Chapter 1
I hit the lift button.
The same monotonous sound signaled the squeaky opening of the reluctant lift door; like how monotonous and annoying my life has grew to become. I mean, it wasn’t that bad, but surely, it was definitely bad enough. I have been through all sort of failed relationship that’s beyond my very control: from death of my love ones to fated separation – the notion of love began to sprout cynical roots, mutating maliciously into my subconscious. I hated the idea of that happening to my life, but what can I possibly do? Heaven make sport of men – I am of no exception.
I am not God; I can’t stop him from meddling people into my life, create a chaotic mess and get them out in an instant- like how we make markings into wet cements, watch the prints dry and become permanent. It stays with us forever… our memories.
As I got engrossed with my train of thoughts and the old lift door was about to close, a familiar face disrupted my steady flow of depressing thoughts; it was Snowy, my neighbour of several years. Our mothers knew each other at the local wet market through countless bargaining session, although their children were absolute stranger. It’s the kind of people whom you recognise, acknowledge and saw pretty often, but you don’t really talk to them: Snowy belonged to that category.
There was an exchange of faint smile, nothing more. Eyes darted all corners of the lift, refusing to look into each other’s personal space as the lift rumbled and moved.
‘Hey, I should probably say Hi or something…sometim
Feelings into thoughts and before thoughts could translate into action, the lift door opened to her level. Snowy walked briskly down the stairs as I watched her vanished beyond a corner.
‘Probably next time…’
That’s the tenth time I told myself.
Seriously, I don’t mind having her as a friend. To top it up, she looked gorgeous beneath that plain-jane dressing. I have seen it before: when she really dressed well, she really looked good. You know the kind of women who needed the extra effort to make themselves good look? Again, she belonged to that category.
Then the shiny metallic door reflected my mirror-image as I stared at myself; how on Earth could a below-average, in all aspects, guy ever hoped to have anything to do with her? I mean it’s more than just the lack of confidence and self esteem – it’s about being realistic and practical. She would probably nod her head, smile and that’s it. And the tricky part is: I think she is currently unavailable. So nope… I am not going to look like a fool and bring this awkwardness to new heights.
‘Yes mum I am back!’
Chapter 2
I reached home. Bathed, settled my dinner, before dumping all my dusty marketing books and notes onto the study desk: my exams were drawing perilously closed.
But nevertheless, I just can’t source for the motivation to study. It runs in my blood; my brother can’t study for nuts and I lacked the discipline and focus to read something completely theoretical when in fact, a lot of marketing terms are actually simple theory in explanation. The entire book looked complicating and menacing, but actually if you were to break down into its DNA, it could be absorbed easily, even by screwed brains like me.
‘Boy ar, I got you these pants from the streets. And you KNOW what? I bargained with Aunty Wong and it merely cost five bucks each!’
It was my mum.
You know how woman become ecstatic when they have successfully gotten a great deal in terms of price against quality and quantity, especially if they have reduced the actual retail price through bargaining, even though in the first place, it was already a bargain. Customer satisfaction is measure through the price he or she pays, against that of the level of satisfaction he or she gains from the product. If the latter is significant higher, you would probably see her in future purchase and we labelled them as loyal customers…
I often find myself learning better from reality rather than hitting books.
I went through my boring books for almost two hours, before my concentration got completely distorted. When I felt that I have been reading the same old page for like ten minutes; I knew I was gone for the day.
Finally, after an emotional struggle, I made a decision to turn on my computer and prepare my daily doze of internet surfing. I can’t seemed to live a day without the internet, something will seem amiss; somewhat like when you forgot to brush your teeth for the day. In some sense, I am mildly addicted to my computer. Especially these days, when there is huge influx of people-connection
I hate to succumb to peer pressure, but there I was, surfing these sites.
‘Interesting, there is this girl who messaged me, in my friendship account’ I thought oddly to myself.
‘Hihi, are you Cloud?’
Chapter 3
‘Of course I replied her,’ I said, as munched on my ham and egg sandwich.
‘And what do you say?’ said Jon, my best guy buddy. He’s a great guy, the kind of friend who will speak a lot of crap, but beneath that deranged mind and words, is real helpful advice.
‘I said yes and asked her how she knew me lar.’
‘Duh! She is definitely YOUR secret admirer you stupid fool. You don’t see that happening to you everyday? Duh…’
‘Oh please,’ I muttered as I stuffed the final piece of sandwich into my mouth, ‘she could probably be an old friend or something? How the hell am I suppose to know the identity of a person through mere nick? You don’t find much people hanging onto the same nick for years like me.’
‘Yes…yes… then what?’
‘So that’s it. Waiting for her reply?’
‘Good luck my friend,’ smiled Jon before slamming a pat onto my shoulder and walked away; Jon got to attend his tutorial.
I got up, stepped into the computer lab and heeded straight for the first available computer, with the first available seat. Beside me was a group of students, busy making their final preparation for their upcoming project presentation. I just finished mine; reveling at the fact that I have all the time in the world to enjoy now.
I checked my mailbox; nothing.
‘I guess I just have to wait until she get back home first,’ I thought to myself. But definitely, that doesn’t stop me from surfing the net while getting lost in the world of MP3 through my trusty I-Pod. From reading online news to checking out the lyric for the latest hit song, to even learning how to cook spaghetti; without realizing how much time I have spent, it was already five o’clock.
With some hesitation though, I checked my mailbox again.
‘Yeah, I am the girl staying at your block. Not sure if you know me… I am Snowy and not sure if you ever knew that our mums are market kakis... LOL!’
‘She is Snowy?!’
Chapter 4
It has been three months since we knew each other, virtually. We have exchanged MSN contacts and occasionally chatted at night when she logged on – I am always online anyway. The bizarre thing was that after that time, we have not met each other in the lift coincidentally. Not even once. It seemed that fate tactically brush us separately; either I went back home before she did or vice vista – but never the same time. We could talk about most things online, but seriously speaking; I doubt it could be the same in reality. I always imagine seeing myself simultaneously with her in the same lift, but, completely dumbfounded.
That would look so stupid on me.
‘Hey, you there?’
Upon seeing her message, almost immediately, my fingers dashed through the keyboard in such amazing speed.
‘Ya?’
‘My mum told me that you failed your finance paper last term.’
My mum again! I wouldn’t be surprised if Snowy knew when I stopped drinking from my milk bottle, what size of shirt I wore or even my PSLE results. Suddenly, I felt my privacy being invaded as though my personal life is being reported to people outside this house. Kaoz.
‘You know… women always gossip… keke...’
Yes and there are three women in total. You know what they always say: two’s a company, three’s a crowd? Too much information spreading across causal conversation would results in embarrassment to the party you people are talking about.
‘You mean you? LOL!’
Right. Namely, it’s me. Anyway, I have little interest in finance and I would probably offer all my finance notes to the paper shedder after this semester. To top it up, my tutor sucked big time. Ok, maybe not him personally; it’s his teaching method. I can’t seem to absorb all those figures, theories and stuff; I am the marketing sort of guys.
‘Hahaha! Really?’
I guess so… resigning to fate. I don’t want to fail my supplementary paper or I risk retaining one year. Tomorrow, I would burn some joss sticks and pray for some miracle to happen. If that final resort doesn’t work, I am so screwed.
‘Hahaha, you are so cute… I could teach you if you want.’
I beg your pardon? Teach me? You and me? Two people? Futari? Liang Ge Ren?
‘=P’
Is this one example of girls playing the favourite passive guessing game? I mean, what is ‘=P’ suppose to mean? A yes or a no? And what’s with that tongue? An expression of something cheeky? Is Snowy some kind of psychopath, as we meet up, she would murder me, cook my kidneys and consume them?
‘Haha…Siao… Cloud, you think too much…’
Sigh. The other time someone tried to teach me, ended up, he was stuck with temporal derangement and intense agony from tutoring me.
‘It’s ok… I have lots of patience. =) Anyway, I gtg liao… we’ll meet at the Payah Lebar Starbucks tomorrow at 7.30 ok?’
There was hesitation and my fingers froze.
‘Alright…’ my fingers relented, ‘ will message you again…’
Chapter 5
I was there early.
My emotions were racing all over my body, occasionally shot right into my head for a brain-freeze as I pondered over the thought of a ‘hidden’ date like this. I was just thinking, could this be considered a date? After all, it was planned… it was discussed… it was agreed… it was a mutual meeting… there was a location… there was something to do. So does that justify a date?
Maybe studying was just a façade – this was probably an unofficial date to me.
I stared into my books and my eyes can’t seem to read past the third sentence. Every time when I read till that point, my mind started to wander around and my concentration was broken like a thin thread. When I gathered myself again, I re-read the whole thingy again and the process repeated like a spell routine.
‘Come on dude… THIS IS A FRINGING STUDYING SESSION LAR. Never study with girls before meh?’
I had to wake myself up. Hello? This ‘thought’ sounded damn crazy lor. People are just being helpful to assist you in your lousy finance, please do not interpret anything else.
Having to indulge in my own mental realm long enough to see a familiar figure in a distance, I quickly took a quick peek at my watch – she’s on time. And being early isn’t exactly very helpful to calm down my excited inner self. It was like sparkling juice; much awaiting and anticipation.
Snowy made her way to where I was sitting, gave a slight embarrassed smile before settling down. There was still no words… yet.
‘Erm… hi?’
I just felt that I had to initiate something to break the first silence.
Then she burst into a small laughter.
And for some reciprocation reasons, I burst into a small laughter as well.
‘Wah kao eh… you mean awkwardness can also be humorous?’
‘You had your dinner yet?’ I asked.
‘Not yet… what about you?’
‘Erm… same.’ I replied with 0.4 seconds of hesitation. The truth was, I just ate McDonalds’ big Mac value meal AND drank one large Ice-blended Mocha, thinking that she would probably consume her own dinner and also to calm myself through my very own food therapy.
‘Shall we eat then?’
‘Woah, right on. I am getting famished,’ I replied such gusto that I felt it was a little over-doing it. I licked my lips a little, before rubbing my stomach. Hungry or completely full?
‘Cloud… you are a liar.’
This was the scene to our first meeting.
Chapter 6
‘Ok, just refer to this table, equate this and…’ said Snowy as she pinpointed and explained one particular finance question which I got a whooping zero marks. Snowy is just incredible and I really meant it. Everything seemed so easily comprehendible, under her gentle guidance and words. I find myself understand MORE than what my lectures and tutorials put together.
Something must be quite wrong somewhere.
‘So you understand?’
‘Eh… almost,’ I replied as my line of sight entered into the path of her gaze.
Seriously, I thought I saw her eyes smiling at me. Electrifying moments that caught me in a sudden.
‘Why? You don’t understand anything?’
Hello? I think it was you who was looking at me that way; I just happened to look into your path of sight.
We burst into a short laughter.
‘Ok, I think you have enough for the day,’ remarked Snowy as she dump the stack of finance notes into her girly pink Roxy bag.
It was only then did I begin to study her, physically, in details. Apart from her cutesy appearance, something else caught my eyes; it was her thin wrist - there were layers of red markings, among several old scars, as though she has been badly wounded around that region recently before. The protective male instinct surged forth and immediately, I was overwhelmed by intense concerns.
‘This?’
Snowy raised her right hand and examined it causally. I noticed a tint of sorrow lingered in her eyes as she glanced over it. It seemed to speak of apathy, depression and a provoking past. There was an unusual flow of silence circulating around us as though her sweet voice had difficulty in saying something. I realized this wasn’t difficulty – it was hesitation.
‘It… was the result of an attempted suicide.’
What? My world was stunned momentarily. What on Earth could have happened to constitute such behavior? Life is so precious! I can’t never imagine how one would take life for granted, given that there are so many unfortunate souls who desired to live, but didn’t had it as an option.
Snowy simply stared into blank space. I sensed a deep grievance in her.
Ah ha! I think I know what it was.
A relationship with a jerk ex-boyfriend.
At this current moment, I dared not question too much. She seemed very affected emotionally.
‘Snowy,’ I said, in a soft tone, ‘you know why woman always think a lot and affects them longer? Because when a woman falls deep in her thoughts, she would take much longer to return back to Earth, compared a man - considering that woman are Venus denizen and man are Mars aliens; Mars is so much nearer to Earth.’
It caught her unexpectedly and Snowy giggled in amusement. Although I have succeeded in bringing her back to reality, gawd, that was SO lame!
‘Come on, it’s getting late. Let’s go’
A good thing about an outing with her is that sending her home is going home! Hiak!
‘Yes… so I won’t feel guilty for you having to send me home. Cloud… you know…I definitely need someone to send me home one…’
Woah! High expectation? Noted!
‘It’s called… safety.’
Chapter 7
It was holiday period; a time where all students rejoiced at the gift of abundant freedom and liberation… except me, who was busy preparing for my finance supplementary paper next week. Everyday passed like a daily ritual, which comprised of a compulsory MSN chat with Snowy, somewhat half cyber-tutoring and half talking cork. Somehow, this has become an integrated part of my life. And if this sequence was to remove from me now, without her virtual presence, I feel weird.
‘Wah really meh…? What is missing..?’
I don’t know. Something just seemed to be missing; probably became a habit. Just like I used to have a bunch of good friends, who could really click well, but that was all in the past. We could talk about everything - girls, school, work or life, but they, well, were busy with their life now and could hardly spare the time for lengthy chat like this.
‘…oh dear… that’s sad…’
When a man got attached to a woman, their friends will eventually appear to be second-grade citizen, literally. The chilling out time would be reduced to near-nothing as all guys need to accompany their girlfriend. This fact always overruled - an inevitable part of life I guess.
‘…But when you have a girlfriend, you will definitely want to spend time with her what… won’t you?’
I will…balance the equation. Even if it tears my mind into deciding how I should go about doing it - I will find a way. I don’t know; to me, friendships are very special and shouldn’t be degraded into second class citizen just because someone new entered into your life. But that doesn’t mean I love my girlfriend any less; I sees it as an essential part of relationship adaptation.
‘Cloud… you are a good friend… but what if your people leave you in a lurch…?
That stumbled me.
I don’t know.
‘Being accommodating doesn’t always mean good you know… people will leave somehow…’
What’s with the negativity? Ok fine, nothing of that sort ever happened to me yet. I am still friends with my male buddies and when I needed them, they appeared from all corners of the world. Perhaps, being left in a lurch really sucks to the max.
There was no reply, as though the conversation came to a drastic end. I was thinking, maybe I should just begin a new topic and walked away from this serious stuff.
‘Hey… shall we go out after my examination? I promise to treat you dinner, for all the valuable help so far.’
There was a reply after about a minute, as though she is considering my date proposal on the other side. I was beginning to lose the nervous self and I didn’t even flinch when I type the words out. Darn! I am getting better at this.
‘Ok… =)’
‘I will let you know the details later…’
WOOHOO! My heart rejoiced in ecstatic happiness.
Chapter 8
I was scribbling frantically, yet with glaring confidence.
I knew this paper was a complete walkover. These were the rare times when you know deep inside your heart that you could do all the questions with decent answers and mind you, I do not have the academic brains, so such phenomenon does not really happen to me very often.
I tucked my favorite pen into my shirt pocket cautiously, as if it would damage my shirt material. Then, I raised my right hand and alerted one lady invigilator to hand in my examination paper. I had all the time in the world, but anxious was constantly shrouding me – today is my official date with Snowy. I felt this immerse urge to leave as soon as possible, in preparation for my first date. I can’t wait for everyone to finish as the entire bunch of people would pack the bus to its brim and I may be ‘squeezed’ out, waiting endlessly for my bus.
I was the first to finish and left the room feeling completely awesome. Made a quick sneak into the gents and styled my hair meticulously. Adjusted the collar, flatted the shirt and lowered my Levis jeans a little to give that ‘baggy’ feel. Every impression counts and I have to make sure it does or there may not be a second date.
Without wasting too much time, I hurried my feet to the bus stop.
We agreed to meet at Takashimaya as she needed to get some books from Kinokuniya. As it is probably the heart of Orchard, we could also decide where we want to have our dinner.
The bus-changed-MRT ride down to Takashimaya was pretty uneventful and before I knew it, I was there… waiting placidly at third level, eagle-eyeing onto level one – the location we agreed to meet. I have my reason for positioning myself at higher grounds; so that I could admire her beauty from afar momentarily before meeting her directly. And… that was definitely a better view to check out the other town babes strolling beneath me as well. Hiak!
As I was having my share of eye candy, something interesting caught my eyes - it was a petite girl, whose familiar back was facing me. One tall-freak, guy, was standing directly in front of her and acted as though he was seeking for her forgiveness-kind-
Then, the girl made a complete turnabout; it was Snowy.
WHAT?
Snowy appeared to initiate a walk away, but her attempt was faltered as the man caught her left hand. Then, Snowy aggressively shook off his hand and ran. The man gave a short chase, before resigning to fate. He must have thought that somehow, it was futile even if he caught up with her. And then, more curious bystanders gathered, observing their tiff exchange.
Gawd! What was going on? I hoped she won’t tell me that the date is canceled… NoooooOOooOooo!
‘Who is this guy? What does he wants? Why did she ran away?’
I could see doubts and confusion ballooning from my befuddled mind. I hastily check my watch, it was at least forty-five minutes prior before our date. So that means I have a fighting chance to see whether my date would continue.
My mobile phone beeped.
‘Sorry, will be late. Mind if I meet you one hour later?’
Chapter 9
This has probably to be the longest hour I ever waited for someone. Nothing to do with the length of time - more like the theory of relativity. I kept thinking about the best course of action to undertake; whether to tell her frankly I saw what happened just now and to question her why… or to pretend that I am ignorant and to act like one?
I felt a small tap on my shoulder. I lifted my head to see who it was - it was Snowy. I could understand why she needed an additional hour before the meet-up; her eyes were puffy and appeared like she had just cried. She probably made used of the time to mask her act of crying. Although the redness in her eye had subsided, it was quite blatantly obvious that tears have fallen.
‘Why… you looked so drained? Something happened?’
‘Oh nothing… I am just tired. You know… it’s the woman thing…’
Oh man, this has to be the best excuse ever. I swore that if I did not have knowledge of what took place just now, I would have believed her reason completely. The best cover-up tale ever!
‘Have you bought your books then?’
‘Yeah… got it… shall we eat something? Cloud… you decide… I am fine with anything.’
We arrived at Wheelock Place, Big O, in no time. Throughout the journey there, I felt that Snowy was trying very hard to be normal and cheerful… so much trying that it appeared unnatural. Maybe, I am just hyper-sensitive, but there are times when you communicate to someone and you could see their mind and soul isn’t here physically.
A good thing was, our causal conversation didn’t cease – it just kept pouring in and just kept getting more interesting with every passing minute. Our meals came and as we dined our food, I could see her spirit gradually returning back to Earth. Snowy seemed more lifted up emotionally… the real Snowy I know since day one. We were like frozen in time… chilling out in our own world.
‘Cloud… I am so glad that you are so confident about your supplementary paper. I know that you would pass…’
Love is miraculous. It instilled an innate strength and belief to weak humans, so that we could hold a fighting spirt to combat what life’s nemesis has in store for us. Challenges never stop and kept swarming in as we struggled to keep these adversaries at bay. A simple remark from her is like Love brandishing me with the weapons, enabling me to succeed in my attempt to strive forward.
I never discover how much untapped potential I have; Snowy unlocked the chamber to myself. I was a procrastinator, a lazy bum, a happy-go-lucky fellow, but all will change, when you realize some people care about your well-being and future and you never want disappoint these people.
The duration of the meal was short; Snowy mentioned that she needed to go back early today. I respected her decision, call for the bills and paid everything.
‘Here’s my share…’
‘Come on, guys should pay for their first date… it’s ok. Treat me another day…’
It was heartening to know about her intention to go Dutch, but the masculine ego in me refused to relent. After all, she had an extremely bad day today and the least I could do is to treat her to some good food.
When we reached the bus stop, the bus came almost instantaneously. We hopped on and picked the end seats.
Then, Snowy reached into her bag, took out her I-pod and stuff one ear-piece into my right ear. Twitching her I-pod a little, she stopped at a song titled ‘Tong Hua.’ I was expecting this song to be sung by Guang Liang, but it was a same name, different thing.
‘I found this song by chance… send to me by a friend… and this is an original composition… nice hor…’
I nodded my head in response.
The journey was magically quiet, reveling in the essence of a soothing song. Both of us were just enjoying the music and comfortable silence that saturate around us. From where we were, there were three groups of people. One couple, as though reverting back to their early childhood, playing like untainted children… tickling one another; One lance corporal NSF, silently messaging with his phone, probably to his girlfriend; one middle-age woman, staring outside the window, probably thinking about her kids at home. The beautiful song running in the background… the bus scene… and my Love beside me… this was the most amazing thing.
Love is all around… kept in our hearts and blossomed from within.
We reached home soon enough - back into the memorable lift where we always met but yet to know one another.
‘Cloud… I won’t be on MSN so often from today onwards… I would be very busy doing some holiday projects.’
I felt a hairline crack in my ‘beautiful moments’. It was too sudden I guess.
Snowy reached over and hugged me, then, she whispered into my ears.
‘Thanks for everything today and before. Really enjoyed your company so far.’
The hateful lift door opened; Snowy disappeared as she walked out and brought me back to reality… abruptly ending my ‘beautiful moments’.
The best part? I didn’t even say a thing.
Chapter 10
It was one month ago since I last saw her on MSN.
She seemed very busy… too busy in fact, to be online. Or maybe she is avoiding me because my mum probably told her mum something bad about me and Snowy got to know about them. Damn!
Ok, I promised to brush my teeth before consuming breakfast from today onwards… I promised I would not pee over the toilet seats… I promised to wash my hands after every toilet session… I promised not to eat on my bed…
Self delusion.
I should have guessed it; I am not the kind of guy for her. With looks like hers, how would she fall for someone as ordinary like me? Snowy probably have suitors, the length of the Macdonald’s Hello Kitty crazed-queue and I still wouldn’t be surprised. For a guy who doesn’t have much luck in love, doesn’t have the boy band look, doesn’t have much eloquence to sweet talk… isn’t rich… fare badly for his studies – WHAT kind of boyfriend could I sell myself to her?
Nothing.
I resisted the negative thoughts internally. Not that I could possibly help it, but in the midst of uncertainty and mixed messages, there was absolutely nothing I could hold on to believe and to make me think otherwise.
It was terrible. My most feared nightmare of having to remove my daily MSN routine away with her.
I dropped a few forwarded SMSes previously, but there wasn’t any reply from her. I concluded that it was because she must have thought that there wasn’t a need to reply forwarded SMSes personally… just like our forwarded emails.
I need to call her.
Hesitation and negativity is preventing me from doing it.
Why?
Why am I plucking the roses, when I know the thorns are there? Why must I deliberately scorch myself, when I know the fire is dangerous? Why must I love… when I know that hurt is inevitable?
But I refused to succumb to circumstances; I supposed I shouldn’t believe in behavior without explanation. There are no smoke without fire - something must be wrong somewhere. I may have overlooked certain issue, without realizing it or there could be something affecting her emotionally.
I must get to the bottom of everything.
I dialed her mobile.
I reached her voicemail.
Sigh… Maybe, I am right after all. She must have been avoiding me because she didn’t want to lead me into thinking that I may have a chance with her, when in fact, there isn’t one to begin with.
I can feel my vision getting watery.
Then my mobile vibrated and I almost got a shock.
‘Meet me at the park at 8 p.m.’
Chapter 11
I was early.
In fact, every upcoming meeting with Snowy, I will be early. She probably never realized this, but when you fell so deep in love with someone, your burning desire to see this special one just flow naturally. So natural to love is like to breathing – nothing can obstruct the heart from overwhelming emotions… absolutely nothing.
I was concerned.
So overly concerned that I want to see the same smile appearing once again - like sunshine after the rain. Love transcended all possession; being with her now rank second priority, but to ensure her well being became so important, nothing else matters as long as I know she is alright.
I could see a shadowy figure emerged from the gloomy night; it was Snowy. She was early as well, just that I was slightly earlier. Then, I begin to conclude that troubled souls will never be late for appointment, probably because of the desire for some quiet space, time and serenity. Being early gives you the edge to think over your words, conversation, thoughts and feelings.
The sky rumbled in protest and gradually cast a red netting of clouds over heaven.
Snowy cried again; I could see it in her eyes. Tears gathered and swelled up. This time, she took no precaution to mask her depression. I felt a wounded soul with abundance of grievance, upsetting her life. Something is definitely wrong.
I stood where I was standing and she, frozen in her steps. We were physically about ten feet apart, but emotionally, millions of miles in distance.
I initiated a first step forward.
‘Stop where you are…’
I paused, still maintaining my eye contact.
I saw her crumbling emotions crying out for assistance. The pain within her heart still lay red with sore. Someone had to nurse her wounds and I prayed that I would be the candidate. I can feel Snowy’s desire to reach out to me, but SOMETHING, so powerful… so sinister… held her back, like an unbreakable mithril chain.
‘Cloud… you love me?’
There are times when words were not spoken, because the meaning becomes more powerful in silence. I always thought of what I can do for Snowy, not so much about how much I could gain from a relationship with her. If this is stupidity, Love has created me the most insane person ever.
‘Cloud… you… are too good…’
Good? Take advantage of me then. If taking advantage could make her share this burden of hers with me, I seriously don’t mind the exchange - To take away hurt and replace with hope and love.
Snowy broke down completely. Apparently, my words seemed to soften her hardened interior.
I felt droplets of rain falling on my shoulders, hands and head. Flashes of lightning lit the flaming sky.
‘I will not leave within if the rain comes. I will stand strong here; nobody has the power to remove me away,’ I replied, stuffing my hands into my pants pockets as I closed my eyes, waiting for the menacing rain to begin its operation.
Chapter 12
I felt a warm embrace.
I opened my eyes and saw Snowy hugging me. Her tears kept running furiously, like the rain which began to pour heavily. Her head was on my wet shoulder, filled with both tears and rain drops. I could see comfort in her, by releasing her suppressing emotions. Snowy tightened her embrace and this time, my arms were over her. If time could grant us permission, I would never let her go.
‘You are too good to me… but… I am not worthy…’
I am blinded by love, so blinded that I could only see the potentially good qualities in Snowy. No one is perfect, just like no one is without its merits and I chose to focus on what’s good in her.
‘You don’t understand… because you don’t… you don’t understand me…’
I want to understand Snowy, but am I given the chance to? Her words revolved around confusion and doubts. So much, in fact, I am so sure that she doesn’t even understand herself. I want the chance to get to know the REAL her and make her get back to her REAL self.
‘My ex-boyfriend came to look for me the other day… and wished that I get back with him.’
This statement questioned me terribly, but I understood the meaning of happiness - even if I am out of the picture, my stand will never change. I will let her go if that brings her to greater happiness.
‘I want to accept myself… to accept you… but I am not worthy of your love because I was a RAPE victim… DO YOU UNDERSTAND?’
I couldn’t reply. Shocked beyond words… all was too sudden. Silence was prevalent.
‘Our relationship ended because of this. He never ditched me… I did because I knew always desire a virgin girlfriend since day one and from his later behavior; it’s obviously that it was an issue to him. I could see in his mind… that this psychological stigma is impossible to overcome, as much as he claims he would accept me for who I am. I HAD TO END IT… and now, when I find myself falling in love with you… he appeared, telling me that he wants to treasure me for who I am. Virginity is no longer an issue to him… but what about you? Is it fair? FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD ACCEPTED ME FOR WHO I AM… AGAINST ONE WHO DOESN’T… please… enlighten me… what should I do?’
No voice came forth. I felt her sorrow assimilating into my soul. There was a tingle of sadness and I felt salty tears in my eyes.
‘Love… is only one subject by itself. I cannot see myself with you… you are too good… and every time when you demonstrated your goodness, it reminded me of my ugliness. I cannot see myself worthy of you because it’s me. You cannot understand my mindset because you are not me. HOW MUCH EMPATHY you employ is useless because you are not me. I DON’T WANT YOU TO REGRET AND I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU… you understand?’
‘You thought’s what good for me,’ I whispered softly, ‘have you ever thought that it doesn’t matter to me?’
‘I can tell this to million of guys out there who loves me… and they will say the same thing like what you had said. BUT IS IT THE TRUTH? NOT AFFECTING YOU PERSONALLY?... the truth hurts like hell… and I never want to know the truth. I just want to tell you… I am moving house. I decide to tell you the truth because we probably will never meet again… in the same lift… we so often see each other when we were younger till now.’
‘Have you ever thought that it is you who wants to go away, not me?’
‘No…’ Snowy replied, paused for a moment as she released herself from the embrace and walked away, ‘just that in the first place… I wasn’t meant to be here.’
Final Chapter
It was about a year since I last saw Snowy.
She moved out of her house…disappear from my district… changed her mobile number and vanished from my life.
I did ask my mum, previously, if she knew Aunty Wong’s new address, but she said she doesn’t even know that they had moved house. Oh man… so much for market kakis.
Fate is incredible; I graduated from my course and started working part time in a music school. My job enabled me to know a lot of people and guess what? I happened to know the guy who composed the song, Tong Hua - the song we shared listening on her I-pod. And guess what? He is my junior back in secondary school days.
Fate… is indiscernible and completely unexplainable.
I learned that Love is so much about acceptance. Probably, she may end up with her ex-boyfriend, which I learned later, is her first love and had the relationship going for five years before a temporary breakup.
I was the interval… the transits… the commercial break - someone who doesn’t belong to the actual show; just something to fill up and occupy the show’s time slot.
But I was glad to be that role; at least I got to appear in the stage for a moment, before my role is no longer needed. It wasn’t dump as a role; rather, my scene is over.
For that transit that is so beautiful… a commercial that I never would change channel, it belong to a dream and probably best to stay like a dream.
