Chapter I
I don't club often and always find quick excuses to reject invitation from my good friend, Paul. Although we are a world of difference in terms of personality, somehow, we ended up as best of buddy. Our friendship has gone a long way since my Secondary school days and even back then, Paul was a popular figure.
You would find Paul at every happening party in town and everybody knew him. He was the life of the party and his charms were irresistible - both male and female desired to know him.
Female - because he was the boyish cute type of guys that would make all his little girl fans go 'So cute! My baby!'
Male - because he was spotted with all the hot babes and some guys just wants to be seen around him.
Me? A rank above the nerds: your average guy-next door. Nothing spectacular. Nothing interesting. Nothing notable to mention.
I was literally kidnapped by Paul as he shoved me into the cab and locked me down before asking the cab to speed off to Mohammad Sultan.
'Please give me some face ok?' whispered Paul as he released his locking stance, 'I need some moral support, especially when Dawn is around.'
Adjusting my shirt collar, I rolled my eyes, astonishingly.
'Why on Earth do you need me there when you have everybody around you to support physically and me spiritually?'
'What are best friend for? Those people who you deemed as everybody are merely clubbing friends. In time of need - I need you!'
'That's so gay.'
Paul threw a punch right on my arm.
'Come on dude. Drinks on me tonight. Any girl you fancy, just tell me.'
'Don't worry; I don't need any clubbing girls.'
Somehow, I have this perception that girls that were picked up from the bar wouldn't fall under the category of decent. I mean, if they were to be easily picked up by you, left with the you and ended up in bed a little while later¨Cthis has probably happened a thousand times before you bed her. She probably has an entire log book about her sexual ONS (read: One Night Stand) partners and worst still, if she already has a boyfriend or even worst: married. I cannot picture the scene of my reaction if I knew I have been sharing my girlfriend or wife with so many men. It's pure murderous deception.
'We have reached,' said Paul as he paid the driver, ' And my story begins tonight.'
Chapter II
The party was at Milk Bar in Mohammad Sultan and I felt the ground shaking as I approached the Bar; many people swarmed over our direction - greeted, hugged, slap a pat or whatsoever welcoming body-language over our ever-famous Paul. They knew too, that it was his big day, the day if he could have Dawn, this little petite beauty from our course, as his girlfriend.
Paul was a flirty rake, but he was serious about Dawn. Everyone knows that. He spent more than a year trying to chase her and the final conclusion depended on tonight.
'Dawn is inside. Good luck pal. You have until 3 a.m. in the morning.'
'Oh yah, Cloud,' yelled Paul before entering Milk Bar, 'enjoy yourself first, I will join you soon enough.'
Well, like always, I was thrown alone, again. Deep inside, I was praying for Paul, wishing him all the best even though I knew he would be victorious. No woman had ever rejected his love proposal; I guess it would be the same for Dawn.
I already had half the mind to leave Milk Bar. Not because I dislike crowds - in fact I am ok with them. Just that club dancing isn't something that I would fancy. Perhaps I should just settle for some drinks - after all, it's free flow tonight.
'Whisky coke please.'
After about five glasses - I grew a little light-headed throughout this lonely drink session with myself, but this doesn't stop me from noticing this girl sitting beside me. I would have rated her overall appearance at least eight out of ten, but surprisingly, she was alone and nobody came up and chat with her. She was clearly weeping; her eyes were bloodshot and puffy. Maybe someone came up before, but could have failed miserably in his attempt to get her number or worst still, unleashed all her anger and tension in form of verbal trashing at him.
Her fringe was over her face and her top was a little off her shoulder. She looked as if she was in some kind of distress.
'One more...' she slurred unclearly at the bartender.
That triggered my soft side: I had this great urge to stop her from drinking, not because I want to pick her up or what, but because it's dangerous for a girl to be drunk in a bar without friends looking after her. At least I knew I have no ill intention, but I truly doubt others.
I had to do what I had to do.
'Hey, you better stop drinking so much!' I arched over and whispered near her. She lifted her head as if it weighed ten tons and gazed dreamily at me. Then her features came to a complete change.
'Why do you have to bother me since you don't want me?'
Don't want you? It took me six seconds to realise that she may have mistaken me for someone she knew.
'A girl like you shouldn't be drinking so much!'
'Why do you care?' she snapped.
'Well, I am nobody - at least I know all problems in the world could be solved - Drinking only escape reality.'
She looked into my eyes. I felt a wave of energy washing through me; then her tears slipped and I could see a wounded soul.
'Hello girl; we are back.'
Two guys came over behind her and smiled. For a moment, I thought it was her friends, but from the look from their pupils, I knew they were hunting. It was scientifically proven that the pupils will expand when the eyes sees something interesting or captivating. Today, I supported this theory.
'Get lost!' she screamed before grabbing my hands and dashed out of Milk Bar. She nearly fell when she quickened her pace and I had to hold her tight. The music was loud and I couldn't hear anything, but I believed those guys would have curse at me.
Chapter 3
We kept running, or at least I felt that we were running.
We finally came to an empty bus stop, exhausted, and before I could catch my breath: the girl puked.
Disgustingly strange, I thought I smelled Marche. I walked over to her and patted her back gently. She kept puking and I had to wriggle my nose and shift my attention elsewhere.
After the 'Merlion act' - she sat and causally leaned herself on me, with her head on my shoulder. I was praying and hoping that she wouldn't puke on me, if not my mum would kill me if she smelled alcohol.
We remained in our position for ten minutes, but it seemed like eternity. I swear I have never been so close with a girl before. It was extremely scary but the feeling nice beyond words. Although we don't know each other, I felt that I knew her for long. Maybe that's the reason why I had to urge to help her.
'I am sorry mister.' Her weak voice finally spoken.
'Don't worry too much lady. By the way, I didn't mean to take advantage of you or what. I didn't want to disturb you or anything that's why I didn't wake you up or call you and...'
Then, she returned to an upright sitting position and put her finger to my lips as if she was too weak to say anything.
'I know what's going on. I am not drunk.'
Yeah right. A drunkard will never admit that he or she is drunk.
She shaped a small smile.
I saw her first smile; it was incredibly sweet. I cannot imagine what will happen to her if other guys were to successfully pick her up. She would have been ruin and probably regret later on. Fortunately for her, she met a genuine good man (At least I thought I was one).
'You know what? You looked my ex-boyfriend...'
That was so unexpected of her to say that. Oh well, probably that's why she would rather leave with me than the other two guys. After all, I resembled someone familiar and her subconscious would automatically pick me. Maybe because I am your average Joe next door - I seemed too dumb to be dangerous.
'But he left me today and the best thing was: today is also our third year anniversary...'
I nodded my head in disbelieved. A pretty girl like her was dumped? I thought good looking ladies are immune to being dump for life. For that, I was wrong. There must be a serious problem in her relationship.
'It's all about me... all my fault... I haven't been a good girlfriend.'
How on earth can you measure the quality 'Good' ? What it takes to classify ourselves as 'Good' or 'Bad' partners? The comparison basis and yardsticks? Maybe it's not us entirely - it could be the love itself. Lost of feelings over the time could contribute to that.
There was a crude silence before she puked again. I shook my head. Then I took out my phone and there was a message from Paul.
'Muahahahhahahahha
At least something good happened today. As I was about the reply Paul, the girl snatched my phone away nimbly.
'Hey!'
'Wait wait! I need to call someone.'
I was giving her that 'kind' of look while she winked at me.
'Hello? Ok, bye.'
The call ended within two seconds and that was an utter waste of my phone bill. She was obviously calling someone unimportant or fooling me with a fake caller. But because of that wink, I had to forgive her. Good looking girls have that mystical power to get away with evil deeds with their appearance.
'I think you better go home.'
I flagged down an oncoming cab.
'Why didn't you ask for my number?' said the girl, holding onto the taxi's door.
Actually I wanted to ask for her contact number. She was gorgeous, but because it was the she-is-a-girl-fro
She nodded.
'By the way, my name is Rain.'
What? Her name is Rain? What the hell?
Chapter 4
It has been a week since I last saw Rain. Although it was a mere short encounter with her, she left this silly impression that I never forget. I never told Paul about what took place during his stay inside Milk Bar, but anyway, I don't see a need to tell him, yet.
I was burning midnight oil, rushing to complete my project journal which I am supposed to hand in by tomorrow. Jotting down my last couple of sentences, I was rejoicing when I finally completed the assignment. It was tedious.
I needed a break; I walked into my kitchen and got myself a glass of water.
'Beep' - My mobile phone rang.
'Hi, Steve...Watcha' doing? I cannot sleep... chat with me? - Rain.'
Ok, I admit I was shocked to receive a message from Rain, but who's Steve? Who the hell is Steve? And how on Earth did she get my number? I felt that I was being stalked to a certain degree.
'Hehe...I have my own ways...so sian right? When you want to but can't sleep at night?'
I would have slept three hours ago, if not for my dumb project. Sometimes, I think it's ridiculous; the ones that badly needed rest, don't have time for them, while the ones with abundance full of free time, doesn't want to sleep. My constant lateness has been marked by my tutors in school. I guess it will affect my participation marks - a vicious cycle.
'I can't sleep not because I don't want - my mind forbids me to... =( '
Ok. I was forgetful about the fact that Rain was still on the road to recovery from whatsoever problems she has. Anyway, most girls have this tendency to key in expression-like symbols as part of the message to convey their feelings. Does it help? I don't know. I always believed that problems never vanished into thin air; it's always what we do to the problems that eased the tension within us. Maybe we are like machines, too much heat generated from functions will ruin the entire system.
'Then how do we handle the malfunction?'
Buy new one? If I had the cash, the first thing I would do is to change my computer, get a cable modem and a good-enough printer. My computer model was outdated many times over and I think even the garang guni fellow would roll his eyes in disbelieved.
'If only I could. I don't even have the 'cash'...'
My friend found me a part time job for me in Takashimaya, working at Yakitori - the Japanese snack bar in Food Court. I don't have the cash as well; I can only depend on myself. We are all born penniless; it's our family, our environment and opportunity that made us rich.
We continued chatting on SMS as if it was all planned. Then, I looked at my Casio clock in my room - it was going to be four in the morning. I don't know why I would engage so long a conversation with her, but my fatigue seemed to have disappeared though. I had to bid her farewell in my next message, if not I will be late for tomorrow's tutorial.
'Good night Steve... I mean Cloud¡ =)'
The Steve business again? I had to sleep ¨C leave the thinking for tomorrow.
Chapter 5
Paul and I bounded the same train for Orchard; he had to meet his darling girlfriend Dawn to catch a movie, while I had to work today. It seemed to me that Paul was living in Heaven since the birth of this relationship; his smiles were frequent and all over his face whenever he received an SMS from Dawn. I felt he looked like an idiot whispering to himself as he replied her message. Love always instigates people to do stupid things.
'Bye and remember to say hi to Dawn for me.'
Without raising his eyes, Paul waved to me and quickly returned to his messaging.
With a sigh, we went on separate ways. I understand that he was going through his honeymoon period - all the lovely dopey stuff was flooding his mind. Maybe I lacked romantic genes in me; I see relationship more than just your sweet little thing. There has to be certain form of stability. I mean, I rather have a smooth relationship than one that appeared to be loving in the beginning and tearful at conclusion. The fluctuation and tides of love could drown me outrageously.
'Damn, I am getting sick of this job...' I thought to myself as I searched the cupboard for my apron and uniform. Without wasting anymore time, I moved to where I was assigned to and began my work.
Throughout my work duration, my mind projected only one image: Rain. I can't comprehend the complication behind the vision but it just came to me naturally. I kept thinking if she would message or call me today. Or worst, none of the above. Though I have her number too, the pride and ego in me refused to dial them. It was always her initiative to contact me during these twenty three days we knew each other.
'I must be thinking too much...'
Suddenly, my mobile phone vibrated inside my left jean's pocket.
A quick check beneath revealed a message from Rain. Ah! Don't tell me she has ESP power and could mind-read me?
'You looked so cute in your blue apron and hat...'
I peeped from where I was squatting and after a hard scan around my environment; I saw this familiar pretty looking face at the extreme left of where I was. Oh no! I shouldn't have told her that I worked here. I looked so dumb in this working attire! There goes my scores in her impression - my take is negative ten.
My heart pounded fiercely against my chest as she winked at me, again. Gathering myself, I smiled back and continued working as if my work was more interesting, even though it sucked. It was the man's instinct to remain calm and still look cool in the presence of a woman that matters to you.
'Cloud, I forgot to tell you; your schedule today is only until eight. You can leave now.' said Kenneth, my colleague, as he tapped my shoulder and broke my concentration. Ok, now I knew what was going on: she must have asked Kenneth about my schedule beforehand, thus her appearance here.
I removed my uniform and apron and walked to where she was.
'Yes my lady?'
'Had your dinner? No? Let's go~!'
I had no opportunity to react at all; Rain grabbed my arm and started running, yet again.
Chapter 6
We arrived at Cineleisure after a causal walk plus a short sprint that died down less than thirty seconds. There must be some kind of explanation to this: we always ran somehow when we meet.
'Where you want to eat? Food court? Ok!'
Like always, my mind was too slow to react. I simply nodded my head.
Choosing an auspicious area, I picked one inconspicuous corner, hoping that I wouldn't meet any familiar faces here. Who knows? I may be a topic for these people to gossip about, especially when I have such a cutie with me. Although this has never happened before, I was overly paranoid. I was conscious about everything from impression to image to long vision of our possible friendship -I had to be paranoid.
'Tell me what you want to eat, I will buy for you.'
'Sian...I think I will eat what you eat...' replied Rain as she hastily glanced through the food stalls from where she was sitting.
Eat what I eat? I have only known her barely less than a month and she became so comfy with me? This could be a good sign... Oh wait; the Clubbing Girl theory still applies. Control... control...
I came back with a huge plate of fried rice from Hans. Actually, I wasn't hungry, but since she made the decision to eat, I just followed suit. I was thinking of sharing the plate of food. After all, food tasted better when you shared them.
'Are you surprised to see me?'
Due to the unpredictability of a woman's intention, motive and desire, I chose not to answer that question. I never understand woman and never will I be able to and things that I do not understand, I will not attempt to unlock the mystery. I would probably perish in the attempt. However, I need a decent reply...
'Yes, but I know why...'
Her eyes widened as if this wasn't the reply she expected.
'Chances are, you are pretty sian today, so you could spare the time to find me mah?'
'Why do you say that?' Rain asked, quite taken aback.
Why do I say that? A pretty girl like her would never find an average guy like me when she really needed someone important. People like me were as if we were the back sitters, you would pick them when the seats in front are fully taken. I had long resigned to fate.
'Firstly I am not pretty wor... so I cannot be classified as a pretty girl. So why can't I find you?'
My mum used to tell me that women who are good with words are cunning and deceptive. Let's hope it's not the case here. Another thing I discovered about women was that when you flattered them about their appearance, they would tell you otherwise. Again, these were some good physical evidences that I should never try to understand women at all.
Our chatting continued as we consumed the giant plate of fried rice gradually. Rain hated pea, so she conveniently scooped them up and placed them in my spoon.
¡®Eat them... don't waste food.¡¯
That's so evil. I hate them too, but I have to eat?
'Yes!'
I remembered Paul said something once: Love is all about compromising. The minute you don't and want to pick a fight out of mundane issue - you know that your love had weakened. It seemed a little true here; if that was my mum forcing me to eat those peas, I would have verbally resisted...
I obliged to her will.
'Cloud, you are so cute... if only... haiz...¡¯
Me cute? That's impossible for me to acknowledge that strange fact. And what's with the sigh?
'It's late Cloud. I have to go off now.'
Time check: it was nine plus. Quite late, considering that I have to wake up early for tomorrow's tutorial. I signalled to her; we grabbed our stuff and left Cineleisure. I have no idea how she was going back, but her direction seemed to be walking towards the MRT station. I was thinking of walking her there before I rushed back home by bus.
'I don't think you are taking train. Its ok, you don't have to send me home. I will go off myself.'
Actually I wasn't thinking of sending; however I pretended that I was disappointed. Then Rain pinched my cheek and giggled.
'Come on...'
I smiled.
Without lingering anymore, she walked towards the station and vanished in less than a minute. I was satisfied though.
Chapter 7
Time passed quickly and I finished my semester. It was holiday period for me until July and while everyone was rejoicing and planning where to go and what to do, I have to stay at home to rest for at least one week because my wind pipe was inflamed due to flu related illness. It was terrible.
Recently, Paul had his first argument with Dawn; it was about his easy behaviour around women in general. Dawn exercised certain amount of control over him and it annoyed Paul, who was so used in his carefree life before he was attached. Paul called me and being his good friend, I listened attentively to his ranting.
'She should have known that I was like that before the relationship... now she is complaining. Ridiculous right? Not as if I like them or what... why can't she just trust me...?'
I listened until he was tired of talking and had to put down the phone. Time check: it was a two hours conversation. Feeling quite drowsy, I sat by the sofa and rested. Maybe I was under the effect of drugs; many thoughts came into my mind. How many times do we know one another completely before leaping into a relationship? Usually no, because we learn as we lead our relationship. There were obvious and sublime personalities or secrets that we chose to show or filter before being together. This was essential because if Paul were seen with all your flaws, Dawn wouldn't have be with him in the first place.
We learn as we grow.
Then how much do I know about Rain? Actually, nothing much. She was so mysterious and I always felt that she has an invisible screen placed in front of her - shielding and protecting her emotional vulnerability and weakness. I respected that though because I know when it was time for me to understand her more, I would.
'Beep' - there was a message.
'So suay! I sprain my ankle!'
It was Rain and fear gripped my heart. I was anxious about what had happened and keyed in furiously into my phone's keypad. Then, I learned that she had slipped and fell yesterday night when she was coming home. The stairs was wet and the sole in her slippers were worn-out - this combination was deadly.
'Think I may die of hunger; my house has nothing but maggi mee!'
What? No one at home to look after her? My soft side got worked up again: I was like a worried dad.
'Where are you staying? Give me your address?'
'Why? Don't tell me you want to come? Don't worry about me lar.'
Still, she gave me her address. I changed, took whatever essential stuff I needed and left the house in a hush. With God's blessing, taxi was instantly available.
'Uncle, this address please... *cough* *cough*'
Chapter 8
I got off the cab and scanned the area around for the nearest Kopitiam. Lucky thing, it was within sight; across the road.
'What should I buy for her?'
'Sian...I think I will eat what you eat...' - I remembered this phrase and smiled. Touching my tummy for a while, I knew what I wanted to buy.
'Uncle ta bao chicken rice. One packets please.'
Double checking my phone, I moved into the direction of her block after purchasing the meal. I took the lift to the seventh floor and turned right. In less than ten seconds, I found her house.
'Eh, I am outside your house now.'
The door opened and a shocked looking Rain stood in front of me.
'I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING!'
Woman should never take man for granted, especially a serious folk like me. Hiak!
'Anyway, it's good that you called; the door bell is spoilt.'
I entered the house and the sight nearly took my life: The hall was barely furnished and had minimal necessity - a mat, a small television and a mini coffee table. The wall was flaking and was in need of serious repainting. It was a sorry sight and I tried my best not to look too awkward.
'Sorry, my house is crap.'
'I disagree; it may be simple, but it's certainly not crap.'
It was a little bleak and I wanted to switch on the lights. Then came my second nightmare: nothing happened.
'The bulb had fused long ago. Don't worry about it - I am used to the dark.'
I never knew the girl I have been chatting with for the past couple of months had such sorry reality. Recovering the mental stun quickly, I handed her the packet of food and we sat down at the kitchen. I could see in her eyes that she was touched by my actions, but trying her best to conceal them.
Now, I felt a duty to look after her.
'Why are you living alone?' I asked, wondering if it was appropriate to ask.
Rain quietly ate her food and she looked as if she was miles away from her thoughts.
Something triggered my hands to move; I put my hands on her wrist and squeezed softly.
'Don't worry. It doesn't matter to me because the way you are, is the Rain I want to know as a good friend, not what you have or what you own.'
Rain continued eating, but I could see her eyes grew a little red. Abruptly and suddenly, she choked and coughed.
'You are such a baby,' I said while patting her back, 'let me get you a glass of water.'
Quickly I poured her some water and she drank them carefully.
'Aiya, let me feed you lar,' I whispered as my fatherly instinct came onto me.
Chapter 9
Everyday without fail, I would buy or prepared the three essential meals for Rain because of her lack of mobility. I also changed the light bulbs, fixed the door bell, cleaned up the house, boiled water, put posters to cover the unsightly part of the wall and every little small thingy I could think of and do to improve the overall quality in staying there.
I was her good friend, her maid, her dad, her mum, her companion... everything that I could play as a role.
As I took the bus down to her house, I recalled Rain's sad family tale: Her dad passed away four years back and her mum had a boyfriend that hated her. So they put Rain in this house, paid all the maintenance, pocket money and other essential payment every month and washed their hands off her daily life. Rain hated that kind of life and didn't use much of their money to upkeep her daily expenses - instead she worked as a waitress in a nearby restaurant and used that money instead. She was fired the day she sprained her ankle because she argued with one of the customer and the manager was enraged.
So meanwhile, I had to make sure she lived a decent, reasonable life. I requested more working days from my boss and even set aside portions of my salary for her. Though it was not much, but it should be enough for the month.
She gave me her house key because it was inconvenient for her to open the door since I am coming here for almost two weeks already. Like always, I would attempt to open the door secretly and surprised her with my arrival (Although it's kinda stupid because I am here everyday)
'Tata! I am here, yet again.'
A startled Rain quickly ceased typing her keyboard and moved her mouse. Clicking it twice before she switched off her monitor.
'Oh... you are so early today.'
Rain's behaviour always appeared eccentric and weird when she used the computer. Although I tried to sneak quietly into the house, if it was me, I would have known that someone was coming. Obviously her thoughts was somewhere in Pluto and couldn't return in time to realise that.
Today, Rain seemed a little moody today. She was quiet and her eyes were darted everywhere as we chatted, as if there was something important for her to think about. The good old me contributed that to possible PMS - after all, it could have been since it was near the end of the month.
'Cloud... my ankles feels ok now. Tomorrow, you don't have to come over anymore...¡¯
I was silent. It must have been my continuous presence that could have annoyed her.
'No, no... don't get me wrong. I don't want to trouble you anymore. I am feeling so guilty since the day you came over...¡¯
Actually, I felt happy doing something like that. The intangible happiness of helping someone was wholesomely satisfying. Then again, was it pure voluntary intention from a good friend or was it something else?
Rain stood up effortlessly and walked a few rounds.
'See! I am well now.'
Our conversation was superficially short today. When I took my bag and checked the time, it was the earliest I ever left her house since day one. Rain smiled and bid me goodbye, I could sensed that she wanted to do her stuff privately and I would be a hindrance to her.
As I walked to my bus stop, the sky rumbled and roared. Dark clouds gathered and small drop of rain fell on my clothes.
'Raining?'
Chapter 10
It has been sometime since I last saw Rain. I knew something had happened but I didn't call or ask her. I believed in personal privacy and if she was comfortable enough to tell me, she would have.
Her calls and SMS were getting lesser each day, but the Leo's pride in me refused to dial that number.
'Boy ar, getting late ar! Better go sleep!' yelled Mummy.
I couldn't and wouldn't fall asleep. What's wrong with me? I am so bothered about what had gone wrong here, but gave excuses to prevent me from making the call? This was getting nowhere; I had to remove that pride in me and start making my first call to Rain - the rare attempts in life.
'Call her you dump ass! Don't you want to know what could have happened the past few weeks?'
'Don't! She may not be in trouble - she may need to be with herself for the moment. After all, who are you to her?'
'Stupid! What's wrong with a simple call from a good friend? You can treat it as if you are chatting with her. Ah! Sian right? Call lar!'
'Hmm... sounds like a good idea,' I thought to myself after going through a series of thoughts elimination in my mind. Mustering all available courage, I took a deep breath and took out of my phone.
'Hello?' I whispered softly into my phone, 'Rain?'
There was a complete silence.
'Are you ok?'
The silence continued.
Suddenly, the call ended. I held onto the phone, with the ending tone kept playing in my right ear - I totally lost about what was going on. I swear that it was Rain on the other line and she was crying because in the midst of silence, I heard weeping. The silence at her side was sorrowful and there was an unexplained strong tension. I truly needed some answers.
'Beep' - there was a message and it was from Rain.
'Meet me near my house tomorrow night.'
I bit my lips.
Chapter 11
I was twenty minutes early.
We planned to meet at the coffee shop at eight o’clock sharp, but I couldn’t wait until that time; I was not only anxious to learn about what could have happened to her and was extremely worried. Maybe there was serious family trouble? Her mum boyfriend? There were too many question marks appearing in my head and I had to solve them.
Rain was early too - she was wearing the same top I met her at Milk Bar, with the exception that she was wearing skirts instead of jeans. It has been only a few weeks and I could see her face losing the usual radiant glow that flickered around her, like an aura.
Rain moved towards where I was and sat the seat in front of me. Then she handed me a letter. I was surprised.
‘Don’t read until I have gone home… Promise?’
I nodded my head.
Then she reached and held my hands. The feeling was like Nokia phone charging battery - I was energised and rejuvenated. I held tightly in return, as if I was telling her ‘It’s ok, I am here for you.’
‘Have you fallen for me?’
This question came too fast; I wasn’t prepared at all. I simply avoided her strong gaze and cracked my head for a reply. My brain was choking - nothing came out, but nothing could enter as well. It was quite an embarrassing silence on my part. The conflicts came from my heart, where my feelings for her residue and grew unconsciously. And my mind - where it kept warning me about the Clubbing-Girl- Theory. Actually, I don’t see her as a clubbing girl: Her down-to-earth, cute personality and sweet looks were heavenly combination that dismissed that notion.
Plus the fact that Rain was very much different.
‘I guess maybe not…’ Rain sighed, but looked a little relieved.
‘I…I…’
‘Cloud, I want to play the swings. Follow me for a while ok?’
I had no chance to reply. We left the Coffee Shop soon and found a playground with swings.
‘It’s very difficult to find swings in Singapore these days…’
I agreed with Rain. The government are so paranoid about little children flying off the seats and chose to remove them. The sad thing about playgrounds in Singapore these days is that they don’t look like playgrounds. Have we all been so sheltered that we failed to realise that injuries are part and process of growing up? Like love, we grew from heartaches and it’s true that it made us stronger emotionally and matured spiritually.
‘You have been a real good friend, Cloud… how I wished it could remain in this way forever…’
In my heart, I was suffocating because my bottled feelings cannot be released - the pressure was deathly. I was happy that she saw me as a very good friend. Was it enough? I thought it should be. After all, who am I to her?
Then she came over and hugged me. I held her tightly. I don’t know why - I just didn’t want to let her go. She must have suffered a lot these days and actions speak louder than words; I want to be there for her. I want to show her that her burden will be lifted and it wouldn’t be so heavy anymore. I want to dry her tears, I want to smooth out her problems, I want to assist along the way… there were simply too much things I wanted to do.
My soul connects with Rain. In this very moment, I knew I loved her.
‘I got to go now…’
I tightened my grip on Rain - I could see her eyes smiling. Then she placed a small kiss on my cheek.
‘Let me go…’
It was only then, I released her.
‘Don’t send me up… I will walk up myself…’
I respected her wishes and stood there until Rain vanished from sight.
Chapter 12
It was getting late and the weather hasn’t been very good. I grabbed a cab quickly before I was almost drenched by the coming downpour.
‘Serangoon Central?’ the taxi driver asked.
I was puzzled; how did he know?
‘I remembered I send you here before,’ laughed the taxi driver, ‘and you are wearing the same clothing.’
I wasn’t bothered - my mind was blank. I only wanted to read the letter she gave me.
***
Dear Cloud,
I didn’t know where to start and almost didn’t write this letter. It was your call yesterday that moved me. I feel that you have the right to know more about me and through this letter; things will be much clearer.
I have a boyfriend named Steve and we were having a long distance relationship. There are parental objection on his side because I wanted to go over to England to stay with him. I hated my family and didn’t want to hang around in Singapore. This issue has been affecting our relationship and he felt that he has to end them because it was going nowhere.
I was devastated. I went Milk Bar and drown myself in alcohol, only to have met you. When I was drunk, I couldn’t believe my eyes that you looked so much like him. That’s why I used your phone to call my own phone, so that I could have your number. Silly right?
I wanted to forget Steve because I couldn’t believe how little faith he has for our relationship. You were there and I tried to find Steve in you. But the more I attempt to find Steve in you, the more I found Cloud - the real you. The Cloud that I gradually fell for after months of recovery. Your unique perception of love, your behaviour, your sincerity and most importantly, being yourself, empowers and draws me nearer to you.
But it wasn’t substantial.
Recently Steve emailed me and told me that I could go over. He had finally managed to settle the parental objection and wanted to patch back with me.
I asked myself: how? It was torturous. I kept crying; torn between choosing someone who dumped the relationship and had me stranded alone and someone who has been always there for me without expecting anything in return and picked me up when I fell. You are special because you respected my personal privacy. You never asked - you only stood quietly in a corner, always there for me. You are like a holiday inn - a stay I wished that I could be here forever.
I cannot bear to leave you because I know once I leave the shores of this holiday inn, there is not way I can return. Time would have washed me far away and it would be a no-return trip. I can only preserve a shrine within my memories, to remind me that this special someone ever walked into my life and left footprints. It is those footprints that changed me life… changed my soul…
I will be leaving within this week. I guess, I could only say… I’m sorry.
I love you, but only if we met earlier.
Rain
***
My heart was torn and shattered into a million pieces. I could almost hear the pains of those tinkering sounds as if every fallen piece was a part of my soul. It was also as if all was ran by fate and churned by destiny. The bottled up feelings finally imploded and tears leaked from my eyes.
I was crying.
Chapter 13
I finally reached. I became like a zombie; totally dead and lifeless. It was as if some part of me disappeared and never returned. The pain was excruciating. I wanted to yell, but my heart made no sound as though it was sucked into the black of hole of circumstances.
I shouldn’t even have expected anything at all. We were such good friends right? Maybe good friends should always remain as good friends. Love has been around, but it’s about us, the choice we made that made a difference. I can choose to love her, but doesn’t mean that I have to be with her. Illogical? I called it respect.
‘Why are you giving excuse for your failure. You know deep inside, you don’t feel this way…’
I shook my head violently to dispel that thought. I was going insane every second.
‘STOP! STOP! STOP all these!’ I was screaming to myself.
Then, my phone rung and I had a chance to refocus my attention. It was a private number.
‘Hello?’ I asked and there was no reply. I knew it was Rain.
‘Anything you want to say to me before I go off?’
‘It doesn’t matter to me whether you chose him or not because my love for you is more than just possessing you. Since the day I knew you, never had I have the opportunity to make any choices – It’s always you who determine what we should do… when we should leave, when we should run, where to eat, who have to eat the peas… sitting by the swings… your letters or even going home or even going over to England.
Have I ever say ‘No’ to you?
No… because love had taught me to respect and be happy. Why? Because its YOU.
You made the choice.
The one decision I ever made for myself, concerning us… is to love you. Don’t have to say sorry because it’s my decision to.’
I knew she was crying too.
Final Chapter
‘What you want to eat?’ asked Paul as he glanced uninterestedly at the food stores. There was a large queue everywhere and Paul hated huge queue.
There was absolutely no contact with Rain since the day we last met. I knew she had gone over to England. My mind was tired of pondering. If I knew her story beforehand, I wouldn’t have led myself so far. It was a critical stab in my heart – a stab that I wouldn’t know how long it would take me to heal.
Have I regretted? Not at all. She has a special role in my life; she widened my thinking, taught me how to love and the priceless value of a special someone. It was bitter inside, but I knew the core was sweet. It was useless to have my girlfriend around me while her heart lies with someone else. I learned that having impacts in people’s life served a greater purpose than one possible relationship. Our connections were like dark clouds - she was one torrential rain that devastated my land, but renewal was beautiful after her appearance, because the soil was rich and water was plenty.
I was the catalysis that made that happened - this simple dream that existed. I was the fleeting clouds.
Woman should never take man for granted.
I have to heal my wounds.
I need time.
I touched my tummy.
‘Chicken Rice please…’
~The End~
(Names has been changed to protect identity)
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How many times have we fall in love but never realize that a quiet feeling has claim home within some secluded corners of our heart? We resist to acknowledge the feeling because there are incomprehensible reasons pulling us back, like a footbrake.
How many times have we fall in love but never could we be with the one that we truly love even though feelings was reciprocated?
Karmic relationship has taught me that some relationships were never meant to be in the first place. Love has sunk in because of the astrological bonds in our soul – not because love will continue to blossom from previous harmonious relationship. Some people walked into our lives, left so much memories during that phrase, and recalling it is as though we returned back to a bushes of thorns – our painful growth, our past… our regrets.
There are so many things in love which I knew now, yet none of them could change any details of my helpless past. This is called the painful connection, for without the four of ‘them’… there wouldn’t be any yunhaier of today.
There has to be growth before enlightenment take place.
There has to be cosmic lessons before growth take place.
There has to be tears before cosmic lessons take place.
There has to be a beginning before tears to take place.
Personal note: I would have fcuking turn evil if I didn’t survive 01 crisis. My memory angel, you kept me intact and I know you will continue to do so. Hope you will come back – it’s not about missing you... love had been locked down. CloUdiSm theory states Fantasy Creature, I understand... but my wisdom will shield and guide me
Cheers
