were tired and my subconscious suggested that I should get some quality sleep. I heeded the call and went into a deep trance.
The next moment when I peered opened my eyes, everyone had left.
20 Sep 2005 (Tuesday), 0730 hrs
The morning awakened in quiet serenity.
Finally, I took a careful study around the vicinity of my ward area and realized that there were couples of aesthetically-wel
‘Hey! Don’t do that! It’s very dangerous! Next time please call me or other missy to help you!’
It was Angeline. I was so absorbed in testing out my current physical condition that I didn’t know she had arrived for work.
‘Hey Cloud! We came yesterday, but you were sleeping… didn’t want to disturb you, so we wrote this letter just to tell you that we came. Take care dude! Must recover fast ok? =)’
Seriously, those warming words felt wholesome.
The effect of anesthesia gradually abated and somehow, I felt like puking. I don’t know if it was the ‘norm’, but it felt uneasy and nauseating - closed to having a hangover. At the same time, I felt ubiquitous bodily pain, especially where the tubes were inserted. I finally understood how it felt to be bedridden and sickly and how, especially those sick aged, felt when they become an emotional and financial burden to people who cared for them.
‘Well, at least I lived through and will recover…’
As I was dwelling in my train of thoughts, student nurses started streaming in; doing their routine checks. And I saw my ‘nurse-in charge’ Angeline – her lips shaped a smile, before moving towards my direction.
‘How are you feeling today?’
‘Not so good, but still manageable…’
We chatted causally as Angeline proceeded with taking my temperature, checking my blood pressure and pulse rate. Satisfied with her findings, she drew out her pen and recorded the results.
‘Your BP a bit higher than norm…’
‘Huh? Really?’
‘Don’t worry! Not a problem actually. A little bit only… and ah… yesterday, your family and friends got visit you… you know?’
I nodded my head.
‘All these hampers and cards are gifts from them... so good… I also want…’
‘You want the gift… but I think you don’t want to be lying here…’
As a natural response, we laughed and immediately, I felt a vicious jerk-pain in the left flank region where I was operated. What? I couldn’t even laugh?
‘Hey!’ admonished Angeline, ‘you had just finished your operation. Don’t laugh! Hold your wounds when you laugh or cough. Ok, talk to you later…’
Finishing the conversation, I closed my eyes and descended into another deep sleep. Seriously, there was nothing I could do except to sleep. Furthermore, at the weakest state of health, my body needed the rest to rejuvenate itself and accelerate healing. I was only awakened at intervals when the nurses have to take my temperature, blood pressure and pulse rate (standard procedure). Usually it was Angeline who attended to me, but when she was busy, then someone else would.
20 Sep 2005 (Tuesday), 1230 hrs
Lunch was boring. I couldn’t consume solid food, so my lunch consisted of soup, jelly and apple juice. My jaws dropped when I was told that it will be the same until I get better. Though fortunately, I had no appetite to begin with, but it wasn’t my kind of idea of filling the stomach.
‘Why don’t want already? Must eat… then will recover fast…’
I actually had to be coaxed by Angeline to take my lunch. Somehow, the food just repulsed me and after about six spoon of soup, I gave up. I don’t know why, but it seemed that energies in my body were unstable; I just felt I needed to sleep through until I get better. Then I got frustrated with myself, on why I was born with such kidney defects and poor health.
My mood became that of a cranky old man - depression is definitely easy target for the sick. If it wasn’t because of Angeline’s euphoric deposition, hospital is surely a gloomy atmosphere. Every hourly check, her action and words seemed so gentle and delicate that it wouldn’t surprise me if she sets other male patients’ hormones raging, especially those with nurse-fetish like Johnny. Haha! (To be frank, I was too indulged in pain to be thinking along that line).
‘Hey! I will be going off! See you tomorrow! And hor, don’t do silly things…. Call the other nurse ah! Don’t naughty… don’t want anything to happen to you…’
Time sped through quickly; it was three O’clock - the time when the next shift of internship students will take over the morning shift. Guess I would have to wait until tomorrow before I could see her again.
Chapter 5
20 Sep 2005 (Tuesday), 2300hrs
I hit the call bell and signaled to the nurse I needed to pass urine. You see, since I cannot get around, my only solution is to pee in a can… ever since I requested them to remove the accursed bladder tube. And talking about bladder tube; that was the closest thing to hell anyone could endure… only applicable to guys.
The pain delivered from an external tube attached to a man’s vital organ screamed an unspeakable, excruciating suffering that only those who have been through would sympathize. No words could describe my ordeal. I have never felt so much pain before.
For some reason, the Filipino nurse unlatched my bed’s safety bar, thinking I wanted to go to the gents.
Gawd! I can’t even get up… let alone having to walk myself to the gents. Literally after rolling my eyes, I told her I needed a pee can instead. Looking slightly annoyed, she returned with what I wanted and left in a huff.
‘So much for foreign ‘talents’…’
I finished my personal business and returned her the can (containing generous amount of my waste), before settling myself for another bout of sleep. And yes, she has apparently forgotten to latch the safety mechanism back into position, but I couldn’t care less as it would be impossible for me to fall off anyway.
Suddenly, a thought stuck me and I decided to play a bet with myself.
‘Angeline will latch it back when she comes for work at 7 plus…’
All through the night, I tossed and turned as much as I could maneuver myself without causing a pain reaction. In fact, there was a stinging pain around my abdominal region that was hindering me from resting. It felt like something was eating me inside out. Oh no, what could have happened? Could be complication?
I checked time – it was only 4.00 a.m. in the morning.
I bit my lips, clenched my fists, counted sheep, prayed, negotiated with my body and did everything else I could just to force myself back to sleep.
‘Come on Cloud, you will recover well… endure…’
‘Come rest…and sleep… you are getting sleepy…ignore the pain… just sleep…’
21 Sep 2005 (Wednesday), 0730 hrs
‘Cling Clank’
I was rudely awakened by the sounds of metals and natural response caused me to break my sleep mode immediately. Regain focus, I saw Angeline standing beside my bed, looking terribly apologetic.
‘Oh, I am so sorry… did I wake you up?’
I looked at what she was doing and realized I was right; she secured my bed, exactly what like what I had predicted. I checked the time, it was seven plus.
‘Hey, why are you grinning?’
‘You know something? Yesterday when the nurse unsecured my bed and leave it that way, I was SO sure that you would be the one who will secure it for me the next day when you see it. Great, you didn’t disappoint me.’
Angeline’s cheek flushed with slight redness and beamed into a girly smile.
‘Aiyo… I am your nurse mah… got responsibility over you…’
I raised my finger and draw a horizon across the ward.
‘Every single one of them came before you… but I was so sure it was you… interesting isn’t it?’
Angeline’s smile deepened and sank two visible dimples. Then she puts the clinical thermometer into my mouth and proceeded take my pulse rate. I don’t know why, but I looked fixedly at her while she counted my pulse rate silently. Every time when her gaze caught mine, she would smile bashfully and moved her sight elsewhere for a moment, before coming back to mine and repeat that cycle again.
‘Why are you looking at me?’
‘Angeline, you are so serious…I wanted to disturb your sequence of counting thoughts.’
‘Don’t be mean!’
We laughed.
‘Will come and talk to you later,’ said Angeline as she winked at me.
I elevated my bed higher and quietly observed Angeline as she worked. I discovered that she has a habit of washing her hands… once every three to four times she entered into my ward. Maybe she was particular about cleanliness or it could be NUH hygiene directives. Whatever it was, all I knew was, every time Angeline came into my ward, my sight never leave her until she disappeared from my vision.
‘Damn…I better stop looking at her that way before it gets out of hand…’
‘Hey kidney boy… how are you feeling?’
It was Johnny, with one assorted basket of fruits.
‘Yeah, surviving still…’
‘You are a lucky bastard…’ whispered Johnny cautiously, almost feared being heard, ‘I surveyed through all the nurses in your level and your nurse ranked the highest, in my gorgeous meter.’
‘Hahahahahhaha… gorgeous meter?’
‘That’s what I mean by God is fair; you went through a health crisis, you get a pretty nurse to serve you? Ain’t God fair?’
I couldn’t help but to laugh at his theory and unfounded deduction. I mean, to me, there wasn’t any significant connection. In exchange for ONE kidney, you get ONE cute nurse for four days? That’s such a bad trade.
We chatted for a while, before Johnny had to rush off for work. Sigh! I was brought back to loneliness, again.
21 Sep 2005 (Wednesday), 1430 hrs
‘Say something bad about me right?’ said Angeline as she came over my bed.
‘Why would you say that?’
‘Your friend kept looking over my direction… must be you… talking about me…’
Maybe Angeline was just being self conscious, but in the midst of this conversation, I realized that she was actually observing me like the way I do for her. I mean, it’s amusing and it says much about someone to have that someone telling you something which you overlooked or has never mattered to you in the first place.
‘No lar, my friend thought that you were cute…’
‘Siao… ’
Somehow, Singaporean ladies are not receptive to compliments. Their initial respond to a complement is to reject that complement verbally and accepting it emotionally. Maybe it is because of Asian values/culture where we are psychologically bred to practice humility. Or maybe we are so focused on what’s so unlovable about us that when someone says something nice, we are unable to accept the notion that we are actually lovable.
‘Hey, when are you discharging?’
‘On Thursday I think? That’s what the doctor told me, provided there is no complication…’
‘Aiyo… stay one more day lah! My internship ends on Friday… so you can repay me by accompanying me until it ends…’
Excuse me? Me accompanying you? Since when has it ‘become’ that way? Accompanying? It seemed that I have been promoted from a nurse-patient relationship to that of a friendship.
‘Cause can chat with you what… can help me to kill time faster…’
‘Don’t think it’s up to me to decide though… we shall see…’
Then I saw mum entering hastily into my ward, carrying newspapers and magazines.
‘Your mum is here,’ whispered Angeline, ‘I will exit myself to the bed beside yours…’
‘Boy ah! Mum has brought you some things to read so that you won’t feel so bored in here…’
‘Thanks mum…’
‘You know, mum is working on Friday and nobody is at home to take care of you. I was thinking of extending your stay by one day, although ah ma wanted to come up and take care of you…’
‘It’s ok mum, don’t want to trouble ah ma… aiya… no need lah! I can take care of myself…’
‘Cannot! You just went through a major operation, how can you move around? And I don’t want you to eat rubbish food outside… after operation cannot anyhow eat…’
‘Doctor says I can eat anything…’
‘Doctor says is doctor says… Chinese always very particular about food intake… you will listen to your mum…’
I think Angeline overheard our conversation. I causally looked over and caught her giggling to herself.
‘Yes mum…’
Chapter 6
22 Sep 2005 (Thursday), 0830
A panel of doctors (trainee and regular ones) came over my bed and inspected me, asking about my general well-being. Seizing the chance, I told them about my sudden acute pain last night and after some discussion, they suspected it to be Gastric.
‘…Damn the Gastric…’
Satisfied with my improving condition, those unnecessary tubes were removed from my body – another set of agony, especially the tube connected to the region of my non-existence-lef
Today marked the fourth day and a weird phenomenon is surfacing - somewhere within my psyche, I was actually not looking forward to leave NUH. I seemed to be growing a progressive attachment to the hospital and something is fuelling this strange vibes that is gaining rapidly on me.
I don’t know what has gotten to me but it has reached to a boiling point where I could see myself feeling depressed about leaving NUH. Even just thinking about it made me low.
From where I was, I could see Angeline, chatting happily with the other trainee nurses, oblivious to me stealing occasional looks at her. And surprisingly, I realized I wasn’t the only one ‘spying’ her: one of the male trainee doctors, attending to me, was doing exactly the same thing - his eyes blatantly betrayed him. And yes, he was ‘caught’ by me.
Guess I was the last patient in their round check; this male trainee doctor went over to where Angeline was and spoke to her. From where I was, obviously I couldn’t make out what their conversation was, but after he has spoken, the other nurses broke into shy giggling, mixed with a little shuffling and soft cheering.
I couldn’t see my petite nurse as he was obstructing my line of sight and somehow, I don’t feel good about this.
22 Sep 2005, (Thursday), 1000
‘Haha… you got no choice but to stay here with me and let me take care of you one more day…’
Taking care of me? Hello? More like me helping her to burn off the ‘slower’ period of her working hours. I mean… just look around my ward: everyone IS at least three times her age - who else could have the ability to connect her world and thoughts as easily as I do?
‘Ya… like real…’
‘Well, unless you are talking about trainee doctors… like the guy who went over and talk cork with you earlier just now…?’
‘You mean Richard? Don’t anyhow think… he is just being friendly…’
‘Yeah I agreed… just extra friendly to specific people…’
‘Why you…’ whispered Angeline softly as she took out the thermometer from my lips and came close to my ears, ‘…so jealous?’
With that, she broke into a suppressed laughter.
Jealous? Me? That’s crazy.
Over who? Her? That’s madness.
On what basis? Undefined liking? That’s insane.
Then, a sudden disruption interrupted our conversation; an old man (bed beside mine) fell off his bed. Almost instantaneously, Angeline and one other nurse came over to help him up.
‘Uncle! How can you move around like this? Must call missy to help you!! You cannot afford to fall again, you know? Very dangerous!!!’
I could almost see Angeline bursting into tears as she admonished him; Angeline seemed terrified by what had happened to the old man, who was also under her care like myself. She stood there motionlessly, while putting a hand across her mouth and I could see liquid amassing near her eyes.
Grabbing my box of tissue lying quietly on my table (my mum bought it for me the other day), I walked over and placed it gently on her shoulder, with her back facing me.
Then, Angeline ran out of the ward, without even turning her head over.
‘Wah piang…so much for being a gentleman…’
She came back a while later, looking slightly embarrassed.
‘Did I cause a scene?’
‘No you didn’t… but you rejected my good will…’
‘Oh my gawd… you have seen me cry le!’
‘You are too emotional… I mean, such things do happen in a hospital setting, don’t they?…’
‘Ya I know, but when I see elderly falling to their knees, it pricks my heart so badly that I would just cry…’
That was WAY too angelic!
‘Anyway,’ said Angeline, ‘thanks for your tissue. Appreciated that thought…really…’
Chapter 7
23 Sep 2005 (Friday), 0700 Hrs
The morning arrived and I didn’t sleep very much throughout the endless night. My mind was like resisting my every attempt to put myself into sleep mode. Chaotic thoughts were saturating my mind, made up of incongruence pieces and formation of ill feelings.
Somehow, I have grown customized to the hospital beds, the constant service, the stale food, and of course, my ‘personal’ nurse. By the looks of it, it seemed that I only have a couple of hours more before this person would disappear from my life…unless…
‘Wah rao… ask for contact number? Sure reject one lor… she is a nurse and I am her patient leh…’
‘If you don’t ask, that would be the end of your ‘relationship’ with her – be it nurse-patient relationship or even friendship…’
‘But…but…how am I supposed to request? That would be hell of an awkward situation…and imagine if she rejects me outrageously, then how? Leap out of the window and commit suicide?’
‘Cloud… why are you thinking so much? Just DO first and FEEL later…’
Hmm… do first and feel later? It sounded like a good strategy to adopt. Maybe the first step to this strategy is to decide when will be the right moment to pop the question?
HOW MAN? I SUCK AT THIS!
Not resigning to my fate, I stared at the ceiling wall, praying to God to provide me some viable solutions, for time is ticking furiously and she would be here for work soon enough. I congregated all my human resource - mental focus, decision making ability, crisis management skills, probability calculation, spiritual assistance and rally of courage – into one powerful surge of energy flowing inside of me.
‘This must succeed…this must succeed… this must succeed…’
Then my object of desire arrived… and the formidable energy, that I could probably rule the world with, dissipated simultaneously.
‘Ok, I am dead…’
‘Wah… you woke up so early?’
‘…’
Angeline raised her brow, not expecting that sort of silence from me. She smiled, before proceeding with her usual standard procedure.
My emotions were intense, which cause my heartbeat to escalate and I wondered if she could detect the ‘abnormality’ when she checked my pulse.
‘Why man? You are weird today…’
‘Erm…’
‘Yes?’
‘Erm… erm…’
‘Go on…?’
‘… Since today is our last day… and erm… probably we won’t see each other ever again… I was wondering… if… erm… we could still remain friends… after my hospitalization?’
I swore my heart almost jumped out after I said what I had just said eight seconds ago. What was worst was that: there was a pause. And this pause had seemingly brought me into an alternative dimension and got me trapped into some pocket of time, which spelled eternity.
‘Yes… we will…’
With that, she stepped out of the ward to indulge in her work outside. Apparently, she seemed busy.
‘Siao liao lah… ask also don’t know how to ask properly… what does that mean man…’
23 Sep 2005 (Friday) 1245 hrs
I was packing my stuff as the time for me to leave hovered around the corner. Then I realized that my red Crumpler bag is barely enough to store all the goodies given from my friends and relatives and I had to squeeze the hell out of my poor bag.
Following that, I sat at my bed for the last time and surveyed my surrounding. Mum had called my mobile a while ago and said she would arrive in five minutes time. Interestingly, I was secretly praying that she would be late.
Actually, I didn’t really see Angeline around my ward as much as I would like to and as much as she usually do.
I guess I just blew it.
Well… nothing much to expect for an average Joe like myself. I don’t think I am in any position to make demands. She has to be professional as well. I supposed I wasn’t the first… neither would I be the last guy to make such request.
‘Son… are you ready?’
‘Yeah… ready to return back to reality…’ I murmured.
‘HUH?’
‘Nothing… let’s go…’
As I was leaving my ward, instinctively, I felt an aura towards my left. I causally look over and saw Angeline grinning at me.
‘Give me a moment mum…’
Angeline strolled causally towards me, with hands in her uniform pockets as I went towards her direction simultaneously.
We stopped in our tracks, after we have reached an approximate forty centimeter distance between one another. Angeline had exuded such sweet presence that she stirred my heart just by standing so close to her.
‘Hey Angel… thanks for everything… I will never forget how your care accelerate my healing…’
Suddenly, Angeline did something that caught me unprepared; she reached for my hands and took them to her side. Then she placed her palm over mine, before wrapping it up with my fingers. I felt something inside my hands, somewhat like a folded piece of paper.
‘Don’t mention it…’ replied Angeline, before she ‘returned’ my hands and I could see her blushing.
We exchanged our final smile.
Chapter 8
‘… And that’s how she gave you her contact number?’ asked Johnny, almost in disbelieved.
I nodded, with a sense of triumph.
‘Oh my goodness! Goodness gracious me! Something impossible happened: you managed to hook up a girl? And such a pretty one?’
‘What are you thinking man? We are just friends lar! You talk as if it was some kind of ONS rendezvous…’
‘Ok, got to go now! I need to work harder…’
Immediately, MSN prompted me that Johnny went offline. Probably only God knows what he’s up to – my best bet would be him dating his latest (if available) fling or planning his art of seduction.
It has been a week since the days in NUH and my health was indeed improving. I was also granted a hefty thirty five days MC, albeit it was actually considered pretty meager for a serious condition like mine. Simply put; no work for one whole freaking month! What could be better than that? Being paid for me to REST at home and hit my Warcraft 3. Haha!
As for Angeline, we communicated briefly via SMS… and that’s about it. In fact, the second day after I was discharged, she mentioned that she has apparently forgotten how I looked like.
‘Wah rao… I am SO insignificant… sigh…’
Maybe all along, it was just me? Perhaps she was just courteous to exchange contacts, looking for and based on a simple friendship. Period. Perhaps I knew this right from the beginning, but my mind could have refused to accept reality. How could it ever be me? How could it ever be? Even Vicky… even my past has proven to me that I am bestowed with such ill fate… that Love perpetually eluded me and never will I be able to grasp it completely in my grip.
I hate my destiny… I hate being so insignificant. How could I ever brandish confidence like how Johnny expressed himself? He’s not very good looking, but girls adored him. It’s an enigma on how he appealed to them and this is something I could never discern.
Perhaps I was just too… honest… in dealing with girls. Those ‘vital’ qualities that existed in Johnny were missing in me. Or maybe it was found in my subconscious, but I have yet to tap on those unseen powers. Girls these days don’t really appreciate guys like me – the classic guys - which was probably why Vicky chose another man and displaced me.
I don’t blame Vicky for her decision, because that guy is indeed much better than me. His ability to cater to her needs and to provide happiness surpassed me. I could only provide the rudimentary or the inadequate and that could potentially give rise to conflicts and possible arguments if she were to choose me instead.
In comparison, it was like LV against Giordano or Crystal Jade against cookhouse food.
I guess the brush of fate with Vicky had dealt a mortally death blow to my ego and self esteem.
I am unable to restore my original self, where I held great dreams and hopes of Love.
I am tainted.
Sigh.
Chapter 9
Johnny proposed to chill out in town before the sun sets. Although I was feeling quite reluctant, I thought that a causal walk would be benefic for my recovery. To be truthful, I still feel the pain whenever a wicked sneeze caught me by surprise or if I did something drastic that stretched my abdominal region. But wasting myself at home isn’t something I fancy; furthermore, how long could anyone spend their time playing Warcraft 3? Personally, I know some people have this ability to game their life away, but I have grown to detest such life within two weeks of personal experience.
Then I uncovered the truth; there was actually a secondary agenda to his proposal; he was planning to meet his latest fling he got to flirt around with in the internet. And he actually wanted me to be around to rally some courage.
‘This is so stupid… do you even know how she looks like?’
‘Nope… but we have talked on the phone before… she sounded so sweet on phone…’
‘So you are presuming that she will look as good as her voice?’
‘It’s a risk I am taking Cloud…’
‘And what if she doesn’t appear as good?’
‘Ah! That’s when we will quietly exit ourselves and leave…’
I was quite astonished by his reply; that was so mean and shallow of him. And I am actually part of this operation? His evil accomplice?
‘Ok you see…,’ began Johnny, ‘we agreed that we would come alone… but I brought you along so that she wouldn’t know that ‘I am Johnny’. At first sight of disappointment, I would signal you and we would just walk off somewhere…’
I rolled my eyes.
We were at the sixth level of Cineleisure; where the movies theaters where located. And we were just sitting around some couches waiting for the advent of his blind date. For the plan to ‘succeed’ – we have to be constantly talking to each other, as if we are either waiting for the movies to begin or waiting for someone. Johnny began to rattle about how he got to know her, their conversation and all sort of mundane stuff that I am not particularly interested in. My mind was sealed after he told me about this crazy plan of his.
Maybe I am just a prude; I don’t fancy bad pranks.
Suddenly, a group of people sitting around the couches stood up and walked towards the theater; my guess was that their movie was about to start. I causally looked around and realized that apart from us, there were two women, obviously friends, sitting directly opposite us.
‘Sheesh… I think one of them is her…’ whispered Johnny.
These two women weren’t particularly good looking. Knowing him so well, in fact, I doubt Johnny would be interested in anyone of them. Then Johnny pointed to the nearest escape – the escalator - suggesting that we should flee as soon as possible, witnessing the change of tide and triggering the contingency plan.
It was cracking the hell out of me because if Johnny was right and one of them was indeed his blind date, it goes to show how ridiculous this whole online-#%#* is about. People are just narcissistic and self absorbed – unable to look beyond the surface to causally know a new friend or something…. everything is sadly based on physical looks.
Then the two women, too, got up from their seats and apparently, there were behind us.
‘Oh no… I think that they are tailing us! Ok level four! Quick turned left into the arcade.’
I regretted not bringing my Oakley half jacket shade; I am so embarrassed by this whole scenario and swore to myself that I will never ever let this happen to me, again.
‘Ok… must remember to change some tokens…let’s act normally…’
The women were still behind us. I suspected that they knew one of us was Johnny and there was a possibility that they would approach us to confirm their suspicion.
Then, in midst of this mindless fast-paced chaos, there was this girl, hanging near the entrance of the arcade, with her back facing us. And when she turned around and our gaze caught each other; I was stunned.
‘Angeline?’
Her eyes were startled, but gradually soften into her usual sweet feminine doe-eyes. Even though she mentioned that she has apparently forgotten how I looked like, but when I am presented to her in reality, she recognized this familiarity immediately. Johnny was frozen in this track to change some tokens as he was considering this ‘new circumstances’. Then, at the corner of my eyes, the two women were maliciously closing in on us. I was staring at Johnny and I could see a change of plan weaving above his head. It was so transparent to me that I knew what he was thinking.
‘Angeline! So you are at the arcade? We were waiting for you at level six.’
And before I allowed Angeline to exude any puzzling expression, I went up to her, shielding her expression from the oncoming ‘danger’ behind us.
‘I need a favor; just act along with what I have to say,’ I whispered.
Angeline knowingly looked at me and smiled.
‘Of course,’ she replied notably loud, ‘I have forgotten to bring my mobile and when you people change the venue, obviously I wasn’t informed.’
‘Yeah man,’ chipped Johnny, almost wanting the whole world to hear, ‘we are sorry!’
The women then stopped behind us. I could see them having a mutual discussion and my guess was that there were deciding if the guys they were ‘pursuing’ was the man they were looking for. I wasn’t sure if they would buy our ‘tale’, but our conversation continued, as if were we planning to meet Angeline.
Shortly, they left.
‘Phew. Thank God…’ exasperated Johnny.
‘I am sorry Angeline; this arse-friend of mine did something incredibly stupid today and you just got us out of certain embarrassment.’
‘You’re welcome! But why are you not resting at home?’
I glared at Johnny.
‘It’s a long story… but I will explain you next time… so what are you doing here?’
‘I am meeting someone for movie…’
‘Oh…boyfriend?’ asked Johnny instinctively.
‘Nah, no boyfriend currently… just a causal friend…’
Then I saw this man walking towards our direction and his hands were holding some drinks. Then it dawned on me that it was the trainee doctor in NUH – Richard See. Somehow, the feeling wasn’t too good.
‘I guess I shouldn’t bother you anymore… enjoy your show?’
‘I will call you later at night … and you could tell me what happened,’ chuckled Angeline before bidding me farewell.
I nodded, before hauling Johnny away with me as I caught him scrutinizing Richard from head to toe, with contempt.
‘Hey! I was trying to warn him to stay away from your Angel,’ exclaimed Johnny as we were taking the escalator down to level three.
I rolled my eyes… again.
‘NO MORE STUPID STUNTS FOR TODAY BEFORE I MURDER YOU OUTRAGEOUSLY!’
Chapter 10
It has been three months since my fateful operation. Surviving on one kidney didn’t seem to invite any further hindrance into my daily life, apart from that subconscious fear of ‘NKF’ glooming at the back of my mind, should my other healthy one fails me.
Life was also wonderful ever since I went back to work. I was promptly downgraded and now dealing with administrative work. The medical officer revealed that if my condition was discovered earlier, I wouldn’t even have gone through all those cheong sua. In retrospect, although regimentation was strict and training was tough, I was glad that I have survived all that was thrown into my path. More importantly, with all the friends I had made during my inaugural journey in BMT and RSAF, it will still be the route I would opt for, should I have a choice.
At the same time, Angeline and I became very good friends… too good to be true actually. I have never picture such possibility of engaging with a member of the opposite gender at that sort of level. It was a breakthrough from previous ‘levels’, almost to a point where I could safety tell myself that I am hopelessly falling for in love with her.
The feeling was mystically intimate yet shrouded with an aura of comfortable serenity – Angeline was emotionally close to me, yet awkwardness has never sunk in.
We never felt weird in each other’s presence.
Today is the day where I had to go to NUH for a medical check-up and we have decided to meet up, since she was just nearby. At first, I was a little reluctant as I was donning my SAF number four uniform and I hated the notion of wearing military attire into public places. I didn’t want Angeline to see me in that NSF state, but I don’t really have any alternatives as I was involved in a mobilization recall and had to go back to camp after my appointment.
I waited placidly at my specialist clinic for her arrival. I put my appointment card in a transparent square box and sat near the reception, knowing that the nurses will call me anytime.
‘Cloud Lin Jiashun…’
‘Yes yes…’
To be frank, I hate people to address me by my full name.
‘Please wait over there; you will need to take blood test.’
SHUCKS!
Moments later, in the midst of drawing blood, my phone rung and instinctively I picked up the call.
‘Where you?’
‘Wah bad timing… I am drawing blood… wait!’
I came out of my room and Angeline was at my 0840hrs position. Because she was so blind, I had to wave frantically to catch her attention. Obviously, my feat attracted some of undue attention and only after she sat beside me (waiting for payment – it was free for civil servant of course), I began to realize why people are staring at us; she was wearing her NYP nurse uniform and I was in my number four. I suspected that it was this combination that fueled the strange aura we exude to outsiders.
Somehow, putting two people in uniform of different settling looked very drastic. I don’t know how to discern this strange phenomenon, but my guess was: neither does people. And so the staring continued with everyone we passed, until somehow it became quite irritable.
Shortly, we left NUH and walked towards the bus stop. I understand that it was home after work for her and luckily, we are on the same direction. Suddenly, I saw this particular NSF wearing number four, in the same bus stop. Likewise, he was observing us.
‘See… everyone is looking at us…’
‘Yah lor… why ar?’
‘Because of our uniform la! You see that guy over there? I bet he must be thinking how on Earth did I managed to hook up a nurse while having my medical appointment.’
We laughed and I could see Angeline stealing a fraction of a second to catch the man’s expression.
‘I am going to tease him?’ I whispered softly to Angeline.
‘How?’
‘Just look shy and bashful. When I give the signal, shake my hand likewise.’
Finishing my statement, I could see Angeline trying to portray that chaste, innocent and virginal expression, which almost swept me off literally (Ok, I swear that wasn’t part of a greater plan to fulfill my possible unconscious fantasy). Regaining myself, I stretched out my hands and we shook, as if I was attempting to know her.
‘Nice to meet you,’ I said, notably loud.
Instantaneously, I could see the NSF’s eyes almost bulged out of its socket; his mind was probably left dangling with exclamation marks and I-don’t-believe-t
‘See? I was right! I knew he would react that way!’
‘Maybe it is just him la’
Sigh. Maybe. Actually, I wasn’t surprised at his reaction; national service kind of degenerate our social life - not many girls to know (or ogle) at camps. To stir deeper thoughts; many guys broke up their relationship while serving the nation. Not too sure about the actual reason/s, but perhaps one of it would be the lack of time to spent together like before.
‘And lack of understanding?’
Loyalty to country - the first core value of SAF - but what’s left for these guys is emotional desolation. Loyalty to country probably meant certain degree of personal sacrifice, but I believed this is opened to interpretation. I heard of cases, from my ex-sergeants in BMT, about people gunning themselves over failed relationship. They cannot handle the psychological impact when their girlfriends left and in midst of this madness, folly occurred.
‘So sad…’
In that split second, the image of Vicky slipped into my mental frame. Old memories stirred old wounds; I discovered that I was subconsciously talking about the past; after all, I have always blamed National Service as one of the reasons why Vicky didn’t chose me. However, I finally understood what Johnny’s words meant and why Vicky wasn’t suitable at all.
‘…God is fair; he takes something from you… he will give you something back in the future.’
Perhaps, God had replaced a Guardian Angel, in exchange for a lost kidney… in exchange for Vicky.
Angeline knew about Vicky; I bared my heart to her in our previous conversation. And what I liked about Angeline is the simplicity I enjoyed as I relate myself to her. Maybe liking someone grants you the ability to speak with them along that ‘level’ of communication.
Angeline squeezed my arms gently - it was her way of saying ‘cheer up’.
We reached our destination and soon to be walking in separate directions. Although I was feeling this reluctance to leave her company, but all good things must come to an end.
‘Anyway, my birthday is coming next week… and of course I expect a present from you!’
I just smiled schemingly.
‘Bye bye! I don’t care,’ replied Angeline, as she sticks her tongue out at me while running away ‘I don’t care! BYE!’
Chapter 11
Today is her birthday day… her big day.
And mine too.
Why?
Because, I have decided to charge that hidden affection into action. It was simply too painful trying to keep that suppressed emotions at bay.
I have decided to release that inhibition and to reveal my inner feelings.
I have decided to tell her how much I like her… in my own ways.
Johnny advised me to instill some surprise into my chase; therefore I had told Angeline that I was confined in camp, unable to celebrate her big day with her. To put my conscience at ease, I wasn’t technically lying - I am the duty clerk for today and although I don’t have to stay in, I must be the last to leave after my superiors and everyone else.
The carefully crafted plan was to catch her at her house, try to woo her with flowers and gift before declaring my affection.
‘Sorry Sir, do you still need the printer?’
‘Erm… in fact I do. I may have to print something later.’
‘Ok sir, I shall wait for you.’
I rolled my eyes immediately upon closing the door. What luck! I still have to go home and grabbed my ‘arsenal of weapons’ before rushing to her house. If my Commanding Officer (CO) delayed my plans or worst, ruined them, I would have cursed him with all my might, known languages and vocabularies.
Time ticked maliciously towards 1930hrs and counting – I am flabbergasted by how idle and nonchalant my CO is towards me waiting for him, almost to a point of desperation, to merely print some useless documents (And I don’t even know if it was official or non-official ‘documents’). Come on! How ‘LONG’ does it take to navigate your mouse to the print icon and click it? I have been waiting since 1750hrs! And there wasn’t any news from him? Could he have forgotten about my existence?
‘Hey Lin… never mind about this,’ said CO as he barged into my room and pointed at me, ‘I will print tomorrow. You can lock up everything now.’
SHEESH!
Within a short span of twenty minutes (believe me, that was VERY fast from my squadron to the main road), I was out of my camp waiting for cab. One thing I hate about Sembawang Airbase is the long stretch of walking distance before I could see civilization. And for someone without a car, it’s a daily hassle.
WAH RAO! SUAY MAN! NO TAXI SIA!
To spice things dramatically up; I saw this middle-age lady, with obvious intention trying to cut me in front to cab flagging. Then, I purposely walked in proportion against the distance she traveled towards me. I am leaving NO chance to anyone trying to ruin my big day!
And just when I almost called a cab, one yellow-top cab came.
‘Uncle… Serangoon Central! Quick Quick! Late already…’
A quick check of time revealed 2011 hrs. From the information gathered from our past conversations, I understand that she would reach home before 2230hrs because that was the curfew set by her mum.
I reached home, almost 2035hrs, dashed up to my house and went straight to the bathroom for a shower. As I was donning my Bathing Ape tee and Levis jeans, I was doing a final ‘inventories check’.
Bathed? Checked.
Flowers? Checked.
Gift? Checked.
Card? Checked.
Hair? Checked.
‘Boy ar! Where are you going?’
‘Mum, I going to see a dance performance and the flower is for my friends performing.’
Even an elaborated lie was weaved to counter ANY questioning by mum. I don’t know if she would buy that story, but that was my answer to shut further questioning.
‘WISH ME LUCK!’
Last time check? 2100hrs.
Chapter 12
My heart was pounding and slamming my rib cage repeatedly. The adrenaline flowing in me is like thousands of horses scattering over a vast plateau – the madness was so intense for me that I felt like it had possessed me to do things I normally wouldn’t. It was so powerful that I became another person - all those negative psychological impacts that Vicky has inflicted to me has vanished momentarily, as if being devoured by the passion that has maturated.
I am free. Free from my past bondage to pursue a new future.
Maybe when you released the suppression in you, you get tsunamis. I realized that the built-up energies… those tidal waves can create wonders, if properly utilized and I want to tap on it… I want to be able to love freely, without the burden of my past.
I was waiting at the highest level of her block, albeit it was two levels above her house. Surreptitiously, I was cautiously peering through the metal railing as I could see her if she returned home because she would definitely use this staircase. I gotten this knowledge from Johnny because he stayed near her and this was what he suggested to catch her ‘at that moment’.
I dropped her a SMS; she mentioned that she was on her way home.
‘Ok Cloud… this is your glorious moment ever. Don’t ever lose them!’
Final time checked: 2245hrs. Oh yes, hair checked again.
Although my wait was almost an hour; I felt that time was simply too hasty because there was this significant fear that I may screw things up at last minute and I am trying to overcome it:
What if I sprout some nonsense and turned her off?
Or what if she hated blue roses?
Most importantly: what if I have failed?
What if she rejected me?
I quickly diverted that notion away, deciding that I should just do it and handle the consequence later, should it ended up this way. I hope we could still be friends (somehow I am pretty sure that it wouldn’t be much of a problem), but I could never be too sure.
Then, I heard footsteps.
I peered through the railing for the twelfth times and finally, I caught a glimpse of Angeline. Oh wait… there was a variation to my forecasted plan; someone was with her – a guy. They were taking the stairs down, somewhat one half-level below me.
‘Thanks for the dinner tonight…’
I could barely hear Angeline’s voice, but I have managed to make out some words.
I realized who the guy was when his face was in view; it was Richard See, the trainee doctor.
My heart sank when I saw him reached over and hugged Angeline. I could also see him murmuring something into her ears and they remained in that position for a moment. Angeline’s expression was initially startled, but gradually accepted things that were happening.
My world paused immediately; I was stunned.
If not for the sudden ringing of my mobile and I wouldn’t know how long I would remain in Pluto, fourth dimension, or whatever you called it.
And I guess it was either my ring tone was too loud or the environment was extremely quiet; Angeline probably hear and recognized my ring tone. Before I could regain myself and sped to the lift, she was standing right in front of me, somewhat surprised.
Instantaneously, I could feel my tears bursting from my glands any moments.
‘Happy birthday... Angeline…’ I said meekly, ‘here’s the present I promised you…’
I gave her the gifts and flowers, but secretly tried to keep the card away from sight. But I guess it was pretty futile.
‘Isn’t the card for me too?’ said Angeline as she tried to reach for the card.
‘Actually… no…’
I fled into the lift and hit the close button.
Chapter 13
The call was Johnny; I supposed he was trying to check on my status.
My thumb went over the keypad; I cut his line.
Somehow, I don’t feel like interacting with anyone. I just want to be solitary for a moment to adjust my disrupted flow of thoughts. How could I ever be so stupid not to know that Richard is wooing her the same time as my liking developed? I should have anticipated it when he dated her for movie at Cineleisure, so that I could ‘speed up’ my progression and development.
‘Cloud, you are so are still as fuucking stupid as ever…’
Emotions aside; I tried to be rational and in telling myself that all is fair in love and war. But the more rational and logical I became, the less helpful it was to my esteem and ego. You put a future doctor-to-be: one with great career prospect in life juxtaposed a NSF soldier struggling with a miserable $420 allowance from the army and worrying about his bleak future this in era of economic uncertainty.
Her choice would be obvious.
I was wandering around her neighborhood until I found a playground to sit around. These days, the playgrounds around the estate were devoid of sand and the good-old swings. Kids these days are too protected - so sheltered that even the swings are removed. This is the childhood we get in Singapore. I thought it was pretty redundant because later on in life, these kids are going to get hurt by life anyway. Therefore if you shield the children about the existence of pain, they are going to suffer more during their encounters with ‘hurt’.
This is how I portrayed Love to be; the more I injured myself in the course of finding my mate, the less hurt I felt. Although I know that I was the weakest link, but at the very least, I put up a decent fight, despite knowing that all will crash when the truth is revealed as the decision is made.
Maybe Richard popped the ultimate question in his quiet whisper?
Perhaps today marked their union, as girlfriend and boyfriend. Maybe I should just back out before I sustained more ‘injuries’.
A drop of tear fell from my cheek. It denoted sadness of a defeated warrior, fighting for a lost cause because I was inadequate. My moral and confidence fell sharply as if I was armed with fourth-grade weapon against a formidable foe with state of art weaponry.
‘Why are we training so hard? Why are we pushing you guys to your limit? Because care for soldiers means having to teach them to survive in war and not die in battle! You can’t win the war by dying for your country; you make the other poor bastard die for his. If you are ill-trained or inadequate, you won’t be able to handle the chaos of war or worse, bring death upon yourself or your buddies…’
I remember that was what my platoon commander told us during course. Somehow, it seemed relevant to my situation now.
An SMS came: ‘Where are you?’
It was Angeline.
I was battling the urge to reply her - maybe because I feared to know the truth… her choice..
Another SMS came: I know you are near my house.
A quick check round me discovered nothing.
Ok, this is scary.
Third SMS came: Meet at my void deck of my flat.
I froze on the spot, holding tightly onto my mobile; I didn’t even reply her and she seemed to know my whereabouts and intentions.
Should I meet her?
Chapter 14
My mind sank into anarchy; I had to coerce my feet into walking – they have refused to accept commands from the brain. And I wasn’t thinking right – everything was negative, negative and more negative.
Perhaps it was rude of me to merely run off without bidding farewell, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a replica of my past. I may be accepting failure graciously, but that doesn’t mean I am able to have immunity to hurts. I am still flesh and blood… an average Joe off the street - I do bleed emotionally.
Then I saw Angeline, silhouetted against the light emitted from the lamppost.
My breath grew heavier, with every step I trend forward.
There was no escape for me this time; maybe I should just face my fear.
‘I apologize for running away without saying bye…’
‘Why did you run?’
‘I didn’t run away from you; I ran away from myself.’
‘Why do you even have to run in the first place?’
‘Because… I had to love an Angel, who has better choices outside me… I had to evade and sacrifice myself to a greater cause…’
I saw shimmering tears in Angeline’s eyes; then she dashed towards me and threw me a hug.
‘Why do you think she wouldn’t choose you?’
‘That’s because I understand the theory behind giving the best for the ones you love. I know I am not good enough, but what matters is your happiness – not mine. I will be as equally happy if my Angel is similarly blessed by someone else.’
I felt my eyes becoming watery; I had to look at the night sky to stop the tears from rolling off. Simultaneously, I tried to shape a pseudo-smile, acting as a façade to hide my grief within.
‘Sometimes when we give up, we didn’t know we are so close to succeeding…’
Suddenly, my spirit lifted and I waited for her to continue.
‘…I think that you are the best; would you reserve yourself for me?’
Finishing her words, her lips came to touch mine as I held her hands and clasped it tightly. Kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature when words become superfluous.
Is not a kiss the very autograph of love? Hah!
And Johnny was so damn right – God is fair…God gave me his Angel!
And I knew I had won the battle.
- The end -
(Names have been changed to protect identity)
